


Howling At The Dog Star

by senatorofsorcery (orphan_account)



Series: For In Dreams [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Feels, Fluff, French/Vietnamese Sirius, Gay Character(s), Hogwarts Era, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders' Era, Non-Linear Narrative, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POC Character(s), POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Period-Typical Homophobia, Short, Smut, look up willy cartier that's what sirius looks like trust me you will thank me, lots of them - Freeform, pseudo smut, so much feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 60,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8881795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/senatorofsorcery
Summary: The story of how Remus and Sirius fell in love with each other. These are the events so described in For In Dreams by the same author told from the perspectives of either Remus or Sirius. This is meant to be a companion to For In Dreams, but can be read before or after or separately. Due to non-linear narrative, this fic doesn't have a clear end or beginning and will probs remain 'incomplete' until For In Dreams is marked complete.





	1. one

_November 8th, 1991, 4:46p.m., an island in the North Sea  
Remus Lupin_

The air was heavy with the depressive aura of the Dementors and the cold that infiltrated every living thing. Remus hugged his cloak about him tighter, his heart heavier as he followed an Auror down the dark and dank corridor.

“Don’t know why the hell you’d want to visit this piece of shit,” the Auror said over his shoulder to Remus. “Y’know he’s the one who got the Potters killed, right? Killed thirteen people the next night, too.”

“I know,” Remus mumbled. The Auror shrugged and stopped. 

“That’s his cell, down there,” said the Auror. “We keep all the Death Eaters down here, but he gets his very own cell block, on account he’s a mass murder and You-Know-Who’s second in command.” Remus felt a pang in his gut. “You got chocolate? There’s about a ‘undred of them Dementors down there, you’re gonna want plenty of chocolate.”

“I have some,” Remus said. 

“Remember, you’re not allowed to use Patroni down in High Security. So don’t stay long.”

“Are you leaving?” 

“Yeah. I can’t stand it down there.”

Remus nodded. The Auror turned and started back up the hall, moving quickly around a corner and out of sight. Remus reached into his pocket and withdrew a chocolate frog. He had several, so he opened this one as he began down the long corridor to Sirius Black’s cell. The Dementors here all watched him as he walked. He bit into the chocolate, trying to ignore the effect they had on him already. As his gait slowed and the distance decreased, he was already regretting coming. He reached the end, facing a door with iron bars.

“… no, no, that’s not it,” mumbled a raspy voice. “No, that one goes there…”

Remus swallowed his anxiety and stepped closer. He peered into the cell, looking for him.

“That’s not how you play Exploding Snap, James, come off it…”

Remus clenched his jaw. Sirius was laying on the floor, his knees held to his chest and his matted hair covering his face. He looked filthy, and ill. His skin was yellow and clung to his bones, and even from a distance Remus could see the gooseflesh that covered his bare skin as he shivered in the cold. 

“THEY’RE DEAD, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

The sudden scream made him jump backwards. Sirius was holding his arms out, shaking something Remus couldn’t see but his ex-lover apparently could.

“NO! YOU FILTHY RAT!” 

Remus exhaled shakily. So he was reliving the moment when he murdered one of his best friends. And Remus got to watch.

“I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“Sirius,” Remus said, his voice quiet.

Sirius immediately dropped his arms. He froze, his eyes squeezed shut tightly still. “No, no, no,” he muttered, shrinking backwards and pressing himself to the wall. “No no nonono… I didn’t… No…”

“Can you understand me?” Remus called.

Sirius’s shoulders began to shake, and Remus realized that he was sobbing. “No! I didn’t! I didn’t mean to!”

“You didn’t what, Sirius?”

“NO!” Sirius screamed. “You’re not real! Leave me alone!”

Remus couldn’t say anything to that. Sirius turned his back to the cell door, hugging the wall as his body trembled with sobs, muttering to himself: “You’re not real, he’s not here, you’re not real, he wouldn’t come here, you’re never real…”

“Sirius….”

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius whispered. Remus’s eyes widened.

“You’re sorry?” he said.

“I didn’t mean to… He… he said it would be okay…”

Anger rose in him. “Who did, Sirius? Voldemort? Did he tell you that he just wanted a chat with James and Lily? That he’d let them live? Or that you wouldn’t be held responsible? What are you sorry for? Murdering Peter, getting James and Lily killed, or being captured and locked up here?”

“No… no! NO!”

“No what, Sirius?” Remus spat. “Do you not like the truth?”

“No…” whimpered Sirius, like a scared puppy.

Remus’s anger quelled, being overwhelmed with regret and pain. “What are you sorry for?” he asked. He didn’t expect Sirius to answer him. He began to move away, when he spoke again.

“I’m sorry for hurting him. I’m sorry I got them killed.”

Remus stopped. “You admit it?”

“It was my fault… It was my idea… Peter…”

He turned back, his heart pounding hard against his ribcage now. “You murdered them, Sirius. They’re dead, because of you.”

“It was my fault…”

“You’re mad, Sirius.”

“No. No, I’m not mad, no, no. No, I’m innocent.”

“You just said that you killed them!” Remus shouted.

“I’m innocent! The filthy bastard, he lied!”

“You’re insane!” Remus spat. “You’re insane, a traitor, and a liar.”

“I’m so sorry, Remus…”

Remus’s mouth snapped shut. “What?”

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want you to… I thought… I thought it would be okay.”

“You have no idea what you’re saying, do you?” Remus mumbled.

“I’m so sorry…”

“You’re not even awake,” Remus said, drawing in a short huff of a breath. “You’re talking in your sleep, and you’re mad.”

“No, no, I’m not mad. I’m innocent. I didn’t get him. I’ll get him one day, soon.”

“Why did I come here?” Remus whispered. “All I’ve done is break my own heart over again.”

“I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt him.”

“Liar,” Remus hissed.

Sirius’s sobs redoubled for a moment, he mumbled something else, but Remus could not hear what it was. Then his shoulders stopped shaking, for a moment as he breathed in deeply, and he fell still. He rolled over, his face calm and blank of what he’d just said.

“Sirius?” Remus called.

He said nothing. 

Remus turned away again, but he hesitated. He reached into his pockets, feeling the packets of chocolate frogs. He squeezed his eyes shut, sighed deeply, and against his better judgement drew one out. He turned back and tossed it through the bars of the cell. It bounced on the stone floor and flew upward in an arc to hit Sirius’s arm. As Remus turned away, Sirius finally opened his eyes. He saw the chocolate frog pack on the floor, then looked up to see Remus already walking away.

“REMUS!”

Remus turned the corner, blinking away tears.


	2. two

 

_September 1st, 1993, 11:18a.m., a compartment aboard the Hogwarts Express  
Sirius Black_

Sirius had visited Platform 9 ¾ many times throughout his life, but this was the first time he’d come disguised as a dog. Harry had him on a leash, and Sirius took great care to stay very close to his godson. At one point, Harry gave the leash to his friend Ginny and stepped away to speak with Arthur Weasley. Sirius watched them, his ears perked, trying to catch what they were saying. Unfortunately, the sounds echoing around the platform made it difficult, so all he could catch was Arthur warning Harry to be careful. Sirius narrowed his eyes, wondering what else Arthur had said. But then Harry was back, patting his head and exchanging words with Ron Weasley and a black girl Sirius didn’t know. Then Molly Weasley was going around kissing and hugging everyone, and Lily’s mother was rubbing his ears, and Ginny was pulling him onto the train.

Sirius followed them down the train, not paying attention to their conversation; there were people everywhere, and several of them stopped to pat his head as they walked. He ignored many of them, his eyes were fixed on the rodent cage Ron Weasley was carrying. If there was even just a second where they weren’t looking and he could get at the rat, he would take it. He’d eat the son of a bitch if he had to. But the damn cage was still charmed, like the boy’s room had been, so there was no way he could break it open himself. Maybe if he managed to get gravity to break it open instead, then Wormtail would be forced to flee, and he could snatch him up and down the hatch.

Ginny pulled on his leash as she turned into a compartment behind the others. Sirius smelled something on the air, a familiar scent, and stopped to sniff.

“Come on, Snuffles,” Ginny prompted, giving his leash a tug.

 _I’m coming, I’m coming,_ Sirius thought. _Can’t a dog have a quick sniff every now and_

The compartment was not empty. The four kids were standing by the door, muttering amongst themselves, but Sirius was ignoring them. A man wrapped in a traveling cloak was seated by the window. Sirius already had realized that this was the compartment that he and his best friends had always had when riding the train to school – there was still a faint whiff of his cigarettes and the combined scent of the four of them in the fabric –, but this was not what mattered to him just then. He pushed himself between Harry and Ron, then jumped up onto the bench and sniffed the man by the window.

“Snuffles, no,” Harry said. “Let him be.”

Sirius ignored Harry and gave a low whine, bumping his nose against Remus’s arm, trying to wake him up. When he didn’t, Sirius lay down and set his muzzle on his knee, breathing in the scent of his old lover. He smelled much older now than he had before, but still like he had back in school, of bargain value coconut conditioner and the ink that always stained his hands. Though now there was the faintest scent of alcohol on his cloak, and an even fainter trace of cigarettes. Sirius wondered, rather wished, that the latter scent was there because Remus had been trying to remind himself of Sirius. He bumped at his arm again, wanting him to open his eyes –

“Snuffles, get off him, come on,” Harry commanded, tugging on his leash. Harry pulled hard, forcing Sirius to get off the bench and move away from Remus. Harry let nearly lifted him onto the other bench and Sirius sat himself down, staring at Remus. Would he recognize him? Sirius guessed not. Since Azkaban, his form had changed. Back during their school days, he had taken the shape of a large and fluffy young dog, almost a puppy, with an entirely different face; now, his body had shrunk and his fur had thinned, becoming gray instead of black, even his face was narrowed by the years. But if Remus did recognize him, he would almost surely report him and get him sent back to Azkaban, but just then Sirius could care less whether it would get him sent back to the Dementors, he wanted Remus to wake up, he wanted to see his eyes.

“Who do you reckon he is?” he heard Ron Weasley ask.

“Professor R. J. Lupin,” said the girl with the curly hair. Sirius broke his gaze to look at her, confused.

“How do you know that?” Ron said, ogling her. Sirius wanted to know that too.

“It's on his case,” she said, pointing up at the luggage rack to a small battered suitcase. Sirius followed her finger, and almost let out a yelp. It was old, but it wasn’t the one that Remus had first brought to Hogwarts. It was the case that Sirius had bought him when they left Hogwarts. Sirius flicked his gaze back to him, and whined quietly. Why wouldn’t he wake up?

The four kids were talking, and Sirius listened enough to catch the second girl’s name, Hermione, but not enough to garner the topic of their conversation. He tried to jump off the bench to nudge Remus again, but Harry kept him from getting down.

“Stay, Snuffles,” Harry told him. “Don’t bother Professor Lupin.”

Sirius barked, a little irritated. What if it didn’t bother Remus if Sirius woke him up? What if he recognized him and wasn’t bothered at all? What if he missed him still? What if he was still mad at him?

Sirius laid down on the bench, setting his head on Harry’s knee, but still he watched Remus. He was thinking of Azkaban, of the years he spent missing Remus, the days he’d thought he’d heard his voice, and the one time, _the one time_ , that he still didn’t know if it was really him or his mind playing tricks on him.

“I’ve got to tell you something,” Harry said. “Don’t… freak out or anything, okay?”

“What?” asked Ron.

“Why would we freak out?”

 _“Are you and Ginny secretly snogging constantly and that’s why you keep staring at each other so weirdly?”_ Sirius barked, highly agitated.

“Hush, Snuffles,” Ginny said. “Go on, Harry.”

“Well, you know – you know how the papers are all having a fit about Sirius Black escaping?” Harry said.

“It’s something worth throwing a fit over, I’d say,” Ron said. “When a madman escapes a High-Security cell of our toughest prison.”

Sirius growled softly. Ginny started to rub at his ears, but Harry kept talking. “Well, Mr. Weasley… he reckons that Black escaped because – because he’s after me.”

 _“I’m not after you, I’m after Wormtail!”_ Sirius barked.

“Quiet, Snuffles, you’ll wake up Lupin,” Harry said.

Ginny caught Harry’s eye, and they stared at each other in silence for a moment; this had happened before of course, but it never failed to unnerve Sirius. He couldn’t understand why they just randomly looked at each other like that.

“Quit it!” Ron said, his voice exasperated. “Honestly, all this telepathy is driving me insane!”

Sirius looked over at him, his ears perked and his non-existent eyebrows lifting. _Telepathy?_ Sirius thought.

“You're just jealous,” Ginny told him. “If you had it, you'd never stop.”

“That's beside the point,” Ron said with irritation, though his ears were going red.

“That may be true, but Harry and I will continue our telepathy, whether you like it or not!” Ginny snapped at her brother.

 _“Excuse me, telepathy? What?”_ Sirius grunted.

“So Sirius Black really escaped Azkaban to – to try and kill you?” she asked timidly.

Sirius barked again, very upset at this point, and just then Remus stirred. Sirius snapped his gaze to him, wondering if he would wake up, but then Harry reached around Ginny and bopped him gently on the nose, startling him. “Quiet,” Harry said. “What's got into you?”

Sirius whimpered quietly, then lay his head on Ginny’s knee. _I’m not after my godson,_ he thought. Harry ruffled at his fur, comforting him a little.

“Yeah,” Harry said to Hermione, “at least that's what Mr. and Mrs. Weasley reckon.”

“You've got to be really careful, then, Harry,” she said, eyes wide with worry. “Don't go looking for trouble!”

“I don't go looking for trouble,” said Harry, annoyed, “trouble usually finds me!”

“How thick would he have to be to go looking for a nutter who wants to kill him?” Ron asked, scowling still.

Harry and Ginny glanced at each other, silent once more. Sirius looked between them, still extremely confused, however, he was now also thinking of what Ron had said earlier. Was it possible they could communicate mentally? No, no, that was madness. They must have been joking about something else.

“What are you thinking about now?” Hermione asked, looking as annoyed as Ron, but also a bit amused.

“Forget it,” Ginny said. Sirius heard the agitation in her voice and licked at her hand. She had been trying to calm him the past five minutes, so he figured he ought to return the favor. Ginny pulled her legs up beside her and leaned on him, slowly stroking his fur with a hand.

“He was my dog first, you know,” Harry said.

They fell into playful banter again, the conversation steering away from the initial dark topic, and even though a few Slytherins appeared later, one of them the spitting image of his cousin Narcissa, they stayed calm and happy.

The train lurched to a stop, and Sirius almost fell off the bench; he yelped and dug his claws into the fabric of the seat.

“Finally!” said Ron, making to stand up. “I'm starving!”

“We can't be there yet,” Hermione said, frowning.

“So why are we stopping?”

His question went unanswered. The lights flickered, then went out. The door opened, and another boy stumbled in; the four kids seemed to recognize him, calling him Neville. The boy tried to find a seat, causing the cat to screech – _When did the cat get let out?_ Sirius thought – then sat on him, and he barked loudly.

“Sorry,” said the boy, dropping to the floor. Ginny rose, stepping around the boy to the window where she rubbed away the condensation that had appeared from nowhere.

“I think someone's coming aboard,” she said softly.

“Who?” three anxious voices asked.

“Dunno,” she said. Suddenly the train lurched again, and Ginny stumbled backward. She fell onto the bench, landing onto Harry’s lap.

“Hey, I'm here!” he said, his voice a pitch higher than normal. Sirius couldn’t tell if it was out of embarrassment or if Ginny had landed on the wrong spot and he was in pain. Before anything else could be said, the door to the compartment opened again.

Sirius felt it before he could see it. The cold hit him like a hammer, his breath becoming almost as ragged and shallow as the Dementor in the doorway. He turned, growling and barking at the monster, but quickly shrank back as it turned its hooded face towards him. He fell back against the bench, his breath catching in his throat.

_“JAMES AND LILY, SIRIUS, WHY?!”_

_“IT WAS YOU, YOU LYING BASTARD, YOU DID THIS TO THEM!”_

_“I don’t know what you mean!”_

_“THEY’RE DEAD, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!”_

_“No one knows that it was me!”_

_“NO! YOU FILTHY RAT!”_

_“What are you sorry for? Murdering Peter, getting James and Lily killed, or being captured and locked up here?”_

_“REMUS!”_

_“I’m not coming back, Sirius…”_

There was a flash of light, then slowly, the cold fled his shaking body. Sirius blinked and sniffed the air, then looked around for Harry. He and Ginny were lying limply on the bench. He gave a whine and bumped Ginny's cheek with his nose. She wrinkled her nose, then blearily opened her eyes and sat up a little.

"You all right?” Ron questioned. Ginny ignored him, and prodded Harry in the shoulder.

Harry lifted his head, blinking slowly. He was missing his glasses, and Sirius looked around for them, settling back when he saw them in Hermione’s hand.

“Harry,” Ginny whispered, before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Calm down. It's all right; it's gone.”

Harry looked around, then, realizing he was hugging Ginny so tightly, let go and sat up. He let out a soft moan and touched his head. Hermione handed him his glasses, and Ginny rubbed his shoulder while he put them on.

“What was that – that thing?” Harry asked.

“A Dementor,” Remus said. “A guardian of Azkaban. It must have been searching the train for Black.”

Sirius let out a growl of frustration.

“But why? Black couldn’t get on the train, could he?” asked Ron.

“I don’t know,” Remus answered him. “I’m going to go and ask the driver. Here, everyone eat some chocolate, it helps get rid of the effect of Dementors.”

Sirius whimpered quietly, wishing he could eat some of the chocolate Remus was now handing out, however no one would give a dog chocolate. Harry put his arm around him, rubbing his flank with the hand not holding the chocolate. Remus started towards the door, then stopped, and turned back to look at him. Sirius looked up at him, and finally met his gaze.

Remus’s eyes were so much emptier than they should have been.

Remus gave himself a shake and left the compartment. Sirius watched him, feeling even sadder now that he knew that Remus did not recognize him anymore

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hermione asked Harry and Ginny.

Ginny shrugged, but Harry said: “I don’t get it… what happened?”

“Well,” Hermione said, glancing at the door, “that – that thing, the Dementor, stood there and it – it looked over at you, at least, I think it did, we couldn’t see its face, and you – you both…”

“I thought you were having a fit or something,” Ron said. “You kind of went stiff and locked your arms around Ginny, and Gin, you whimpered and sort of huddled next to him. Then the both of you went limp, and you hit the wall.”

“And Professor Lupin, he got up and put himself between the Dementor and you,” Hermione said, “he pulled out his wand, and he said ‘None of us are hiding Sirius Black under our seats, go!’ Then he cast that spell, this big silver dog, it looked almost like a bear, and the Dementor left very quickly, the dog chasing it.”

Sirius lifted his head, looking over his shoulder towards the door. So his Animagus form was still Remus’s Patronus… He thought that it would have changed by now…

“It was horrible!” said the third boy, Neville. “Did you feel how cold it got when it came in?”

“I felt weird,” Ron admitted, “like I’d never ever be cheerful again.”

Ginny reached out a hand and gripped her brother’s hand. Ron gave it a squeeze, before letting go.

“But, none of you… no one else passed out?” Harry asked.

“No,” said Ron, who was still very white. “Snuffles was shaking like mad though.”


	3. three

_July 2nd, 1994, 7:52a.m., their flat in Ottery St. Catchpole  
Remus Lupin_

There was a heavy, uncomfortable silence hanging over the table. The only sounds were the clink of utensils against their plates, the clunk of a glass being set down, and the faint music coming from a radio across the room.

Remus glanced up at Sirius, then at Tonks, then looked back at his plate. He almost regretted offering to join Sirius in Ottery St. Catchpole, given how horribly familiar it felt and the pervasive awkwardness that wrecked the sense of comfort that came with it. Especially since Tonks was there as well, though she was required to be. The Ministry had agreed to let Sirius remain out of Azkaban only if he met their conditions; that he remain within the village of Ottery St. Catchpole, where he had recently acquired a flat – or rather, Remus had –, and stay within the custody of an Auror. Sirius had managed to get a hold of Tonks, who was his cousin, before they could assign someone dower and grim. But even that made the situation worse, because his young cousin was quite pretty, and it seemed to Remus that she was interested in him. 

Tonks suddenly shoved her chair back from the table. He and Sirius looked up sharply, startled by her. “I can’t stand this silence,” she said, glaring at the two of them. “Whatever you two are quarreling about, you’d better have resolved it by the time I get back from the Ministry, because this is getting ridiculous. If you haven’t worked out whatever boyish fight you’re having, then I’m going to lock you in this flat until you do. Do you two understand me?”

With that, she stormed from the kitchen. Remus glanced at Sirius, who looked back at him, his brow furrowed.

“She’s your cousin,” Remus said. “You deal with her.”

“She’s my second cousin,” Sirius reminded him as he got up, lifting his and Tonks’s plates as he did. “Besides, you’re better with women.”

“No I am not, and you know it, Sirius Black,” Remus argued. 

“The emotional side of women, Remus, I never bothered with that.”

“Never mind, Sirius,” Remus sighed, standing up from the table and moving his plate into the sink. “It’s your turn to do dishes.”

Sirius said nothing. Remus left the kitchen, pressing a hand to his forehead and sighing again as he did.

Tonks was still in the lounge, digging through the pockets of her robes for something. She looked up at him, then smiled apologetically. “Hey, I snapped a bit earlier, I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s fine,” Remus muttered. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No, no it does,” she sighed. “Yelling at the two of you to stop acting so strange won’t do you any good.”

Remus didn’t reply to her, he started towards the stairs to go towards his room.

“Listen, Remus?”

He stopped, turning to face her again.

Tonks was wringing her hands; she glanced back at the kitchen, then moved towards the stairs. “I don’t mean to sound rude or inconsiderate, but I don’t understand why exactly you’re staying here, I mean, I know it’s your flat technically, but you don’t have to stay here with us, because you seem to be making yourself miserable. The Ministry only asked for him to remain with an Auror, staying with a friend was just a suggestion. You really do seem to be making yourself miserable.”

Remus glanced down at his feet. “I’m not making myself miserable, I’m just... I’m not very cheery by nature. Don’t worry about it, Tonks.”

She pressed her lips together, considering him. Then she gave a little sigh and moved back towards the fireplace. Remus started back up the stairs, his gaze trailing on the ground. He heard the fire blaze and presumed Tonks vanished, then the kitchen door open.

“Remus?”

He stopped once again. Then he turned and looked over to where Sirius was standing. 

“What?” he asked.

“We should try to resolve… this, whatever it is,” Sirius said, quietly, unable to meet Remus’s eye.

Remus simply stared at him for a moment. “Really? That’s all it takes?”

Sirius finally looked up, his face confused and a little hurt. “That’s all what takes?”

“All it takes for you to admit that we have a problem is your cousin shouting at us to stop being so awkward?” Remus asked calmly.

Sirius’s face flushed, and the hurt morphed into anger. “I knew that we had problems years ago!” he snapped. “You’re the one who won’t look at me in the eye!”

Remus shook his head, turning away from Sirius and starting back up the stairs. “What’s the point?” he said.

“Remus!” 

He ignored Sirius, moving through the hallway into his room.

“Remus! REMUS!”

He stopped now that he was shouting. Remus had a sudden recollection of another day, of walking away from Sirius while he screamed his name. But now he wasn’t shouting in madness or desperation, but anger. Well, perhaps a little bit of desperation.

“What more do you want from me?” Sirius shouted. Remus shut his door. “I begged you, Remus, I got on my knees and begged, and you just turned away, like you always do!”

“When was that, Sirius?” Remus snapped.

“The day you left!”

Remus stopped. He sank onto the floor, feeling even worse than before. “I didn’t realize that was what your problem was.”

Sirius slammed his fist against the wall and Remus jumped at the sudden bang. “My problem? Remus, we were both –”

“You were the one accusing me of turning traitor!” Remus spat, his voice suddenly vicious.

“What – I didn’t – I never said you were the traitor!”

“You didn’t ever say that I wasn’t!”

“Was that it?! You were angry because I didn’t stand up and insist to the whole Order that there was no way you were a traitor? I would have done it if you asked! I would have done anything –”

“I thought you wanted to talk about your problems now,” Remus cut him off. 

He heard Sirius take a step back, then strode forward again and grab the door handle. Remus quickly flicked his wand, locking it. The handle jiggled, then Sirius swore quietly.

“Remus, my whole problem is about then.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Sirius.”

“How about how you feel? Or why you can’t look me in the eye?”

Remus didn’t reply. He leaned his head back against the wall and shut his eyes, trying to remain composed. “I can’t do this, Sirius.”

“That’s too bad, because I can’t not.”

“I – I don’t – I didn’t –” Remus swore himself, quieter than Sirius had, and hung his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

There was a pause. Then, footsteps, backing up from the door, retreating to the stairs; the top step creaked. “Fine. I get the hint. It’s in the past. I’ll let you be.” The pure hurt in his voice made Remus’s gut clench.

“I left because I wanted to protect you,” Remus said without thinking.

The footsteps stopped. The stair creaked again.

“What?”

Remus winced at himself, already regretting opening the old wound. “I left… I left because I wanted to protect you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought that – that You-Know-Who was going to win, that we had no hope. I thought that if he won, you would be more likely to be spared if you weren’t with me.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You’re a Pureblood, Sirius,” Remus snapped, “you’re a member of the Black family, and even though you were a Gryffindor, you’d have a chance of living because of that. But if I were with you, the Death Eaters wouldn’t have thought twice before killing both of us.”

Sirius said nothing. Remus cursed at himself silently.

“I would have rather died thinking that you cared than lived knowing you didn’t.”

Remus looked up at the door sharply. He opened his mouth, but the second step creaked, and the footsteps resumed, going down to the first floor. Remus shut his mouth, then opened it again to breathe in a shaky inhale. Then he covered his face with his hands and cursed again.


	4. four

_July 9th, 1994, 11:43p.m., their flat after returning from London  
Remus Lupin_

Sirius shut the door behind the three of them, then turned to face Tonks and Remus.

“I’m free,” Sirius said, a grin growing on his face.

“Hurray!” Tonks shouted, jumping up and grabbing Sirius in a hug.

“I’m free!” Sirius cried. “I’m free, I’m free!”

Tonks grabbed Remus and tugged him into the impromptu group hug. Sirius threw his arm around Remus; he pressed a kiss to Tonks' cheek then one to Remus’s. Remus froze, but Sirius and Tonks didn’t notice. They danced away, caroling Sirius’s freedom.

“I don’t have to live with you anymore!” Tonks said in delight.

“I don’t have to see you wearing that disgusting face mask ever again!” Sirius cried.

“I’ll never again accidentally walk in on you whizzing!”

“I’ll never mistake your hair potion for aftershave!”

“I won’t have to deal with you and Remus being so awkward!” 

“We’re not awkward!” Remus protested.

“Oh, you’re awkward,” Tonks said, stopping their dance to smirk at him. “You’re more awkward than a smitten teenage boy, sweetheart.”

Remus flushed. Sirius rolled his eyes, stepping away from them. “Who’s up for some celebratory firewhiskey? Or wine, we have some.”

“Firewhiskey!” Tonks squealed. “Let’s get drunk and skip work tomorrow!”

“Tomorrow’s a Saturday,” Sirius pointed out.

“Oh, even better!”

Sirius filled three glasses with two fingers each, then handed them out. They clinked glasses, then Sirius and Tonks threw theirs back while Remus took a more dainty sip.

“Another!” Sirius cried.

“Let’s not actually get drunk,” Remus pointed out.

“Let’s!” Sirius said with glee. “I’m free, you see.”

“You pour,” Tonks said. “And when I start changing my nose just to laugh at how ridiculous I look, stop me. Actually, Remus, you stop me, Sirius would let me keep going.”

“Let’s let her keep drinking until she passes out, eh?” Sirius said, elbowing Remus with a wink.

“Let’s not,” Remus said.

“You two seem to be feeling better,” Tonks commented as Sirius poured more whiskey. “Did you resolve whatever you were fighting about?”

Sirius didn’t look up as he answered. “Yeah, of course, it was nothing.”

Remus’s spirit faded a little. He knew Sirius just didn’t want her to realize anything, but the lie still hurt. It wasn’t nothing. He took his refilled glass, and this time threw it back with them. All the celebrating that his ex-lover and his cousin were doing made Remus think suddenly of another July 9th, fourteen years ago, when Sirius had celebrated much in the same way, but for a very different reason. Remus took another almost hasty gulp of firewhiskey, trying not to think of it.

“So, Sirius, how does it feel to be a free man?” Tonks asked.

“It feels brilliant,” Sirius sighed. “I mean, I knew I wouldn’t have to go back, to, well, you know, but still… the official assurance that I’m free, that I’m innocent…”

“Dumbledore wouldn’t let them send you back to Azkaban,” Tonks said, using the name carelessly, and she missed Sirius’s body tense. Remus saw it though. Sirius’s knuckles suddenly went white on his glass and his jaw tightened as his gaze dropped. Tonks plowed on. “He’d storm in and point out clause seven line two C of judicial decree fifty-four or something, and get you out on even the tiniest of loopholes.”

“Of course he would, or at least he’d try,” Sirius said, brushing off the tenseness of a moment before seemingly easily, as he took a large swig from his glass. “And to be honest, having even just little Harry believe that I’m innocent, and Remus here, that’s worth more than some piece of paper declaring me a free man. Paper is just paper, y’know, it’s what your friends and loved ones think that matters.”

Sirius was looking at him, and Remus felt suddenly quite uncomfortable. He drank some more firewhiskey while Tonks rolled her eyes. “I thought women were supposed to be the emotional ones,” she said.

“No, trust me, once this whiskey gets to my head, I’m going to be telling both of you how much I appreciate you,” Sirius laughed. Remus smiled a little, though he was very aware of the wording Sirius had used. Appreciate, not love.

“Remus, come on, don’t make us drink the whole bottle by ourselves,” Tonks said, nudging him with her hip. She downed the rest of hers and refilled the glass. “Now, who wants ice cream?” Tonks asked, heading towards the kitchen. 

“Sure,” Sirius said, making to follow her. 

“No, you stay put, cuz, you have a seat there and enjoy being a free man,” Tonks pointed out. “Remus, you keep him company while I get the ice cream.”

She disappeared into the kitchen.

Sirius glanced at Remus, his smile becoming ever so slightly smaller. “I’m free, Moony,” he said quietly.

Remus grinned at him. “You’re free, Padfoot,” he answered.

Sirius grinned and lifted his hand, almost as if he were going to draw him into a hug, but then hesitated. He seemed to change his mind, as he turned away and dropped onto the couch. He put his feet up on the coffee table, leaned back and sighed. 

“I think I’d be able to make a good and strong Patronus now,” Sirius said.

“Yeah?” Remus asked, taking a seat in the loveseat. “I think so too.”

“Give me a refill, Moony,” Sirius asked, holding out his glass.

“That’s gonna be your fourth, in less than twenty minutes.”

“Oh, come on, I hold my liquor especially well, you know that.”

“Oh most certainly, for about three hours before you let it go and it’s in the toilet.”

Sirius waved a dismissive hand. “I won’t get that drunk. Besides, that’s after a whole bottle, not, what, eight fingers?”

Remus raised an eyebrow, but gave him a refill. Sirius sipped at it more slowly, now, looking up at the ceiling with a contemplative face.

“Ice cream!” Tonks called, levitating three bowls of ice cream in front of her. “Oh, come on, I leave for two minutes and you old men are already wimping out on me?”

“Who are you calling old?” Sirius demanded.

“You two,” she said. “Have you seen his gray hairs?” Tonks jerked her head towards Remus. “They might be sexy, but they’re still naturally gray.”

Remus raised a hand to touch his hair, confused and flustered. “My gray hair is sexy?” he muttered to himself.

“Move over, mister free man over there is taking up the whole couch,” Tonks said to Remus. 

He did, moving over to the edge. Tonks flicked her wand and the bowls made their way to each of their owners. Sirius looked down into his and frowned.

“Where are the sprinkles?” he asked, looking up.

“Not in this house,” Tonks answered. “Cheers,” she added, taking her first bite of ice cream.

“Cheers,” Remus answered, taking another swig of whiskey.

“ _Accio Sprinkles!_ ” Sirius called. 

Nothing happened.

“Told you,” Tonks said with a mouthful of mint chip.

Sirius shrugged. He dug into his non-sprinkled ice cream.

They got to talking again, asking Sirius what he was going to do now that he was officially free, and kept drinking the whiskey. When the ice cream was all finished, Remus sent the bowls back to the kitchen with his wand, almost breaking them a few times. The whiskey was beginning to affect him.

“What about women, Sirius, how are you going to get yourself a lovely lady when most witches are still scared to death of you?” Tonks asked him.

“I don’t need women,” Sirius said, “I’m going to try to woo back my old lover.”

Remus almost choked on his whiskey. He looked at Sirius with a shocked gaze, but Sirius was looking at him evenly, calmly pouring himself what had to be the tenth glass.

“Yeah? Who is she?”

“Never you mind,” Sirius told Tonks. “I plan to win him over quietly.”

Tonks did choke on her whiskey. “Him?” she said. “But my mum always told me you were a ladies’ man!”

Sirius shrugged. “Neither gender could get enough of me.”

Tonks gave a short laugh. “Really? What does that make you, then? Bisexual?”

“I prefer ambisextrous,” Sirius said seriously.

“Good for you,” Tonks said with a laugh and a shake of her head. “Gimme a refill.”

“The bottle’s almost empty,” Remus said quickly. He was a bit rattled, but he wasn’t planning on letting the two of them polish off an entire bottle of firewhiskey almost single-handedly.

“Fuck that, gimme a refill,” Tonks said. “What’s life if you don’t have a bit of fun every now and then?” She winked at Remus.

Remus shrugged and refilled her glass. He refilled his own as well, as he hadn’t drunk nearly as much as the other two, and he did need it. Sirius kept looking at him, and Remus couldn’t figure out whether he enjoyed it or it made him worry.

“So what are you gonna do?” Tonks asked. “Show up and say ‘Hey, remember me, I’m not a mass murderer anymore!’”

“No, not quite,” Sirius answered. Remus felt very uncomfortable with the topic of conversation, so he got up to find something for him to do.

“Hey, where are you going, sweetheart?” Tonks asked.

“Uh, nowhere, don’t worry about me, just keep enjoying yourselves,” Remus said quickly.

“No, come and sit down,” Sirius said, waving a hand for him to return. “We can’t enjoy ourselves if you’re not here to enjoy yourself with us.”

“What he said,” Tonks said, smirking.

Remus hesitated, but Sirius grabbed his arm and tugged him down onto the couch. Tonks frowned a little, or pouted rather, but lost it quickly to keep talking.

“So what do you plan to do?” Tonks asked. “I wanna help.”

“I don’t think I need much help,” Sirius said with a chuckle. “I think it would be best if I were honest.”

“Wow, you’re really in deep with this guy, aren’t you?” Tonks asked. 

“Yeah, I am,” Sirius answered. Remus could feel his heart pounding in his chest. The couch hadn’t seemed so cramped from the loveseat, but the small gap between him and Sirius felt as if it were trying to pull him in closer. Then Sirius leaned back and rested his hand on the seat between their legs, his fingers barely touching Remus’s thigh. Remus didn’t dare move.

“How long ago did you last see him?” Tonks asked. “You didn’t go anywhere this summer without me, unless you slipped away when I wasn’t looking.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sirius said.

“Come on, tell me all the juicy details!” Tonks asked.

“No, no, I’m not nearly drunk nor stupid enough to do that,” Sirius said. 

“It’s not like I’d report you or anything,” Tonks said with a roll of her eyes. 

“Nope,” Sirius said. “I’m clamming up now. I’ve said enough.”

“There’s no one but us!” Tonks said, slurring a little now. “Just me and Remy here!”

“He hates Remy, don’t call him that,” Sirius said instantly.

Tonks stopped, leaning back a little. “Oh, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Remus told her. “You didn’t know.”

“Anyway, why not, Sirius?”

“Nope. Nopity nope nope nope.”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “What, are you afraid he’ll hear you and get mad because you shared stories?”

Sirius paused. “No.”

Tonks leaned forward. “Are you hiding something, Sirius?” Tonks asked.

Sirius shrugged. He took another gulp of whiskey.

Tonks narrowed her eyes, leaning forward even more, until she fell forward and yelped. “Shit,” she muttered, righting herself.

“Maybe you ought to stop,” Remus said.

“Maybe,” Tonks sighed. “To be honest, I’m afraid I’d keel over and fall down if I tried going up the stairs.”

“Your room is downstairs,” Sirius said.

Tonks frowned. “Oh yeah,” she muttered.

“Still afraid you’d keel over and fall?” Remus asked.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“I’ll help you,” he said, rising from the couch. 

“I’ll help too,” Sirius added.

“You’re more drunk than I am!” Tonks protested.

“No, I’m not!” he defended himself. “I have a much higher tolerance level than you, as I’m older, you see.”

“Shut up,” Tonks snapped. “Remus, sweetheart, help me, please.”

Remus took her hands and helped her up from the couch; Tonks stumbled and fell into his chest, she giggled and straightened herself. Remus led her around the loveseat and towards the hallway/laundry room that led to her bedroom. Tonks leaned on his shoulder, yawning. Remus caught Sirius watching them, his face sour. Remus looked away.

“Oh, no, why are my bras on the floor?” Tonks asked as she stumbled over the threshold into her room.

“Probably you dumped them there after doing the laundry.”

“No, no, those are my good bras, see, they’ve got lace and shit, I wouldn’t put them on the floor.”

“I wouldn’t know, Tonks.”

She giggled. “Wouldn’t you?”

“No.”

“You weren’t a hound dog like Sirius in school?”

“Not quite.”

“Were you too shy or too focused to collect panties?”

“Too polite,” Remus said. It was as good a lie as any.

Tonks giggled again. “I would have thought you had dozens of girls falling over you.”

“Not really, that was more James and Sirius’s thing.”

“Sirius had boys falling over him, too, though, didn’t he?”

“There were very few gay boys at Hogwarts in our time. At least, very few who weren’t closeted.”

Tonks fell onto her bed, then hiccuped. “You sound like you’ve got experience.”

Remus flushed. “I – never mind. Good night, Tonks.”

“Nighty night, sweetheart.”

He turned away, heading for the door.

“Hey, I’ve got a great idea!”

“What?” Remus asked, pausing at the doorway.

“What if you come back later and collect a pair of my panties?” Tonks suggested, winking at him.

Remus turned red, opened his mouth, closed it, then said: “I – erm, no, I mean, well – good night, Tonks.”

He shut the door firmly behind him, muffling the sound of her giggling.

“She passed out yet?” Sirius asked.

“Oh the way there,” Remus answered. He made for the loveseat, but Sirius caught his hand.

“Sit here,” Sirius said quietly. Remus’s heart skipped a beat. “Please,” he added. Remus did. Sirius let go of his arm and poured them both the last of the firewhiskey. He handed Remus a glass, then they clinked them. “Cheers, Moony,” Sirius said.

“Cheers, Padfoot,” Remus replied in a murmur.

They were quiet for a while. Remus finished his whiskey and leaned back against the couch, looking at the dying embers in the hearth.

“I meant it,” Sirius whispered.

“Meant what?” Remus asked.

“I want you back.”

Remus said nothing.

“I miss you. I’ve missed you for thirteen years.”

Remus wished that he had whiskey left.

“In – in Azkaban, I used to dream…”

“That I was there?” Remus asked, his voice hoarse.

“Yes. I’d hear you, and you were always angry with me. I would dream that you hated me, that you believed that I had betrayed James. Worse, that you believed I hated you.”

Remus had no reply to this, so he said nothing. Sirius's voice was quiet, almost sad as he continued to speak, and Remus felt thirteen-year-old wounds ripping open again as he did.

“I dreamt once that you came, and you sounded so hurt and so angry, but you left some chocolate for me anyway. Then I dreamt that I woke up, and you were really there, but when I called out to you, you didn’t answer.”

Remus could not answer to that. He raised a hand to his eyes, shaking, covering the tears welling in them.

“But the chocolate was still there,” Sirius said, his voice still very soft. “And for years I couldn’t tell whether it was real or a dream.”

“What did you decide?”

It took a moment for him to answer. “That it wasn’t.”

Remus blinked away the tears, rubbing at his eyes to conceal it as exhaustion. Sirius wasn’t looking at him then. Hesitantly, he leaned forward and touched Sirius’s shoulder, making him jerk.

“I was there,” he said, his voice low.

Sirius searched his eyes, questions in his own. “Remus,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry I didn’t turn back,” Remus whispered. “I couldn’t stand to face you.”

Sirius took his hand and squeezed it, a sad smile growing on his face. “I understand. You hated me.”

Remus shook his head. “I didn’t hate you.”

“You should have.”

“I couldn’t. I wanted to. But… I couldn’t.”

Sirius nodded. “I had hoped…”

“What?”

“That you didn’t hate me,” Sirius murmured, but Remus felt that that wasn’t what he had wanted to say.

“I never could.”

“I’m glad,” Sirius said.

Sirius leaned back against the couch’s back. Remus leaned with him, letting their shoulders touch. Sirius still held his hand tightly. 

Maybe ten or fifty minutes later, Sirius spoke again.

“It’s past one.”

“Is it?”

“We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” Remus murmured.

Sirius glanced at him, his mouth opening. But he sighed and rose up and, saying nothing, let go of his hand. “Good night,” Sirius whispered.

“Good night,” Remus answered, but with none of the finality with which he had said it to Tonks.

Sirius mounted the stairs, and Remus listened to the floorboards creaking until Sirius’s door shut. Remus stayed still, staring into the fire.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he wanted to do. His heart had finally stopped feeling broken a few years ago, and when Sirius had showed up and proved Peter to be the traitor, everything that had happened came rushing back; the fights, the screams, the tears, the moans, the whispers, the smiles. Their first kiss, the first time Sirius said _I love you_ on the same night they first had sex, their first big fight, that day in February when he realized that the war would never end and that Sirius was better off without him, Hogwarts and the nights Sirius woke Remus up when he’d had a nightmare or Remus had woken Sirius, July 9th, 1980. Now his heart felt stretched, broken still, but not beyond repair. He didn’t know what he should do to fix it. Or rather, he did, but he didn’t know if that would just make it worse or not.

Remus sat there a while. He watched the clock tick past two and the embers die. The last few coals reminded him of the color of the carpet in their first flat, the one they’d moved into after they finished Hogwarts.

He stood up. He took the stairs carefully, quietly; he didn’t want to wake anyone. He stepped into the hallway, then stepped past his room. He turned into the bathroom and shut the door, then flicked the light on. He inhaled, splashed his face with water, and brushed his teeth. He stared into the mirror for a moment. He did have quite a few gray hairs. 

He exited the bathroom and turned right. His room was at the other end of the hall. 

He opened the door, and stepped in, shutting it carefully. Sirius was already asleep or appeared that way. Remus crossed the room on tip-toes, and sat on the edge of the bed, then reached out and touched Sirius's shoulder. He stirred, then sat up.

“Remus?” he murmured. 

Remus took Sirius’s hands. He looked down at them, clasped in his own, then up at him, at his wide, dark eyes and the look of hope in them.

Remus kissed him. The ache in his chest faded as Sirius wrapped his arms around him, a shaking hand touching his cheek, pulling him close. Remus felt at home at last, the taste of his lips and the scent of his skin filling his soul and making him feel safe.

  
_July 10th, 1994, 7:21a.m._

It had been years since Remus had woken up feeling comforted. It took the warmth of being wrapped in his arms, the scent of the same shampoo and aftershave that he had been using since fifth year, the tickle of his breath on his cheek. Sirius’s tight grip was the most comforting and warm thing Remus could ever imagine. 

Remus closed his eyes again, wanting to let his lover’s embrace permeate his skin and mend his every crack and break. He knew then, that this was what he had needed to do. He only regretted not returning to him sooner. 

“Hey, Sirius, have you seen Re–” 

Sirius grunted, then lifted his head to look at Tonks, standing in the doorway with her mouth open. She blinked for a few seconds, then slowly backed up and closed the door. Sirius looked back at Remus, who shrugged. 

“Who gives a fuck,” Sirius said. He kissed him, with intensity that would have made Remus’s knees tremble had he been standing. His hands pulled him in at the waist, holding him as if he never intended to let go. Truth be told, Remus liked the thought. 

“Okay, yeah, I’m not hallucinating,” Tonks said as she opened the door again. “Oh, you’re snogging, alright, okay, that’s enough, get your asses out of bed so we can have breakfast." 

Sirius pulled back his lips, resting his forehead against Remus’s. “Tonks, why do we have to eat together?” 

“Because we always do and I have to leave soon.” 

“For what?” Sirius demanded, looking over his shoulder. 

“I have to go into the Ministry,” Tonks sighed. 

“Eat by yourself, and leave us alone,” Sirius snapped. 

“Don’t be rude,” Remus scolded. Sirius groaned. 

“I can’t win with you people,” he muttered. 

“Nope, now, get up, but if you have to get rid of a boner, please do that before you come downstairs. And hurry up.” 

Tonks slammed the door. Sirius looked at Remus. 

“Do you have a boner you’d like to be rid of?” Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows. 

Remus smiled, but shook his head. “Not quite.” 

“Damn,” Sirius muttered. 

“Do you?” 

“Not yet.” 

Remus tried to calm his heart before saying: “Would you like one?" 

Sirius sobered quickly. “I – I don’t want to push you –” he stammered, “yes, but – if you – if you’d like to –” 

Remus kissed him, silencing him. “Shut up, Padfoot,” he whispered. 

“Yes, Moony…” 

They came downstairs a while later, to find Tonks sitting at the table with a copy of the Daily Prophet. “I’m guessing that Remus is the guy you were talking about last night, Sirius?” 

“Yes,” Sirius answered unabashedly. 

“Right. Remus, please forget anything I ever said to you that was accompanied by a wink.” 

“Yes,” Remus replied. 

“Sirius, forgive me for making moves on your man.” 

“I forgive you.” 

“Lastly, please use a silencing charm next time.” 

They both blushed. 

Tonks had made eggs and bacon, along with a pot of strong coffee. Sirius positioned his chair to be right next to Remus’s as they took seats at the table. 

“Sirius, you made the front page,” Tonks said. 

“Did I?” asked Sirius. 

“Yep. ‘Ministry Exonerates Alleged Mass Murderer Sirius Black.’ Has a nice ring to it. Alleged mass murderer. 

“Sounds like the Prophet hasn’t decided whether or not they should believe that I’m innocent yet.” 

_“Whether or not this decision by the Ministry is a safe one for the Wizards and Witches of Britain, only time can tell,”_ Tonks read. 

“Definitely haven’t decided yet,” Sirius sighed. 

“Do you care?” Tonks asked him. 

Sirius looked up at Remus. “No.”


	5. five

_March 9th, 1977, 11:49p.m., an empty corridor within Hogwarts  
Sirius_

“Shhh,” Sirius hissed, pressing a finger against Remus’s lips. Remus couldn’t help but giggle, which made Sirius grin. “Stop it! Someone will hear you!”

“I’m sorry!” Remus whispered through his giggles. “I can’t believe this is happening!”

“What, that we’re sneaking out after curfew? Come on, Moony, we do that all the time.”

“No, that we’re sneaking out without James and Peter, and with James’s cloak too,” Remus whispered, adjusting his blindfold.

“Well, we could go back and get them, but I’m fairly certain that would ruin my plan.”

“I know, I know,” Remus murmured. “What is your plan?”

“You’ll see,” Sirius said firmly before pressing an equally firm kiss to his lips. Remus giggled again.

They crept around the corner, Sirius guiding Remus, hidden beneath James’s cloak of invisibility that Sirius had taken without actually asking if they could have it. James would have said yes anyway. Sirius glanced down at the map in his hands, checking the route ahead to make sure it was clear.

“Where are we going?” Remus asked in a low voice, his mouth close to Sirius’s ear. Sirius gave a shiver.

“Be patient, we’re almost there,” he answered. Remus let out a huff, sending another shiver down Sirius’s spine.

They rounded another corner, and Sirius stopped; Remus bumped into him.

“Is someone coming?” Remus asked.

“No,” Sirius said. “We’re here.”

“Where is here?”

“You’ll see,” Sirius said. He checked the map again, then slipped out from beneath the cloak. “Stay here a second.”

He paced in front of the blank stretch of wall opposite Barnibus the Barmy’s tapestry, three times, giving his very specific request to the Room of Requirement. When he finished the third pass, he opened his eyes to see a door had appeared. 

Sirius glanced back at the map, then pulled the door open quickly. “Come on!” he hissed, guessing at where Remus was. Then Remus bumped into him and Sirius pulled him inside the room, shutting the door and letting it dematerialize just as the caretaker stepped around the corner. 

Sirius gave a quick glance over the room, making sure that everything was in place. He’d come twice that day already to make sure that when he brought Remus in at midnight, it would be just as he needed it. It was the first time he’d tried it a week ago, but he still felt like he had to check. 

A clock on the mantle struck twelve, and chimed softly.

Sirius lifted the Invisibility cloak up, then released Remus’s blindfold. “Happy seventheenth, Moony,” he said.

Remus colored, a smile growing on his face. “Sirius, what did you do?” he asked.

“Absolutely nothing,” Sirius answered with a grin, gesturing to the room beyond. Remus turned, and looked around with a gasp. The room was small and cozy, with a thick carpet and a blanket spread over it in the middle. There was a cake and two bottles of butterbeer, a fireplace with a brightly burning grate, and stars overhead.

“The room did it all for me,” he added as Remus stepped forward.

“You shouldn’t have, fool,” Remus said with a smile, looking over his shoulder at him.

“Why not?” Sirius asked with a shrug. “Love makes fools out of all of us.”

Remus’s cheeks, which had been pink moments before, turned white. “What?” he whispered.

Sirius stepped forward; he hadn’t planned it like this, he had intended to get through the cake first and some of the butterbeer, but he’d already started. “I said that love makes fools out of all of us.”

“Lo-…” Remus didn’t finish the word. Sirius took his hands, then kissed him softly. 

“I’m one of the biggest fools of them all, I guess,” Sirius said. 

“You…” Remus searched his eyes. “You love… me?”

“Yeah,” Sirius answered, a half grin on his face. “A hundred percent, with my whole heart, I’m in love with you.”

Remus just stared at him. Sirius’s smile began to falter. 

“But… I’m…”

Sirius pressed kiss to his lips, stopping him from trying to claim that his lycanthropy made him unworthy of love. “I don’t give a shit about what happens to you on the full moon,” Sirius said in a quiet voice. “I’m in love with all of you, and that includes the wolf in you.”

Remus blinked, his mouth a little open and his eyes wide. “You’re in love with me,” he murmured.

“I love you.”

Remus’s eyes were watering. Sirius brushed away a tear with the pad of his thumb, then cupped his cheek. “I love you,” he said again, laughing a little as he grinned.

Remus threw his arms around Sirius’s neck, pressing a kiss to his lips and deepening it instantly. Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him to his body to his own with tight grip. A moment later, Remus pulled his lips from his and leaned his forehead against his.

“I love you too,” Remus murmured. Sirius kissed him again.

Sirius didn’t register asking the Room to get rid of the cake and butterbeer, nor change the blanket into a bed. He and Remus stumbled away from the door, their lips still locked together, Remus’s hands in Sirius’s hair and Sirius already getting aroused. He lowered Remus onto the blanket that was now a bed, then knelt over him, still kissing him fiercely. Remus pulled on him, tugging him down onto the bed with him, then flipped them and straddled his hips. Sirius let out a soft gasp, then a quiet moan, and Remus kissed him even harder. Remus’s lips moved from his own to his ear, biting gently on the cartilage. Sirius flattened his palms against Remus’s back, one between his shoulder blades and the other at the small of his back. Remus began a trail of kisses down his neck, his hands already at the neck of the robe Sirius was wearing over his pajamas. Sirius got the hint and started undoing his robe, but Remus shooed his hands away, lifting his lips for a moment to speak.

“I want to do it,” Remus whispered, his eyes locked on Sirius’s. Sirius gave a nod, unable to speak. Remus started to undo the robe, then helped him shrug it off. Remus wasn’t wearing a robe, just a dressing gown, which Sirius quickly helped him shed. Then Remus’s hands were at the collar of his pajama shirt, unbuttoning it. Sirius’s heart was racing in his chest, and every brush of Remus’s fingers against his chest made it faster. Halfway through unbuttoning his shirt, Sirius reached up and started to take off Remus’s, who paused to tug it off. Sirius immediately put his hands on the bare skin of Remus’s waist, who shivered before pulling Sirius’s shirt the rest of the way off. 

The second Sirius had his shirt off, Remus began to kiss his neck again. He found Sirius’s pulse and pressed his open lips to it, sucking gently at his skin. Sirius felt bold enough to trail his hands down Remus’s back, ghosting over the waistband of his pajama trousers. Remus let out a murmur, and Sirius could feel him responding. Remus moved his lips, and gently nipped at the joining of his neck and shoulder; Sirius moaned and Remus chuckled. There were probably hickeys already forming on his neck, but Sirius didn’t care. Remus kissed his lips again, pushing his tongue into his mouth. Sirius let his hands drift farther downward, and Remus let out a gasp of his own, the pressed himself even closer. Sirius murmured, quietly, not even sure what he was saying. 

Remus’s lips returned to his pulse, then trailed down, sucking and nipping at his skin. Sirius’s mind was fully occupied with the sensation of Remus’s lips bruising his skin. Remus’s hand pressed against his chest, then drifted to his waist and to his stomach. Then lower.

“Remus…” Sirius whispered. He felt him shiver as he said his name. “Remus, you… you don’t have to...”

“I want to,” Remus said again, his voice firm. They had fooled around before, plenty of times they had snogged in broom cupboard and grinded against each other in the dark, but what Sirius heard in Remus’s voice was different.

“Remus… I don’t want you to do something you’re scared to do.”

“I’m not scared. Turn over.”

He did. Remus pressed his lips to his shoulders, his hands grazing over his hips. Sirius lost control of his Gryffindor sense of chivalry, letting Remus do what he wanted to. Sirius had said that he loved every part of Remus, even the wolf, and that night he met another part of the wolf that wasn’t released with the full moon.


	6. six

_January 12th, 1973, 2:11a.m., a boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower  
Sirius_

Sirius awoke with a start, knowing that something was wrong but he couldn’t tell what. Something had startled him from his dream, something that made him feel scared. But then he heard it again, a soft cry that died into a whimper.

Sirius threw his blankets off his bed, looking around. It sounded almost like a wounded animal, a dog of some kind. He looked around the dorm, trying to find out what it was, when he heard it again, coming from the bed next to his. 

“Remus?” Sirius muttered, stepping closer to the other boy’s bed. There was faint light coming from behind the curtains, casting the shadow of a child sitting up, hugging his knees to his chest.

Sirius pulled the curtain away. Remus started, flinching away from the noise and almost falling off the bed. Sirius grabbed his arm, steadying him and keeping him from falling.

“What’s the matter?” Sirius said. “Are you crying?”

Remus hastily wiped at his cheeks. “It’s nothing, forget about it,” he mumbled. “Go back to bed.”

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m not. Go back to bed, Sirius.”

“You are, I heard you; you sounded scared.”

“I – it was just a bad dream, that’s all.”

Remus picked up the thing that was casting the light, a small glass rabbit on a black base, turned it over and flicked a switch, cutting off the light. He turned his back to Sirius, going to lay down again.

“Was it a nightmare?” Sirius asked him.

Remus glanced at him. “It’s fine, it doesn’t matter. Go back to bed.”

“You don’t seem fine,” Sirius said peevishly. “I’m your friend, you can trust me. What’s wrong?”

Remus deflated a little. He picked up the glass rabbit again and turned the light back on. “It was a nightmare,” he mumbled. “But it – I’m used to it, it really is okay.”

“No, it’s not, you’re shaking, Remus,” Sirius said. “Here, move over.”

Remus looked up at him, his eyes wide. “What for?”

“Because you need a hug, alright?” Sirius said. “Move over.”

Remus scooted to the other side of the bed, and Sirius sat himself next to him. He put his arm around his shoulders and rubbed at his shoulder soothingly, like his grandmother had done to him when he was little and afraid.

“What was the dream about? Do you want to tell me?”

Remus was quiet for a moment, then he bobbed his head up and down, his gaze on the glowing glass rabbit. “It’s the same one, every time. Or, the same basis. The people change sometimes, but it’s usually my parents…”

“What is?”

Remus inhaled deeply. “I – I bite them.”

“You – oh,” Sirius stopped, understanding. “As… during the, you know…”

Remus gave another nod. “It’s always the same, I turn, and then I can see myself, at home or somewhere like that, and I know what I’m doing and that I’m doing it, but no matter how hard I try to stop myself I –…”

He didn’t finish. Sirius squeezed his shoulders. “It isn’t you. When you turn, it’s not really you anymore. You would never hurt anyone.”

“But I do!” Remus whispered. “I kill them…”

“Remus, you’ve never killed anyone; you couldn’t if you tried,” Sirius told him. “First off, when you turn, you’re still a small wolf, you couldn’t kill either of your parents. One or two good Stunners and you’re fast asleep.”

“What’s the second point?” Remus asked.

“Erm, well, I don’t really have one.”

Remus laughed quietly. “Figures.”

“I guess I could point out that you’re the least intimidating figure on the earth; you fold your bloody socks, Remus!”

“What’s so weird about folding my socks?” Remus muttered to himself, but a smile was growing on his face.

Sirius gave his shoulders one final squeeze. “Feeling better?”

“A little.”

“Only a little?”

“Okay, a lot.”

“Good, my job’s done then.”

Sirius pulled back his arm and got off the bed. “You can leave the light on if it helps you,” Sirius told him, backing back towards his bed. “The light doesn’t really escape the curtains.”

“Thanks, Sirius,” Remus murmured, reaching up to pull back his curtains.

“Anytime, Moony,” Sirius said with a toothy grin. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”


	7. seven

 

_June 4th, 1994, 10:01p.m., the DADA professor’s office  
Remus Lupin_

Remus thought perhaps he had gone mad. Perhaps his sleep deprivation was playing tricks on his eyes. It couldn’t be possible. He rubbed his eyes with his fists like a child and gaped down at the Map once more.

_Ron Weasley, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black._

_Sirius._

The names were traveling quickly down the Whomping Willow’s tunnel; Remus blinked, and they vanished. He stared at it for a second, seeing Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley moving towards the tree, then jumped out of his chair and lunged to throw back the curtains. In the fading light from the sun, he saw three figures being lashed at by the Willow. Harry. Harry and Sirius, who once did his very best to always make Harry smile but now wanted to see his blood saturate the ground.

But… _Peter Pettigrew._

“No,” he whispered. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t.

_The Map never lies…_

Remus ran for the door; he banged it shut behind him and sprinted down the corridor. He knocked into a student and barely got out an apology to them before he turned a corner, he ran all the way from his fourth-floor office to the Entrance Hall, where he shouldered open the doors to the grounds and skidded to a halt on the steps, leaning on his knees to catch his breath.

He looked up, seeing the grounds empty. The tree had stilled.

Remus took off again; as he ran, he waved his wand over his head and levitated a stick into the knot at the Willow’s base before it could attack him. He scrambled around the roots, finding the hole and dropping into it without a second thought.

He had to drop to his knees and crawl to fit in the tunnel. He didn’t stop to reminisce about old times when he could walk through the tunnel, he just crawled. In a moment, he hauled himself out of the tunnel and into the Shrieking Shack.

“We understand a lot better than you think!” shouted a voice from above. “You killed my parents! You're the reason they're dead!”

Remus’s heart lurched; Harry was there. Harry was there and so was Sirius and Peter and his brain couldn’t add everything together fast enough. He took to the stairs, going up them two at a time, finding footsteps in the dust leading to a room off to the side. He didn’t stop to think about how that room was the same room he had used to turn, or how it had been his shelter when he became human again, or the times Sirius had been there to comfort him in the worst moments of the transformation – He whipped out his wand and kicked open the door, ready to attack.

He wasn’t ready. It felt like a dagger made of memories of screaming fights and nights spent sobbing had been plunged into his chest and his knees felt weak. His wand arm faltered, but then he straightened it and pointed right it at his startled eyes. A lot of things happened in that one moment. All the pain of thirteen years came crashing back down on him; the guilt over leaving Sirius and driving him to the edge, the heartbreak of losing the people he loved the most, the whole in his heart where James and Lily had once been, it all returned and felt ten times worse than Remus had ever thought it could be. Then came the anger. Rage that Sirius had turned on him, the drive for revenge for James and Lily and Peter, poor Peter who was never good at dueling. He could barely hear anything over the pounding of his blood in his ears. For a second, he just stood there staring, his mouth slightly open as all those emotions crashed over him; his brain was unable to process and decide what it wanted to feel. There was gray in Sirius’s hair.

Remus stiffened his back and straightened his arm. His mind had settled on rage. “Black,” he choked out. “What are you doing here?”

Sirius’s jaw clenched at the use of his surname. “Remus,” he said; his voice was cold and Remus felt the dagger twist in his heart. “I came to commit the murder I was sent to Azkaban for.”

Remus’s heart clenched and his wand dropped a little as rage morphed into shock. “What?” he gasped.

“Will someone explain what the ruddy hell is going on?” shouted Ron Weasley; Remus started, he’d almost forgotten about the students. He glanced over them, seeing Harry’s shocked face, Granger’s hands clasped over her mouth, Weasley slumped on the floor, blood oozing through his jeans.

“What happened to your leg?” Remus asked.

“I think I broke it,” Ron said, his voice tense. He looked back at Sirius, who hadn’t moved, and he stepped away, keeping his wand trained on Sirius all the while. Remus knelt, glancing between Sirius and Ron, and set a hand on the boy’s leg. Ron hissed in pain as Remus prodded his skin.

“Broken,” he agreed in a murmur, then waved his wand and conjured wrappings and a splint. “We'll have Madam Pomfrey see to it back up at the castle.”

Remus lifted himself up off the ground, turning back to face Sirius. His ex-lover was staring at him, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly open. Remus steeled himself and raised his wand again. “You understand I have to turn you in.”

“If that boy takes his rat up with us, I'll come quietly,” Sirius said softly. “If I can't kill him, at the very least I should be able to prove my innocence.”

“What?” Remus repeated in a demand; he didn’t understand, it didn’t make sense. “But – but it isn't – it **can't** be –” Peter was dead, he had to be dead, Sirius had destroyed an entire street and left nothing but Peter’s finger. _But the map,_ a little voice in the back of his brain prompted. _The map never lies…_

_There was nothing to be found but his finger._

Remus’s eyes widened suddenly and his arm dropped as something in his brain clicked between Peter, the map, and the fights from thirteen years ago. “Did you switch without telling me? How could **he** be alive?” It was less of a question than a plea for confirmation; part of him intended it a plea of hope, that maybe, just maybe, Sirius hadn’t turned on them when Remus left.

“We did,” Sirius confessed. “Peter was Secret Keeper, not me.”

_Of course… Of course, they would switch and not tell me, Dumbledore thought I was the spy. Of course, they wouldn’t want it to be Sirius. It wasn’t Sirius. It wasn’t Sirius!_

“After Lily and James – after they died,” spoke Sirius, catching Remus from his thoughts, “the dirty rat faked his death.” There was pain and anger in his voice; Remus felt the dagger twist again.

“But his finger –” Remus started. There was still part of him that doubted, part of him that didn’t want twelve years grieving his best friends and thirteen years grieving his relationship to have been without meaning, a part that didn’t want to believe that it was poor, sweet Peter.

“He cut it off,” Sirius told him.

Remus stared at him, having no more words. For years, he had believed without doubt that his lover had turned his back on him and his friends, had killed Peter and led James to his death; he had even believed that he was the root of it. For years, he had been trying to come to grips with the painful truth. Now… The Map… The rat…

“Will someone answer Ron's question?” came the timid voice of Ginny.

“You aren't after Harry?” Remus murmured. Sirius shook his head, never breaking eye contact.

“But – But Mr. Weasley said you talked in your sleep – 'He's at Hogwarts,' he said you said,” Harry stammered.

“You're not the only one at Hogwarts, Harry,” Sirius said. “The rat's here too.”

“What rat? Who are you talking about?” demanded Harry.

“Peter Pettigrew,” Sirius spat, hate twisting his words.

“Ron, let me see that rat,” Remus said, turning away.

“What are you going to do to him?” Ron asked, his voice rising

“I want to see if Sirius is right. If that rat really is just a rat, it won't hurt him.”

The boy stared at him a moment, then, hesitantly, he held out the rat in his hands. Remus reached for it, noting how violently the rat was squirming. He grabbed it by the tail and touched his wand to it, the incantation forming on his lips but not escaping his mouth.

The rat glowed blue. Remus’s eyes widened, then he hastily stunned the rat before he could think better of it. “It is him,” he whispered. He couldn’t believe it, but there it was right in front of him. Sirius was innocent and Peter had been the spy. He turned the rat over in his hands, searching its belly. There was a yellow splotch near its left foreleg, and a toe was missing from its left paw. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how it could be possible, but it was. Remus felt his eyes flicking upward from the rat to Sirius, then his jaw clenched. He conjured a cage and dropped the rat into it, shutting the door with a snap.

“Back up to the castle,” he said in a deadpan voice, and, without thinking, he added: “I'm not saying I believe you, Sirius; I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.”

He didn’t look up after he said it. Sirius didn’t answer him. Remus conjured chains and shackled Sirius’s hands, all the while avoiding eye contact and trying to touch him as little as possible. He glanced at the four students, then closed one hand on Sirius’s arm, trying to ignore the idiotic butterflies in his stomach and the warmth spreading from his arm to his hand.

“Come on,” he said to the students. “Hermione, grab Pettigrew for me, please.”

Hermione gave a nod, moving forward to pick up the cage. Harry and Ginny helped Ron up, then Remus led them from the Shack to the passage; he and Sirius crawled up through it, Remus keeping his wand on him the entire time. After the four students had exited the passage as well, Remus led them from the Willow to the castle, then up to Dumbledore’s office.

Remus spent the next hour sitting with his jaw clenched as Sirius told his story, then Peter was forced to transform. He couldn’t look at the man who had once been his friend, until it was all over and he was Stunned into silence. He signed a paper to commit to being witness to the Headmaster’s interrogating of Sirius and Peter, then he expected to leave.

“Harry, if you would wait a moment,” said the Headmaster, “there are a few things that should be explained to you. Miss Weasley, you might as well stay, since you will hear the whole thing anyway.”

“Wait,” Remus said suddenly, the confusion returning to his mind and overtaking the mounting stress that Sirius was causing by merely existing, “how will she hear?”

“Miss Weasley and Mr. Potter have a unique bond,” Dumbledore said. “I suppose you deserve the full details. In short, their minds are connected and they can communicate telepathically.”

Remus blinked. He looked at his best friend’s son and his girlfriend, then at Dumbledore. He glanced at Sirius, then away, then back. The Headmaster began to explain to them that Harry and Ginny were soul-bonded, connected at a level that was nearly unprecedented in Wizarding history. Remus could only accept Dumbledore’s words at face value; it was nearly moonrise, he was tired and dreading the hours to come. As Sirius began to talk of a place to live, he looked towards Remus, a question forming in his eyes and Remus felt a stab of panic.

“Sorry, but I haven't got a place for you,” he said hastily. “I–I have to start looking for a place to live during the summer as well.”

Sirius blinked at him, then, in an almost demanding tone, he asked: “Why haven't you got a place?”

“Evicted,” Remus said with a humorless smile. He glanced away, trying to think of the many reasons he had moved over the past twelve years and one that didn’t involve crippling depression stemming from the loss of his lover and best friends. “My–my landlord decided he didn't want the liability of renting to a werewolf. Professor Dumbledore was kind enough to offer me quarters here, which is another reason I was so eager for the job.”

Sirius stared at him, and Remus made the mistake of making eye contact. Sirius didn’t believe him. He knew that he never rented from Wizarding landlords.

“If you do not find a place, Remus, you are welcome to continue using your quarters here,” Dumbledore said, jerking Remus from his thoughts. “The same goes for you, Sirius.”

Remus glanced at Sirius, his heart suddenly clenching. Sirius, stay here? Where?

He barely paid attention as the conversation continued; Ginny spoke of where she and Harry lived, informing them that there would be flats up for rent by Muggle landlords. Remus made the split-second decision that he would take that information for good use.

“I haven't done James and Lily much service by staying away from you, Harry,” he said.

Harry gave him a smile, and not for the millionth time even, Remus was reminded of James.

Dumbledore asked him to escort Harry and Ginny from his office to Gryffindor Tower; the sun had just finished setting, so Remus agreed and walked with them to the Gryffindor common room. He tried to do his best to seem as if his mind wasn’t breaking from the strain of everything he had believed the past twelve years being false, and was rewarded with making the two of them laugh. He smiled genuinely then. Harry’s laugh hadn’t changed much since he was a baby.

Remus walked back to his quarters alone. He locked the doors behind him, and no memory of Harry as a baby could help him then. He could feel the moon’s pull in his veins already. He dropped to his knees, feeling tears prick at the back of his eyes.

As if nothing could make the night hurt more, his brain decided to hope that the next full moon, he wouldn’t be alone.


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo what's up everybody guess what is happening next Sunday. you don't have to guess (unless you don't celebrate it but you probs already know), it's Christmas! and lots of people are doing the whole 12 days of Christmas special thingies and I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon with my own version, 6 days of Wolfstar!  
> ...  
> yeah, it needs work. Anyway, for the next six days, I shall upload another chapter of Wolfstar. Happy holidays to everyone, enjoy the feels.

_November 3rd, 1993, 5:42p.m._

_Remus Lupin_

Remus wasn't sure what had carried him from his office on the fourth floor down to the grounds. He hadn't put on a scarf or gloves, either, when he left his office and wore just a coat over his robes. His fingers felt numb despite being shoved deep in his pockets and his nose was burning from the cold, but he didn't particularly care.

Sirius hadn't been captured yet. He'd made the front page of the _Prophet_ , in fact. _Mass Murderer Sirius Black Reported Breaking Into Hogwarts_. Minister Fudge was calling for calm and caution in the magical community, as Sirius Black was still on the loose and they admitted to having no new leads. It didn’t escape him either that Sirius was turning thirty-four that day, come 9 p.m. Paris time, 8 their time. That just didn’t matter as much as anything else at that moment.

His copy of the _Daily Prophet_ was probably turned to ash by now, as he'd thrown it into the hearth the moment he saw Sirius's face covering the front page; flashing his yellowed teeth and shaking his matted mane of hair. The madness in his eyes had revolted Remus. The fact that he had once loved him revolted Remus, and the fact that he still hadn't gotten over it revolted Remus.

In general, Remus was revolted these days. He assumed it was an occupational hazard, being a werewolf.

He found himself nearing Hagrid's hut, and inexplicably his stomach grumbled when he saw the smoke puffing out of Hagrid's chimney. He glanced over his shoulder at the castle, then began walking towards the shack. He hadn't visited Hagrid in a while, he reasoned. It wasn't just that he was dying to see a familiar face.

He knocked on the door to Hagrid's hut and immediately heard a cacophony of barking followed by Hagrid's gruff voice shouting: "Back, back, you lazy mutts, back!"

The door opened and Hagrid looked down at him. "Remus!" he said with a grin. "Come in, come in!"

"Thanks, Hagrid," Remus said as he stepped inside the hut. Fang was quick to jump for him, his slobbery tongue hanging out of his mouth. "Hello there, old fellow," Remus chuckled, patting Fang's head fondly.

"He's certainly getting' old," Hagrid said as Remus took a seat. "Ah, down, Snuffles, gerroff."

A second dog, this one much smaller than Fang and much thinner pushed past Hagrid to get to Remus. The dog reared up and put his paws on Remus's knees, barking loudly.

"Hello," Remus said, reaching out and patting the dog's head. "And who are you?"

The dog barked again agitatedly.

"Tha's Harry's dog," Hagrid said. "Brought 'im with 'im on the train. Get down, Snuffles," Hagrid added as he grabbed Snuffles's collar and pulled him off of Remus.

"I remember you now," Remus said, "you tried to scare off a Dementor all by yourself."

The dog barked and jumped up on Remus's lap again, this time going to lick his face. Remus cringed but laughed as Snuffles's wet tongue scraped over his cheek; gently, he pushed the dog off.

"Snuffles, though?" Remus said, turning to Hagrid. "That's a funny name."

"Aye," Hagrid agreed with a chuckle. "Harry said his gram named 'im."

"Of course, she did," Remus said. "Lily's mum did have a fondness for giving things strange names."

Snuffles barked again, trying to lick him once more but Remus leaned back quickly. "No, don't lick me," he said, and the dog looked at him almost reproachfully. "Sorry," he added in a murmur.

Snuffles whined and flattened his ears. Remus took pause, a little confused by the look in the dog's eyes. Somehow, he looked almost sad.

"Are you missing Harry?" Remus asked.

Snuffles barked, then whined again and lifted himself off of Remus's lap. Rather, he placed his head on Remus's knee and looked up at him with begging eyes. Remus set a hand on his head and rubbed between his ears.

"There, there," Remus said. "I'm sure Harry will come and visit you soon."

Snuffles only whined further.

"Snuffles, stop bein' such a baby," Hagrid said. "You been jus' fine until Remus got here."

The dog barked again. "Oh, hush," Hagrid told him. "Tea, Remus?"

"Please," Remus said.

Hagrid went bustling about making the tea while Remus stroked Snuffles's ears absently. The dog had stopped whining by then, but he still huddled close to Remus's leg. He'd seen him behave in much the same way with Harry on the train, but Remus didn't quite understand why the dog was acting so fond of him, as he'd never even met the dog before that day on the train. Still, he didn't mind. The warm weight of the dog pressing against his leg felt comforting to him somehow. He'd always loved dogs.

Hagrid set down a mug of tea and Remus lifted his hand to take it. Immediately, Snuffles began to whine again.

"You're fine, boy," Remus told the dog without looking back at him. He sipped at his tea and let his eyes flutter shut. He'd made the right decision visiting Hagrid. Whatever his cooking skills, the half-giant made an excellent cup of tea.

Snuffles nudged his elbow and Remus nearly sloshed tea from his cup. "Careful," he warned the dog and switched hands. As he dropped his now empty hand to his knee, Snuffles nosed his muzzle beneath it, his big dark eyes fixed on Remus. He whined softly and nudged Remus's hand.

"Alright, alright, I'll pet you," Remus grumbled and patted the dog's nose.

"He must really like you," Hagrid said. "Never seen 'im act like that around anyone but Harry."

"Really?" Remus said, looking down at him.

"Yeah, it's funny," Hagrid murmured. Then he smiled. "Must be your animal magnetism."

Remus let out a chuckle and Snuffles half barked. He patted between the dog's ears and turned to look at Hagrid again. "You know, I – I saw Harry on Halloween."

Hagrid set down his mug. "Yeah?" he said quietly.

"You never told him about – that Halloween was when they died."

Snuffles suddenly whined again and Remus patted his head once more. Hagrid slowly shook his head.

"I figured it was best he didn't know," Hagrid answered. "So, it didn't ever ruin the fun."

"I understand," Remus said quickly. "I just… I don't know."

Hagrid looked up at him, his dark eyes sad under his furrowed brow. "I miss 'em too," he said softly. "It doesn't ever go away, Remus. You gotta stop expecting it to."

Remus dropped his gaze, startled at how much Hagrid had guessed. Snuffles nudged his hand and Remus glanced back at him, at the dog's sad, black eyes and he rubbed at his ears. "I just… It's been twelve years, Hagrid. I thought that I had been – That I did move on, but then… This whole mess with – with Siri–…" His voice broke and he stopped. For a moment, there was silence as Hagrid waited and Remus searched for the words. Snuffles's eyes were more of a dark gray than black, Remus thought.

"It feels like it's just happened all over again," Remus confessed. "And… And I can't help but wonder if – if I had done something different back then – maybe if I hadn't left, he wouldn't have –"

Snuffles barked loudly and growled. Remus jumped in his seat and jerked back his hand, startled.

"Snuffles, be quiet," Hagrid admonished the dog before addressing Remus. "Look, it wasn't your fault, Remus. You can't 'ave known that he'd gone off the radar like that."

Snuffles growled again and Remus looked down at him in shock instead of answering Hagrid. Hesitantly, he set his hand on the dog's ears again, stroking them softly.

"Calm down," he murmured to the dog.

Snuffles blinked at him, then dropped his head onto Remus's knee again.

"Remus?"

Remus glanced back at Hagrid before dropping his gaze to the dog's again.

"Remus, it wasn't you," Hagrid said. "Si–… Black went evil on his own. You didn't have anything to do with it."

Remus gave a nod, but he didn't believe Hagrid. He had had twelve years to dwell on James and Lily's death. He'd had twelve years to convince himself that it was his fault. A few words from an old friend wouldn't change that.

"Today's his birthday, y'know," Remus murmured softly.

Hagrid was quiet for a while. "Yeah, I know," he said finally.

Remus clenched his jaw, trying to fight off a sudden wave of anger and hurt. "Thirty-four," he said. "He used to say all the time that he'd rather die than be thirty."

Hagrid bobbed his head vaguely. "If I'd known," he murmured, "that – that he was responsible that night, when I went to get Harry. I'dda made sure he never hit thirty."

Remus gritted his jaw again, looking down at his tea. "Imagine if he came back to Hogwarts again," he said. "Broke in and tried – Imagine if – if one of us found him."

"I'd kill 'im," Hagrid grunted instantly. "Them Dementors wouldn't have a chance to have a go at him. I'd kill him where he stood with my bare hands."

Abruptly, Snuffles whined and pressed himself closer to Remus's leg. Remus patted his head absently. "I don't know what I would do," Remus confessed quietly.

"You'd Stun 'im and give 'im to Dumbledore," Hagrid grumbled. "Because tha's what kind of person you are, Remus. A good man."

It sounded like Hagrid was still trying to prove a point to Remus, and Remus wasn't so sure he believed it.

"Maybe I'd kill him too," he said quietly. "For – for James and Lily, and for Peter."

The dog at his feet growled again, then barked. Remus lifted his hand, annoyed with the dog's intense need for attention. "Hush," he scolded him. "This is not the time to be a brat."

The dog's ears flattened and Snuffles whined, his eyes wide. Remus stared down at him, his eyebrows raised in a silent dare. The dog dropped his head back onto Remus's knee, that sad look in his eyes again.

"He's a funny dog," Hagrid said, and the moment had passed. "Y'know, he tore up my copy of the _Prophet_ this mornin'. I didn't even have a chance to read the front page."

"It was an article about the hunt for Black," Remus said in a falsely calm voice.

"Oh," Hagrid murmured. "Fitting, then, eh?"

Remus just nodded. "Fitting," he agreed.

Snuffles whined again softly, but Remus ignored him to sip at his tea.


	9. nine

_July 17 th, 1994, 3:06a.m., their flat in Ottery St. Catchpole_

_Remus_

Remus wasn’t quite sure at first what had roused him from sleep. He realized a moment later that Sirius’s arms were no longer around him, and as he looked around, he saw that Sirius had turned over in his sleep, pulling his arms and legs up and into a fetal position. Then, he realized that Sirius was whispering something.

 

 Remus lifted himself up onto an elbow and touched Sirius’s shoulder; Sirius immediately flinched and tightened himself to be even smaller.

 

   “… well, why don’t you throw the whole thing out then, if you hate it so much…”

 

 Remus furrowed his brows, very confused by what he was whispering. “Sirius,” Remus whispered, his voice gentle, “what are you doing? Who are you talking to?”

   “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, just forgive me, okay? I didn’t mean it.”

 

   “What?”

 

   “What?”

 

 Remus touched his shoulder again, and Sirius managed to tense even tighter. “Sirius, relax, it’s just me.”

 

   “No, no, you’re not real.”

 

 Remus fell back, stunned. “What?”

 

   “Please, just leave me alone, you’re not real…”

 

   “Sirius, I am real, what are you talking about?”

 

   “No, you weren’t real the last time you said that, you’re never real! Please, please, leave me alone!” Sirius’s words died down into a whimper. The way he whispered it, it made Remus remember what Sirius had confessed that night after Peter’s trial. While in Azkaban, he had heard voices. He had heard Remus’s voice. And then he thought even further back, to the one time that he had visited him in Azkaban, to the way Sirius had shouted in his sleep.

 

   “Sirius, it’s okay,” Remus murmured, “I am real, I promise.” He touched his hand to his hair, but didn’t pull back when he flinched this time. He began to comb his fingers through his lover’s hair, still whispering to him. “You’re dreaming, Sirius. It’s just a dream.”

 

 Slowly, Sirius’s arms unclenched and he pushed his legs out. Remus continued to comb through his hair. “You’re dreaming, love. It’s alright.”

 

   “I… I’m dreaming?”

 

   “Yes. I’m real, I’m right next to you.”

 

   “But… you… you’re never real…”

 

   “I’m real now,” Remus murmured. “It’s alright.”

 

 Sirius shifted, his body turning back towards Remus’s. “Where did I put my keys, Moony?”

 

   “They’re downstairs, in the dish on the kitchen counter.”

 

   “Where’s my bike?”

 

 Remus paused. He hadn’t seen it since he’d left in 1981. He didn’t know what happened to it when Sirius was sent to Azkaban, it hadn’t been at their flat when Remus emptied it. “I don’t know, Padfoot.”

 

   “I gave it to Hagrid, I think. Do you think he still has it?”

 

   “Yes, I’m sure,” Remus told him. “We can ask him about it tomorrow.”

 

   “Have you gotten the stagling a gift yet?”

 

 Remus blinked. “Stagling – do you mean a fawn?”

 

   “No, I mean Harry. You know, stagling, Prongs Jr., Prongslet, physical proof that James got into Lily’s pants.”

 

 Remus held back a snort. “You can’t call Harry ‘physical proof that James got into Lily’s pants’.”

 

   “I didn’t call him that, James did! Granted, he said ‘physical proof that I got into Lily’s pants’, but I never got into Lily’s pants myself so I can’t say that.”

 

   “I’m very glad you never got into Lily’s pants.”

 

   “Not that I’d want to. Remus’s pants are more my area.”

 

 Remus flushed. “Sirius, you’re talking to Remus.”

 

   “Peter, what are you talking about? I know for a fact that you’re not Remus.”

 

 Remus’s blush faded instantly. “Sirius, I’m not Peter, I’m Remus.”

 

   “Yes you are, don’t be daft.”

 

   “Sirius, you’re dreaming. I’m Remus.”

 

 Sirius fell quiet then. Remus kept combing through his hair, hoping that whatever Sirius was dreaming didn’t turn dark. He knew where it would go if it did.

 

   “Peter, where were you yesterday?”

 

   “Sirius, I’m not Peter.”

 

   “Peter, where’s Harry’s gift?”

 

 Remus hesitated, he didn’t know what to do, if he played along it might end up badly, if he kept insisting he might upset Sirius. He wondered if he ought to wake him up, when Sirius suddenly went rigid.

 

   “James… James, no…”

 

 Remus pushed his other hand into his hair, hoping to calm him before it got worse.

 

   “Peter, they’re dead…”

 

   “Sirius, you’re dreaming, I’m not Peter, I’m Remus.”

 

   “They’re dead, Peter, and you had the secret. The only way You-Know-Who could have found him is if you told him!”

 

   “Sirius, wake up, you’re dreaming!”

 

   “They’re dead!”

   “Sirius, please, wake up!”

 

   “You did this to them! You lying bastard, you did this!”

 

 Remus bent and pressed his lips to Sirius’s mouth, his hands still caught in his hair. He whimpered, then murmured something against his lips. Slowly, Remus pulled back. “Sirius?”

 

 Sirius’s eyelids lifted; he frowned up at Remus. “What time is it?” he mumbled.

 

 Remus glanced at the clock. “Ten after three.”

 

 Sirius yawned and rubbed at his eyes. “What’d you wake me up for?”

 

   “You were talking in your sleep.”

 

 Sirius’s hand fell onto the bed. He didn’t meet Remus’s gaze, rather stared at a point somewhere to his right. “I talk in my sleep?”

 

 Remus nodded. “You were… You thought that you were talking to Peter.”

 

 Sirius blinked, then looked away. “I have that dream a lot,” he murmured. “It doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”

 

 Remus bent and kissed him again, touching a hand to his cheek. “It does matter,” Remus whispered, “because you’re not fine and you need a hug. That’s how you cure nightmares, remember?”

 

 Sirius looked up at him, and he smiled a little. “I did use to say that a lot, didn’t I?” he murmured. “You need a hug.” Then his smile faded. “I guess it was because no one ever hugged me when I was young and I needed it.”

 

 Remus lay down next to him, putting his head on his shoulder and his arm across his chest. Sirius slipped his arm out and then wrapped it around his shoulders, setting his other hand over Remus’s.

 

   “I’ll always be here to hug you,” Remus promised. “Whenever you need one.”

 

   “Thank you, Remus.”

 

 Remus dropped a kiss onto Sirius’s shoulder. “I love you, Sirius.”

 

 Sirius’s hand tightened on Remus’s. “I love you too,” he murmured.

 

 It was the first time they’d said it in thirteen years.

* * *

 

A/N: _Please note that I got the idea of calling Harry “stagling” from a tumblr post._


	10. ten

_June 18 th, 1976, 3:16a.m., the Gryffindor common room_

_Remus_

 

His head slipping off of his palm caused Remus to wake with a jerk. He looked around, disoriented for a moment, then, shaking his head, gathered his bearings. He reached over and poked Sirius, until the other boy lifted his head off of the textbook he was using as a pillow.

 

   “Wha’– it’s Gamps’ third law! No, clause!” Sirius frowned. “What?”

 

   “You fell asleep,” Remus said, yawning halfway through his sentence.

 

  “So did you,” Sirius retorted, then yawned himself. “Damn. Where’d James and Peter go?”

 

 Remus looked around, but the other two of their friends were indeed gone. “I think they went to bed,” Remus said. “I vaguely remember James telling me that he was going to sleep.”

 

 Sirius sighed and leaned back in his chair, stretching. “Wish I could sleep,” he mumbled. “Wish we didn’t have to cram still.”

 

   “We could probably go to bed now,” Remus said, checking his watch. “It’s quarter past three. If we want to be awake during the exam, we probably should.”

 

 Sirius shook his head. “I haven’t even started on Potions revisions.”

 

   “Yes, you have, we’ve all been revising for at least a month now.”

 

   “Oh yeah.”

 

 Remus stretched himself, pulling his arms up and cracking his spine. He caught Sirius watching him and dropped his arms; “What?” he asked.

 

 Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know.”

 

 Remus gave a nod, then propped his head back on his hand, putting his elbow on the table. He let his eyes drift shut, until Sirius prodded him.

 

   “What?” Remus asked.

 

   “Falling asleep here will give you a giant pain in the ass,” Sirius pointed out. But he propped himself up on his own elbow, leaning forward and barely holding his eyes open.

 

 Remus shrugged, shutting his eyes again. He felt Sirius’s forehead touch his, then his friend’s weight against his forehead. “You’re leaning on me, Sirius.”

 

   “Oh.”

 

 He didn’t move. Remus half opened one eye. Sirius’s eyes were both closed by now, his mouth slightly open as he breathed, falling asleep again. They were close enough that Remus could feel Sirius’s exhales dust his face, their noses nearly touching. Remus ignored his heartbeat spiking and poked his shoulder, but Sirius caught his hand and held it tightly, stopping him from prodding him again.

 

   “Are we falling asleep here?” Remus asked him in a whisper.

 

   “No, we shouldn’t,” Sirius yawned.

 

   “Move to the couches?”

 

   “Sure,” Sirius sighed.

 

 They got up, moving sluggishly, until they reached the first cushioned seat and they both collapsed onto it. It was one of the wider armchairs, Sirius taking the right half and Remus the left one. A poof trotted over and set itself in front of the chair, so the both of them put their feet up on it. Remus turned his head to the right and sighed. Sirius faced him, their foreheads colliding gently again.

 

   “Are we gonna sleep here all night?” Remus asked.

 

   “Wouldn’t be the first time,” Sirius mumbled.

 

   “I’m fine with that.”

 

   “Me too,” Sirius added. Their faces were quite close. Sirius yawned again, then Remus yawned, their noses coming together at the tips.

 

   “What time is the Transfiguration exam tomorrow?” Sirius mumbled.

 

   “I dunno,” Remus sighed.

 

   “Me neither.”

 

   “Isn’t that why you asked?”

 

   “Oh yeah.”

 

 Sirius’s breath fell on Remus’s face, vaguely minty from the remnants of his toothpaste.

 

   “You worried about it?” Sirius asked, his lips brushing against Remus’s cheek as he spoke. Remus shook his head, though his heartbeat had sped up again. “Too sleepy to worry?” Sirius asked, again, his lips brushing against Remus’s, they were so close. Despite being half asleep, something in Remus stirred, he wanted to move even closer.

 

   “Yeah,” Remus mumbled, and he felt his mouth brushing Sirius’s as he spoke. Sirius nodded, and the scratchiness of his stubble tickled Remus’s lips.

 

 Sirius nosed his face closer to Remus’s, and their mouths fell together in a sleepy kiss. Remus felt a hand at his waist, Sirius pressing his lips against Remus’s in a way that had to be intentional, otherwise just cruel happenstance. There were butterflies zooming up and back in Remus’s chest, which was now held tightly against Sirius’s. Remus hadn’t imagined that the first time Sirius kissed him would be after cramming for OWL’s for several hours, nor while they were both falling asleep, but in part, this was best, as Remus was too tired and too pleased to be shocked that Sirius was kissing him.

 

 They fell asleep again, their lips still touching.


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that there was no update yesterday; my family and I were traveling for the holidays and we were in the car all day. Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas!

 

_June 18 th, 1976, 6:04a.m., the Gryffindor common room_

_Remus_

 

Remus felt very warm and very content as he awoke with the first rays of dawn.

 

 His back felt painful and stiff, his neck was at an uncomfortable angle, there was a faint ache in his hips from laying skewed in the armchair, and his shoulders felt very sore and tender. And he felt quite delighted as he woke.

 

 Sirius’s arm was draped over his waist, keeping him pressed close. His head was tucked in the crook of Remus's neck, and his lips brushed against his skin with his every exhale. Remus felt so pleased because of this, and the lovely dream he’d had the night before, where Sirius had kissed him before they’d fallen asleep.

 

 But then he woke a little further, and Remus realized with a mental jerk that Sirius and he were not meant to be entangled so in their sleep, Sirius’s head shouldn’t be buried in his jumper, his lips shouldn’t be brushing Remus’s skin as he exhaled and inhaled. He quickly slipped out of Sirius’s embrace and moved to the couch, laying down there rather than in the armchair with his best friend. For a while, he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wide and still a little shocked at himself. They were friends. Sirius was his friend. No amount of dreaming, day or night, would make any difference. He shouldn’t even want a difference. They were **friends**.

 

 Sirius muttered something Remus couldn’t understand. He shifted and rubbed at his face, then winced as he sat up.

 

   “That chair is not comfortable,” he mumbled.

 

   “Yeah,” Remus agreed. “I mean, the couch isn’t either.”

 

 Sirius looked over at him, frowning a little. He glanced down at his hands, then shook his head and sighed. “What time is it?” he asked, looking back up.

 

 Remus checked his watch. “Ten past six.”

 

 Sirius groaned and leaned back in the chair, stretching his arms over his head and his legs out. Remus heard a few joints pop and he winced at the noise. “It’s way too early to be up, not even on the final day of our exams,” Sirius sighed.

 

 Remus shrugged. “Means we get first pick at breakfast.”

 

   “What are you two doing down here already?”

 

 Remus sat up and looked over at the stairs; James and Peter were coming down, dressed and rubbing at their eyes.

 

   “We fell asleep down here,” Sirius said.

 

   “What, on the couches?” James asked. “What time did you finally stop studying?”

 

   “A bit past three,” Remus said, then yawned. “When did you two bail on us?”

 

   “I left at two,” James said, “but I think Peter left earlier.”

 

   “Not long before two,” Peter mumbled. He seemed to be sleep-walking rather than awake.

 

 Remus gave a nod, then stretched himself and yawned once more. “Shall we go down to breakfast?”

 

   “Might as well,” James said. “After you two stop stretching and yawning. You’re going to make me yawn.”

 

 Remus shrugged and rose from the couch. “You try sleeping in a chair all night.”

 

   “You were on the couch?” Peter said.

 

   “Right, that’s what I meant,” Remus said quickly. He caught Sirius's furrowed brow and tried to ignore it.

 

 They went down to breakfast, and Remus drank three cups of coffee, two more than he honestly should have. By the time the Great hall was prepared for their Transfiguration paper exam, his hands were shaking from the caffeine and the nerves. The fifth years were all outside the Great Hall, waiting to be called in; Remus was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall because his legs were trembling. James and Sirius were seated either side of him, James muttering terms and facts under his breath, Sirius flicking through his revision notes. Peter was lying on the floor in front of them, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Remus almost wondered if he had fallen asleep, but his eyes were still open. Of the four of them, Peter was the only one who hadn’t mastered sleeping with his eyes open.

 

 They were finally called in, and given their desks. Remus was in front of Sirius, with James on his right and Peter two desks away, one back and one to the left. A professor passed out quills, then another announced they could turn over their sheets. Remus’s hand shook as he flipped over his exam, and even more as he lifted his quill. He took a deep breath, then glanced over at James – he was reading through the exam with a blank expression –, then at Peter – he was frowning profusely – then subtly over his shoulder at Sirius. Sirius caught his eye and gave him a wink, before lowering his quill to the paper. Remus turned back and inhaled again, then, with a steadier hand, began.

 

 Remus finished a little more than an hour later. He set down his quill and checked his answers and essay paragraphs, then checked it again, and again, until a professor passed by him with a bin of completed exams. Remus offered his, his heart pounding, and as the professor walked away he thought of several mistakes that he probably made. He felt something prod his chair, and looked back. Sirius raised his eyebrows at him, then smiled. Remus gave a nod. He probably did well. He hoped that he did. Sirius nodded as well then gave him another wink before he returned his eyes to his own exam. Remus glanced back at Peter, who still looked a bit lost, then at James, who was doodling absently on a piece of scrap paper.

 

 Remus leaned back in his chair and exhaled. He was calm now.

 

 They were let out a half hour later. As they exited, Peter threw his arms around James and Remus, crying that he would have failed, he was sure of it, had they not helped him study.

 

   “Oi, what about me?” Sirius asked, clutching a hand to his chest dramatically.

 

   “Well, be honest Sirius, you would have failed too if Remus didn’t check you,” Peter told him.

 

 Sirius shrugged. “True.” He slung an arm over Remus’s shoulder, making a chain of four as they walked towards the grounds.

 

   “I think I’ll get an O,” James said. “I know I got all three extra credit questions.”

 

 Remus frowned. “There weren’t any extra credit questions.”

 

   “The essay ones, remember?”

 

   “Those weren’t extra credit,” Sirius told him. James scowled.

 

   “Fuck,” he muttered. Remus rolled his eyes.

 

 Lily Evans walked by and James forgot about his essay questions to watch her hair glimmer in the sunlight; or something like that, Remus wasn’t sure exactly what James was thinking.

 

 They stayed out in the grounds under the willow tree until the Great Hall was ready for lunch; after that, they had their practical Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. Remus wasn’t as worried about that as the written Transfiguration exam, DADA was always his strong suit and he preferred practical to the written exams. They were all put into groups of four, and whoever formed the groups was either ignorant, obtuse, or indifferent, because he, James, Sirius, and Peter were put in a group together. At the end of the exam, the professor asked them, for a little extra credit, actual extra credit as opposed to what James thought counted as extra credit, to attempt the Patronus charm. At this, Remus stiffened. He glanced at Sirius, who was already taking his wand back out.

 

   “I can,” James said with glee, “ _Expecto Patronum!_ ”

 

 A silver stag burst from the end of his wand and cantered around the table before fading. The professor smiled warmly and made a note on his clipboard. “Mr. Black?” he said.

 

 Sirius raised his wand to eye level. “ _Expecto Patronum!_ ” From the tip of his wand burst a lion, which prowled forward and stalked around their table for a minute or two before it faded as well.

 

 The professor made a satisfied note, commenting: “Quite a magnificent shape, Mr. Black. Now, Mr. Pettigrew, would you like to try?”

 

 Peter shrugged. “ _Expecto Patronum!_ ” he cried. Nothing happened. He tried again, and a few wisps of silver trailed from the end of his wand.

 

 The professor sighed and made another note. “And Mr. Lupin?”

 

 Remus swallowed his nerves, then nodded and inhaled deeply. He knew he was able to do it, he had before, it was just… the form… He cleared his throat, thinking that he could stomach a bit of embarrassment for extra assurance that he would do well, then his mind and focused on a happy memory. The moment that his friends had told him that he wouldn’t have to spend the full moon by himself again. His friends sticking by him. Sirius’s lips half pressing against his…

 

   “ _Expecto Patronum!_ ” he cried. From his wand came tendrils of silver, which gathered together and condensed into a huge bear-like dog, with thick fur, bright eyes and lop ears. The professor was too busy writing a note to notice James and Peter’s raised eyebrows or Sirius’s open mouth, or Remus's flushed cheeks. The dog, which was identical to Sirius's Animagus form, padded around Remus for longer than the other two Patroni until it faded back into wisps of silver.

 

 The professor looked up, still oblivious to what had just happened. “Thank you, boys, you may exit the hall.”

 

  “Thank you, Professor Tofty,” Remus said, inclining his head towards him respectfully as they started away. James stepped past him, leading the group to the doors. A few were leaving then too, and coincidentally, Evans and three other girls were at the doors at the same time they arrived.

 

   “Hey, Evans,” James said immediately, “did you do well?”

 

 Lily glanced at him, rolled her eyes, and kept walking. Her three classmates giggled as they followed her. James’s shoulders dropped. Sirius patted him on the back.

 

   “Don’t worry, she’ll come around,” he told James.

 

   “You think so?” James asked, a little dejected.

 

   “Possibly,” Sirius added. James huffed. “Hey, forget about it, we’re done with our OWL’s, Prongs, we’re finished!”

 

   “Until next year and we begin stressing about NEWT’s,” Remus pointed out.

 

   “Hey, no bursting of bubbles here, Moony,” Sirius protested. “There’s a party in Gryffindor common room tonight!”

 

   “Says who?” Remus asked, smirking. “I know that was not authorized by any of the prefects.”

 

   “Oh, shut up, it’s not going to be too raucous or anything. Besides, I asked McGonagall, and she said that she expects us to throw a party.”

 

   “Really?” Remus asked skeptically.

 

  “Okay, maybe not quite what she said, but the point is that it’s happening,” Sirius said seriously. “I didn’t even set it up!”  


 Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius shrugged. “At least not all of it.”

 

   “Yeah, I did a few things,” James said.

 

   “Like what?” Sirius asked. “Drool over Evans’s picture?”

 

   “Shut up, Sirius.”

 

 Sirius rolled his eyes. He clapped James on the shoulder once again and started up the stairs, two at a time. “Come on, we might as well go nod off until dinner.”

 

   “Wow, Sirius wants a catnap,” James quipped.

 

   “You wimped out at two, I didn’t sleep until nearly four!”  


   “I thought you said you guys fell asleep at three!” James said.

 

   “A bit after three,” Remus said.

 

   “No, it was nearly four,” Sirius told them, turning around on the stairs. Peter overtook him as they kept going. “Remember? We were – talking.”

 

 Remus frowned at the pause in his words. Sirius looked suddenly uncomfortable and turned back, or maybe it was because he stumbled going backwards up the stairs. “Oh. I forgot.”

 

 Sirius glanced back at him, a question in his eyes that Remus couldn’t decipher. Then he shrugged and turned away, following Peter up the stairs.

 

   “What time will dinner be, anyway?” Sirius asked as they entered the Common room.

 

 Remus checked his watch. “It’s half past five now, and there are still people taking their exams, so we probably have a bit less than two hours.”  


   “Excellent, no one wake me up until then.”

 

   “We’ll make sure to keep you awake, don’t worry,” James said. Sirius turned around and cuffed James over the back of the head; Remus rolled his eyes and ducked under Sirius’s arm.

 

 They all crashed onto their beds after they reached their dorm. Despite what he had said, James was out and snoring within minutes. Remus had to get back up and shut his curtains to muffle the noise. Peter was asleep not long after that, hugging his pillow and mumbling as he always did when he first fell asleep. Remus turned over on his bed, staring at the curtains. He felt very tired, but not enough to pass out as James and Peter had done. He was thinking about the night before, the dream he’d had where Sirius had kissed him… It had been such a nice dream. He wished that it had lasted longer.

 

   “Remus?”

 

 Remus turned over, to face Sirius. “What?” he whispered back.

 

   “Erm, last night… we fell asleep in the same chair, right?”

 

 Remus felt his cheeks warming. “Er, well, yes.”

 

 Sirius nodded, his eyes not quite meeting Remus’s. “Did we… I thought –”

 

   “I moved before you got up,” Remus said quickly. “The chair wasn’t that comfortable.”

 

   “No, no it wasn’t,” Sirius murmured. “But, I thought that… I don’t know. Never mind.”

 

   “What?” Remus whispered.

 

   “It’s nothing, I must have dreamed it,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “You’ve got your clock thingy set to scream at seven, right?”

 

 Remus nodded. “What were you going to say?” he asked.

 

   “Nothing, forget about it. I confused myself.”

 

 Sirius turned over, then pulled his curtains shut. Remus stared at the curtains for a moment, before shutting his own.

 

 His alarm clock beeped at seven, and Remus got the other three boys up for dinner. They joined the rest of the house in the Great Hall, the fifth years all rejoicing or already worrying about their grades. As dinner ended at half past eight and they made their way back upstairs, Sirius vanished for a little while with Marlene McKinnon, coming back before Remus could start to feel bitter about the two of them.

 

 Before Remus realized it, a party was in full swing and the Gryffindor fifth years were celebrating the pass of their OWL’s. The sixth and seventh year students had joined them, as well as several from the other years; butterbeer and what Remus was sure was firewhiskey was passed around, cakes and sweets and pie were shared and frivolity to its fullest extent was exercised. Remus saw no reason not to join in the fun and drank each bottle of butterbeer that was pressed into his hands. By midnight, the younger students had trickled out and a few of the older ones as well, which was when the remaining students got into the sort of party games one only participates in when one has consumed a moderate amount of alcohol. Remus was beginning to feel woozy, and he hadn’t even touched the firewhiskey. Though he had seen Sirius taking shots of it earlier. There were Muggle games as well as Wizard ones, and at half past two many of them were still downstairs.

 

 But by three, several had passed out or left. Remus considered levitating a few of the students who were sleeping on the floor and couches up to their beds, but after he tripped over his own feet crossing the common room, he decided not to.

 

 At three thirty, Remus was nodding off on a couch. Sirius dropped down beside him, yawning.

 

   “Right, you want to spend the night on the couches again?” Sirius asked.

 

   “Nuuu,” Remus sighed, falling to the side and leaning on Sirius’s shoulder.

 

   “Then we should go upstairs.”

 

   “Where’s James?” Remus muttered. “Peter?”

 

   “I dunno where James are,” Sirius said. “Peter…,” Sirius waved his hands vaguely, “upstairs already. I dunno when he left.”

 

   “James is,” Remus corrected.

 

   “James is,” Sirius agreed.

 

   “You are.”

 

   “I are?”

 

   “No, I am. You are.”

 

   “I am?”

 

   “Yes.”

 

   “I am what?”

 

   “I dunno.”

 

   “Oh.”

 

 Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand. “Let’s get out of here.” He stood, pulling Remus up. Remus half noted that they weren’t headed for the stairs going up to their dorm, but to the portrait hole.

 

   “Where are we going?” Remus asked, but he didn’t actually care. He like Sirius holding his hand.

 

   “Away from here,” Sirius said. “Too loud.”

 

   “Why aren’t we going up to our dorm?”

 

   “I dunno.”

 

   “Why not?”

 

 Sirius glanced back at him, his gaze flicking over Remus’s face for longer than was necessary. “’Cause,” he said. “I don’t wanna go up there yet.”

 

 Remus shrugged. “Okay.” He let Sirius pull him out of the portrait hole.

 

 Sirius led him down the corridor, Remus not paying attention to where, until he stopped and opened a door. It was dark inside the room, so when Sirius pulled him inside it Remus was squinting to see what was there. Sirius shut the door behind them before Remus could tell what was there, putting them in pitch blackness.

 

   “Where are we?” Remus asked.

 

 Sirius put his hands on his shoulders. “Broom cupboard.”  


   “What?” Remus said.

 

Instead of replying, Sirius pushed him against the wall and crushed his mouth with his own. Remus gasped, then moaned and slipped his arms around his neck, pushing his hands up into his hair. Sirius slanted his mouth on his, his hands gripping his waist, his tongue pushing through Remus’s lips.

 

 They pulled back, panting. Remus blinked, his eyes wide as he stared at Sirius. Sirius slowly grinned at him.

 

   “I knew it wasn’t a dream,” he said.

 

   “What?” Remus said, for the second time.

 

   “Last night, I kissed you,” Sirius said. “I knew that it actually happened.”

 

 Remus gave a squeak. “I thought I was dreaming!”

 

 Sirius pressed his lips against his again, Remus forgot what he had been saying. He pulled back, Remus leaning in unconsciously, wanting to chase his lips.

 

   “I’ve been wanting to do this for ages,” Sirius confessed.

 

   “What took you so long then?” Remus asked, kissing him again.

 

   “I dunno, I couldn’t tell if you were gay or not.”

 

   “I don’t know if I’m gay or not,” Remus said, “but I like you so who cares?”

 

   “Are you bisexual, then?”

 

   “I don’t know,” Remus muttered. He wanted Sirius to keep kissing him. “What’s that?”

 

   “Means you like guys and girls; I’m bisexual.”

 

   “That’s me, then,” Remus said. “Or I’m Sirius-sexual.”

 

 Sirius laughed, and Remus kissed him again.


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas everyone, please do enjoy this very fluffy update.

_July 1 st, 1976, 5:02p.m., the Hogwarts Express_

_Remus_

 

 The train was just barely slowing and already Remus was missing his friends. He was sat opposite Sirius in their compartment, as he felt sure that if he sat next to him he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from sitting too close for friendly comfort. Peter was next to him, bemoaning the things he would have to do with his family over the oncoming holiday.

 

   “At least your parents can stand you,” Sirius said as Peter finished. “My mother won’t even look at me without a foul look anymore.”

 

   “Means you’ve turned out a decent human being,” James commented. “You should come and stay with me this summer, all of you, if you can. My mum and dad would love to have more kids in the house.”

 

 Remus nodded. “I’ll try to come and visit. It would have to be a short visit.”

 

   “Come on the new moon and leave a few days before,” James said. “Or stay and use the woods behind our house. They’re charmed to keep the game on our grounds, so you’d be stuck there.”

 

 Remus shrugged. “I’ll try.”

 

   “I definitely want to spend all summer with your folks,” Sirius said. “Better than my gloomy and dismal house.”

 

   “At least you get to owl people,” Peter pointed out.

 

 Sirius smiled, glancing at Remus briefly. “Yeah, that’ll be the one highlight, letters from you lot.”

 

   “The one highlight of your brief time still with your parents,” James added.

 

   “Point taken, I’m going to your house over the summer,” Sirius sighed. He leaned his head against the window and looked back at Remus. Remus smiled at him, who smiled back and looked away. Peter didn’t notice, but James glanced between them. Remus quickly turned his smile on Peter, then James too.

 

   “You lot’re the best friends,” Remus said. “Never change.”

 

   “Aw, Moony, are you getting nostalgic?” James asked.

 

   “Very,” Remus said. “We’re almost of age, James.”

 

   “We’ve got another year left,” James said.

 

   “Not me, I’m seventeen in November,” Sirius, “and Peter’s of age already.”

 

   “Eighteen,” Peter said, a little dejected. “I feel too old to be going into sixth year, to be honest.”

 

 Remus reached over and patted his shoulder. Peter’s delay of entering Hogwarts was a sore subject with him, though it was no fault of his own. “You were ill, Peter, you couldn’t go.”

 

 Peter shrugged. “Still.”

 

   “It doesn’t matter, you’ve got the face of a twelve-year-old,” Sirius said dryly. He reached up and touched his chin. “I envy you sometimes.”

 

   “Facial hair is a rite of passage!” James protested.

 

   “Not when it grows back by lunchtime!” Sirius said.

 

   “I’m sure it’ll settle eventually,” Remus said. He didn’t mention that he quite liked Sirius’s stubble.

 

 Sirius sighed. He dropped his hand and looked out the window. “We’re pulling into the station now,” he murmured.

 

 They fell quiet. James slowly stood up and pulled his robe over his head, revealing his Muggle clothes beneath it. The others followed suit, shoving their robes into their trunks. The train hissed and lurched a little as the brakes applied, then came to a stop. It let out a loud, long whistle, and the doors to the platform opened. They pulled down their trunks, and began their way off the train, following the mass of students to the platform. Remus spotted his parents, talking with James’s amicably. Peter’s parents were nearby, arguing from the look of it. Sirius’s parents were farther away, waiting for their sons with their usual grim expressions.

 

 Sirius followed Remus, James, and Peter to where their parents stood rather than going directly to his own. Remus knew this would upset them, but he also knew that Sirius wouldn’t care.

 

   “Hello, boys,” Mr. Potter called out, bouncing on the balls of his feet as they approached. “How are you? How were OWL’s?”  


   “Horrifying,” James said, giving his mother a hug. “I’m pretty sure I flunked the History exam.”

 

   “Well, so did your mother, so what does it matter?” Mr. Potter said.

 

   “Fleamont!” Mrs. Potter spluttered. “I didn’t flunk it!”

 

   “What do you call a P then?” Mr. Potter asked her, smiling genially at her. She huffed, but smiled a little. Remus approached his own parents, and his mother opened her arms with a wide smile. She looked much more drained than the last time he had seen her, and as he hugged her he could almost smell the chemotherapy on her.

 

   “Hi, mum,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

 

   “Much better now that you’re here,” she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “How are you?”

 

 Remus smiled at her. “Wonderful,” he said.

 

 A minute later, Peter walked back over, saying that his parents were ready to go.

 

   “Group hug,” Sirius said, holding up his arms. James rolled his eyes, but the four of them all stepped in and hugged.

 

   “Send me an owl when you’re settled,” James said to them, “after you’ve asked when you can come and visit.”

 

   “Definitely,” Peter said. “See you.”

 

   “Bye, Wormtail,” Sirius said, waving to him. His arm was still around Remus's shoulders.

 

   “Sirius.”

 

 Remus stepped away quickly at the sound of Mr. Black’s voice. Sirius’s smile faltered a bit, but then he nodded to his father. Remus saw Mrs. Black and Regulus standing a ways off, watching them. He looked back at Sirius and gave him a smile.

 

   “See you lot,” Sirius said. “Soon, I hope.”

 

   “See you, Sirius,” James said, clapping him on the shoulder.

 

   “Bye,” Remus said simply. Sirius gave him a wink, as he always did when he sensed that Remus was nervous. Sirius followed his father back to his mother and brother, and the four of them Disapparated.

 

   “We should get going as well,” Remus’s father said. “It was good to see you, Fleamont.”

 

   “You too, Lyall,” Mr. Potter said, holding out his hand to shake. “I expect our boys will want to get back together before the summer’s over. Our house is big enough for you and Hope to come as well, maybe the fresh air would do you good.”

 

   “Maybe so,” Remus’s father said. “Have a good evening.”

 

   “You as well,” Mrs. Potter said to them.

 

   “Bye, James,” Remus said to his friend, following his parents off the platform.


	13. thirteen

_July 24 th, 1976, 9:31p.m., number 12 Grimmauld Place_

_Sirius_

 

            _“Sirius,_

_Thanks for the Honeydukes chocolate, the caramel filled ones are my favorite in the world. Mum’s feeling a lot better now; the stay at my grandmother’s did her a lot of good. The country air soothes her, I think._

_James said in his last letter that you were planning on visiting him soon. I’m going to ask if I can go at the same time; I wouldn’t be able to stay longer than a week, but it would be nice to see you again. And James and Peter of course._

_I miss you too. I wish we had realized it sooner, that we had gotten together sooner, so we would have had more time together before the beginning of summer holiday. We were together anyway, but you know what I mean. We weren’t “together”. I wish you were here. I had the nightmare last night. It’s the first one in a while. When I woke up, I was going to go and get you, but we’re at home, I couldn’t. You always manage to calm me down after a nightmare. You always calm me down after anything. I hope you know that._

_It won’t be long before we’re back. It’s nearly August already, and my dad’s talking about going to Diagon Alley to get my things for school soon. He got a bonus at work, and they’re going to get me some new robes. My old ones are too short, you know. And too tight, but I guess you would prefer that, wouldn’t you?_

_I can’t wait to see you again._

_Yours,_

_Remus.”_

 

 Sirius had read that letter four times already. He had sent out a reply the same day he received it, and it had only been two days. He was waiting anxiously for Remus to respond, having nothing else to do. He stayed in his room most of the time. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room with his parents too long. Their disappointed looks were too frequent in his direction and too frequently the exact opposite towards Regulus.

 

 He left the letter on his desk, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and a matchbook from a drawer of his dresser. He left his room for the roof, taking the stairs slowly. London was still wide awake, every light on and every car rushing around to nowhere. Sirius sat down on the edge of the roof, his feet dangling over the empty space and lit his cigarette. He inhaled the smoke slowly, then blew it out.

 

 He wanted summer to be over already.

 

 Sirius finished the cigarette and lit another, flicking the used butt over the edge of the roof. He leaned back, resting his weight on his hands, watching the cars below speed by. He watched the smoke curl and sighed. It had been a long day. It had been a long month.

 

 He heard the roof door open, some ten or fifteen minutes later, and glanced over his shoulder to see Regulus stepping out onto the roof. Sirius turned away and took a drag of his cigarette.

 

   “Mother wants you,” Regulus said.

 

   “Mother requires my presence,” Sirius corrected. “She hasn’t wanted me in years.”

 

   “Sirius, this isn’t something silly. Don’t make jokes.”

 

 Sirius didn’t get up. He exhaled smoke and inhaled toxins from the city below. “What’s the matter?”

 

   “They’re mad.”

 

   “They always are.”

 

   “More than usual.”

 

   “What happened?” he asked. “Did the Ministry turn down their petition to make Muggle hunting legal again?”

 

   “You should just go downstairs, they’re in the drawing room. Before they get even more furious.”

 

 Sirius sighed then crushed his cigarette against the stone roof, and flicked it away to the street below. “Wouldn’t be a first, would it?” he murmured, moving away from the edge and standing up. He shoved the cigarettes and matches into his pocket and started towards the stairs. Regulus wouldn’t look him in the eye.

 

 Sirius made his way down to the main floor, then to the drawing room. He had always hated this room.

 

 His parents were sitting by the fire, each in their own armchair. His mother was directing a needlepoint with her wand, and his father was staring into the flames.

 

   “What?” Sirius asked them, shoving his hands in his pockets.

 

 His father held up a slip of parchment. “Do you know what this is?” he asked.

 

 Sirius shrugged. “A piece of paper?”

 

 His father lifted his spectacles from his pocket and set them upon his nose. He cleared his throat and began to read aloud: _“James said in his last letter that you were planning on visiting him soon.”_ Sirius’s heart skipped a beat in his chest. _“I’m going to ask if I can go at the same time; I wouldn’t be able to stay longer than a week, but it would be nice to see you again. And James and Peter of course._ _I miss you too. I wish we had realized it sooner, that we had gotten together sooner_ –”

 

   “That’s private!” Sirius snapped, jerking his hands out of his pockets and striding forward.

 

 His father looked up at him, disgust written over his face. Then, he balled up the letter and tossed it into the fire. Sirius lunged for it, but missed, and it fell into the flames. The fire consumed it immediately, turning it to ashes. Sirius clenched his fists and stepped back.

 

   “You have been a disappointment to your mother and me many times throughout your short life, Sirius,” his father hissed. “But never, **never** , had I imagined you would be something so foul, something so _unnatural._ ”

 

 Sirius said nothing. He gritted his jaw and stared at the remnants of Remus’s letter in the fire.

 

   “You will not see that boy again, you understand me?” his father said, his voice full of anger. “You will not even speak to the Potter boy, or that weak Pettigrew child. This – this consorting with a boy must stop. Your mother and I am beyond horrified, you have disgraced us beyond any you have done in the past.”

 

 Sirius reached into his pocket, saying nothing, putting his hand on his wand.

 

   “Not only have you entered a relationship with a boy, but with a _werewolf_.”

 

 Sirius jerked his head up, gaping at his father, who raised his eyebrows. “Did you think we did not know?” his father asked, his voice rising. “Of course we knew! Albus Dumbledore was a fool to allow such a filthy beast into Hogwarts, I have been trying for years to get the boy expelled!”

 

  “Dumbledore would never expel Remus!” Sirius burst out finally. “He’s a good person; he’s not even dangerous when he turns –”

 

   “Do _not_ talk back to me!” his father shouted. “We have tried for years to raise you right, and this is what we get? A faggot who falls for a Mudblood?”

 

 Sirius whipped out his wand and leveled it at his father, who froze, his eyes crossing to stare at his wand tip.

 

   “Take it back,” he said. “Don’t call him that.”

 

 His father glared up at him. Sirius felt something sharp in his back.

 

   “Give me your wand,” his mother said. “Now.”

 

 Sirius lowered it. He stepped back, turning the wand in his hand as if to hand it to his mother. She held her hand out, her face full of hate.

 

   “ _Stupefy!_ ” Sirius shouted, and his mother fell to the ground. His father shot from his chair, and Sirius stunned him as well. He grabbed both of their wands, then bound both of them with his own. He looked down at the wands, then threw them into the fire with Remus’s letter. He didn’t wait to watch them burn. He strode from the drawing room, then ran up the stairs to his room. He threw open his door, then grabbed his trunk, which he had never bothered to unpack properly, and threw it open. Sirius began to grab everything, shoving it into the trunk until he had taken everything he still wanted to keep. He turned to the walls, to the posters and photos pinned to the wall, and tried to take down the one of him and his best friends. But he had used a Permanent Sticking Charm to put it up, and couldn’t take it down. He would have to get another one. He slammed the lid and locked it, then dragged it out of the room.

 

 Regulus opened his door as Sirius exited his room. Sirius stared at him a second.

 

   “You showed them the letter?” he said.

 

 Regulus nodded. Sirius let go of his trunk and punched him, square in the face. Regulus stumbled backward, clutching his nose and swearing.

 

   “I’ll see you at Hogwarts,” he said, “you son of a bitch.”

 

 Sirius stormed down the stairs, his trunk thudding loudly with every step until he reached the basement. He grabbed the pot of Floo powder from the kitchen fireplace mantle, then flicked his wand at the grate; flames sprang up.

 

   “SIRIUS!”

 

 He heard his father’s scream and his stamping footsteps down the stairs. Sirius threw the Floo powder into the fire, and cried “Potter House!”  He ducked into the flames, dragging his trunk with him, as his father burst into the kitchen and screamed at him one more time before the green flames whisked him away.

 

 Sirius fell out of the fireplace and onto dark brown and red paisley carpet. He heard a woman scream, then laugh and call: “James! One of your friends just fell out of the fire!”

 

 Sirius pushed himself up and brushed the soot off his body with shaking hands. “Sorry about that, Mrs. Potter,” he said. He glanced back at the fire, half expecting his father to burst out of it and demand that he return back to their home. Not his home. It stopped being his home years ago.

 

   “Sirius, mate, you’re supposed to send me an owl before you show up,” James said as he walked up, though he was smiling. But when he saw Sirius’s face, the smile quickly vanished. “Sirius? What’s wrong?”

 

   “I need some place to stay,” Sirius said. “Just for a little while,” he added towards James’s mum. “Until I can get a flat for myself somewhere.”

 

   “Of course,” Mrs. Potter said, stepping forward, her face concerned. “Whatever is the matter, dear?” she asked him, setting her hand on his shoulder.

 

 Sirius let go of his trunk and hugged her, gladder than ever that Mrs. Potter was such a kind woman. He envied James of his mother.

 

   “Thank you,” Sirius said in half a rasp.

 

   “Of course, dear,” she said, “I’d do anything for my boys.”

 

 Sirius felt his heart calm at that. He let go of Mrs. Potter and she touched his cheek, a motherly smile on her face. There was such a stark contrast between her and his own mother in her smile. Mrs. Potter was what a mother was meant to be.

 

   “What happened?” James asked.

 

   “My father… He’s really angry with me…” Sirius sighed. “The final straw to break the camel’s back, I guess.”

 

   “What happened?” James repeated. “What did you do?”

 

   “Regulus – he found a letter that I’d gotten from Remus,” Sirius said, not even paying attention to what he was saying now, “and he showed it to my parents. They’re disgusted as well as angry with me now.”

 

   “Why would a letter from – oh…” James cut himself off. “Oh… So you guys – you are…?”

 

 Sirius gave a short nod. He hoped Remus would forgive him for outing them. “They wanted me to not speak with any of you again, and he called Remus – the ‘M’ word. I pulled my wand, but then my mother took out hers. I managed to stun them, and I threw their wands into the fire.”

 

 Mrs. Potter gasped lightly. “You destroyed their wands?” she murmured.

 

   “Mum, not the time,” James said quickly. “You know how the Blacks are, anyway.”

 

 Mrs. Potter gave a vague nod. “Yes… Yes, I suppose… But, I’m not quite sure I understand. What made them so angry?”

 

 Sirius didn’t meet her eye. “Remus… He and I – we’re together. They’re not…w understanding of that.”

 

 Then Mrs. Potter repeated James’s words: “Oh…”

 

 Sirius nodded. He hoped that she was more sympathetic than his parents.

 

   “Come and have a cup of tea, dear,” Mrs. Potter said, touching his arm. “You’ve had quite an ordeal. Tabby, please take Sirius’s trunk up to his usual room.”

 

   “Yes, marm,” said the house elf that had appeared from nowhere, moving around Sirius to snap her fingers at his trunk. She and the trunk vanished as Mrs. Potter and James led him to a kitchen, where Mrs. Potter bustled about making tea. Sirius sat limply in his chair, unsure of what to do with himself.

 

   “It’ll be alright, mate,” James said quietly. “You’ve got that money that your uncle left you, and I’m sure that you’ll be able to get a job right out of Hogwarts. You can stay with us until school starts back up, it won’t be that long anyway.”

 

   “Thanks, James,” Sirius said, a little numbly. He didn’t want to think about the future just then.

 

   “Would you like milk and sugar in your tea, Sirius?” Mrs. Potter asked.

 

   “No thanks,” Sirius said. “Plain is fine.”

 

 She gave him a nod and fixed James’s cup, then levitated them to the kitchen table. “Here you are. I’m off to find your dad, to tell him Sirius will be staying with us for the rest of the summer.”

 

   “Thanks, mum,” James said, giving her cheek a kiss. Mrs. Potter gave his shoulder a squeeze, then patted Sirius’s back, before leaving the kitchen.

 

 Sirius slumped forward onto the table with a groan.

 

   “I know, mate,” James said, patting his arm.

 

   “My parents hated me already, but now they regret my entire existence,” Sirius muttered.

 

   “They’re pretty shit parents.”

 

   “I mean, they disliked me, they really did, but now, they actually hate me. They’re disgusted by me, not just disappointed.”

 

   “How about we share my parents?”

 

 Sirius snorted. “How would we do that?”

 

   “Well, simple, you’re already living here for the foreseeable future,” James began, “just call them mum and dad. My mum already thinks of you as a second son. Well, another one, I guess, since…”

 

 Sirius was quiet. He knew that the Potters’ would have had two children, had Mrs. Potter’s second pregnancy not gone horribly wrong. He heard James sipping at his tea, and lifted his head to drink some of his own.

 

   “Thanks, mate,” Sirius said. “I’d like to have some parents that don’t hate my guts.”


	14. fourteen

_July 25 th, 1976, 9:52a.m., a shabby but cozy house in London_

_Remus_

Remus padded down the stairs towards the kitchen and the sounds of breakfast being made. He rubbed at his eyes and waved to his mother, who was sitting at the table, then walked over to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup.

 

  “There’s a letter for you, darling,” his mother called. “From your friend, Sirius.”

 

 Remus’s fingers slipped on the mug, but he caught it again before anyone could notice. “Thanks, mum,” he said, holding his mug more securely now. He filled it with coffee, trying not to look like he was rushing, then dressed it with milk and sugar. He took a seat at the table and picked up the letter, opening it eagerly, but not too eagerly.

 

            _“Remus,_

_I’m glad you liked the chocolates! I always thought Honeydukes was your favorite part of Hogsmeade –”_

 

  “Remus?”

 

 Remus almost dropped the letter into his coffee, looking around in surprise. Sirius wasn’t here, so why could he hear his voice?

 

 His mother leaned back in her chair to peer into the living room. “Dear, I believe you have a Floo caller,” she said, looking over at him.

 

 Remus stood up, hoping he wasn’t blushing, and made his way around the table and into the living room. Sirius's head was floating in the fireplace, his expression concerned despite the distortion of the flames.

 

   “What’s up?” Remus asked, kneeling down in front of the fire.

 

   “I left my parent’s house,” Sirius said quickly, “I’m at James’s house for the rest of the summer. I had to tell you not to send an owl back to their house.”

 

   “What happened?” Remus asked him, leaning in.

 

   “They found your last letter,” Sirius said, and Remus felt his face blanching.

 

   “They kicked you out?” Remus asked in a hushed voice.

 

   “No, I left. I had to tell James, I’m sorry.”

 

   “I don’t mind,” Remus said, “it’s fine. Are you alright?”

 

 Sirius hesitated. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said.

 

   “You’re lying,” Remus said. “I’m going to ask if I can visit for today, hang on.”

 

   “I – okay.”

 

 Remus gave him a nod, then rose and moved back into the kitchen. “Mum? Dad?”

 

   “What is it?” his mother asked, looking up from her crossword.

 

   “Would it be okay if I went to James’s house for the day?” he asked. “I can come back before your meeting tonight, Dad,” he added quickly before his father could even mention it.

 

   “I think it would be fine,” his mother said, looking over at his dad.

 

 His dad shrugged. “I suppose it would be alright. You just have to make sure that you’re back by five so you can stay with your mother before I leave.”

 

   “Of course,” Remus said quickly. He started back towards the living room and the fire.

 

   “Wait, Remus!”

 

 He stopped, looking back at his mum. “Yes?”

 

   “Are you going to go without breakfast? And in your pajamas?” she said.

 

 Remus looked down at his shirt and loose pants and flushed. “Right. I’ll just tell them that I’ll be there soon.”

 

 His mother gave a nod and turned back to her crossword. Remus hurried back to the fireplace and knelt down.

 

   “Mrs. Potter said she wouldn’t mind if you came,” Sirius said.

 

   “My parents said I could go, too, but I have to be back by five; my dad has a meeting and I have to stay with my mother.”

 

   “That’s fine,” Sirius said. “When are you coming?”

 

   “Maybe fifteen minutes?” Remus told him. “I’ve got to eat and get dressed.”

 

 Sirius nodded, but Remus could tell that he was still anxious. “Don’t rush and choke, okay, Moons?”

 

   “I won’t, don’t worry,” Remus said, smiling at him. “I’ll be there in a bit.”

 

   “Alright. See you soon.”

 

   “Bye, Sirius.”

 

   “Bye, Remus.”

 

 His face vanished from the flames. Remus stood up slowly. Then he ran into the kitchen, almost knocked his father over, and up the stairs, shouting an apology over his shoulder. He dressed quickly, then hurried back downstairs to get breakfast so he could leave.

 

   “Stop rushing, you’ll gag!” Remus’s mum chided him as he shoveled eggs into his mouth. Remus swallowed, then muttered another apology and ate more slowly. He drank the last of his coffee and pushed back his chair; he washed his dishes and set them in the drying rack, then walked back towards the living room.

 

   “Bye, mum,” Remus said, dropping a kiss onto the top of her head.

 

   “Don’t forget your vitamins!” his mother said. Remus turned back and she dropped a few pills into his hand; he stole her orange juice to take the pills.

 

   “I’ll see you later,” Remus said to them as he started back to the living room.

 

   “Bye, son!” his father called.

 

   “Love you!” his mother added.

 

   “Love you too,” he answered. He took the Floo powder from the mantle and tossed a pinch into the fire; it roared and turned green. “Potter House!” he called, and stepped into the fire.

 

He stepped out into a large sitting room, then promptly fell onto a brown and red paisley carpet.

 

   “Will any of you ever exit the Floo gracefully?” he heard Mrs. Potter say.

 

   “Sorry, Mrs. Potter,” Remus said, pushing himself up and brushing away soot.

 

   “James and Sirius are upstairs, in James’s room,” said Mrs. Potter, stepping forward and giving him a quick hug. “Sirius seems to be very antsy about seeing you,” she added, with a knowing look. He nodded, not really caring that she probably knew about them as well.

 

   “Thanks,” he said, going towards and then up the stairs. He found James’s room rather easily and opened the door.

 

 James looked up, and a Golden Snitch struck him in the temple.

 

   “Fuck! Get off!” James flapped his hands at the Snitch, sending it reeling towards the other side of the room. “Sirius, your boyfriend is here,” James then called.   
  
   “Hang on!” Sirius called from a closed door. Remus heard a toilet flushing and raised a hand to his forehead; the door opened and Sirius stepped out.

 

   “Hey,” Sirius said, a smile growing on his face.

 

   “Did you wash your hands?” Remus asked.

 

 Sirius scowled as James cackled with laughter. He turned back, grumbling.

 

   “At least you’re not awkward,” James said. “Sirius has been pacing up and down the room ever since he called you.”

 

 Sirius exited the bathroom again and strode forward. He held out his hands, and said: “Are they clean enough for you?” he asked.

 

 Remus hugged him. “I don’t care,” he said. Sirius huffed, but hugged him back tightly.

 

   “Let me know when I can look again,” James called.

 

 The two of them broke apart. Remus flushed, but Sirius rolled his eyes. “Shut up, James,” he said.

 

 James parted two fingers, peeking out at them. “Oh, you’re not snogging.”

 

 Remus turned an even darker shade of red. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. “Would you like us to?” he asked.

 

 James shrugged. “Not really, but the urge hits you, feel free.”  


 Sirius rolled his eyes again, and Remus flushed even more. He looked back at Remus, then put his arms around him again, in an even tighter hug. Remus touched a hand to his hair, stroking it gently. From what Sirius had said over the Floo, Remus could tell that he was hurt deeply by his parents’ words and actions. Remus couldn’t blame him. It was one of Remus's worst fears as well.

 

   “Are you guys just gonna stand there and eye-fuck each other, or are we going to do something?” James asked.

 

   “We’re not just going to stand here,” Sirius said, letting go of Remus again. “We’re going to sit down and resume our hug.”

 

 James rolled his eyes. “You’ve been together, what, a month? And you’re already in the constant contact stage.”

 

   “Hey, if you managed to convince Evans to go out with you for a month, would you rather stand on the other side of the room and make awkward eye contact?” Sirius asked.

 

 James cocked his head. “Touché, Sirius.”

 

 Sirius pulled Remus onto a sofa, and Remus curled up with his head on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius buried his face in Remus’s hair, his arms holding him to his chest. Remus listened to his breathing, which had been shallow and uneven, as it began to deepen and calm.

 

  “I’m actually going to leave you be,” James said a minute later, and his voice was a little more empty than it had been a moment before. “I’ll be back in a bit, so if you want to be alone, you should probably go to Sirius’s room.”

 

   “Thanks, Prongs,” Sirius said. James gave him a nod before he left the room.

 

 Remus watched the door shut, then turned to face Sirius. He had no chance to say anything, as Sirius was pressing his lips against Remus’s the moment he turned around. They kissed for a moment, then Sirius pulled back, leaning his forehead against Remus’s.

 

   “I’m glad you’re here,” he murmured.

 

 Remus squeezed his hand. “I’ll always be here.” ****


	15. fifteen

_February 18 th, 1981, 9:56p.m., their flat_

_Sirius_

 

   “Well, why don’t you just leave then!?” Sirius screamed.

 

 Silence. Sirius inhaled a shocked and shaky breath, already regretting his words as Remus's face began to pale. “I – I didn’t mean that,” Sirius murmured, but Remus was turning away from him already. He started towards their bedroom, and after a second’s hesitation Sirius went after him. “Remus!” he called, but Remus slammed the door to their room behind him. “I’m sorry!” he called. Remus didn’t answer him; Sirius tried to open the door but it was locked. He knocked, then heard a drawer being shut. His blood chilled. “Remus?” he asked. “Remus, what are you doing?”

 

 The door opened suddenly, knocking Sirius back and almost off his feet. Remus strode past him, wearing a coat and carrying a bag. His heart skipped a beat and Sirius ran after him; “Where are you – Remus, stop, no, I didn’t mean it! Stop!” Remus ignored him, Sirius snatched at his bag but Remus pulled it close to him, his gaze firmly fixed on the door. Sirius ran around him, blocking the door. “Remus, please, say something!”

 

 Remus finally met his eye. “What do you want me to say?” he demanded in a harsh, enraged voice.

 

 Sirius didn’t answer him, he couldn’t. Remus pushed past him, and Sirius grabbed his arm, pulling him back. “Remus, please?”

 

 Remus looked him in the eye and broke his heart. “I’m leaving. I’m not coming back, Sirius.”

 

 Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders, physically holding him in place. “Please, Remus, think about this, we can talk – we can work this out –”

 

   “No, Sirius!” Remus said, tearing himself away. “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t fight with you over everything, I can’t… I can’t.”

 

 Sirius grabbed his hands, trying to pull him back to him; Remus pulled back, and he fell to his knees. “Remus, please, don’t –”

 

   “I can’t,” Remus breathed. He tugged his hands away and yanked open the door. Sirius stumbled to his feet, chasing after him.

 

   “Remus, please! Come back, I need you!”

 

   “No, you don’t! You never needed me!” Remus spat, half running down the hallway.

 

   “Remus, please, I love you; don’t leave!”

 

   “You haven’t loved me in months!”

 

 The words hit Sirius so hard that he froze in his tracks. Remus opened the stairwell door and vanished from his sight. Sirius inhaled. And exhaled. Then he took off running again, chasing after his lover, but when he reached the stairwell, Remus had already Disapparated. Sirius fell back against the wall, sliding down it until he reached the floor. He stared at empty space, his heart racing and his mind going numb…

 

_February 18 th, 1982, 4:28a.m., a cell in Azkaban_

 

 Sirius woke with a jerk, heaving for breath and his heart thudding loudly in his ear. The Dementor in his cell seemed to dislike his sudden wakefulness, and released its grip on his ratty prison shirt. It drifted away, its rattling breath chilling his blood even further. The iron-barred door slammed, and he was alone again.

 

 Sirius pulled his legs up to his chest, sobs wracking his frail body and tears stinging his face.

 

   _“I’m not coming back, Sirius…”_

   “Remus, please,” mumbled Sirius, and he didn’t know who or what he was speaking to at that point. “Please, don’t leave me…”

 

   _“You haven’t loved me in months!”_

 

   “I need you…”

 

   _“You bastard! YOU KILLED THEM!”_  
  


   “I’m so sorry…”

 

   _“YOU DESERVE THIS, YOU DESERVE TO ROT WITH THE DEMENTORS!”_

 “You said you’d always be there,” Sirius whispered. “You said you’d always be there for me…”

 

   _“You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve the love of anyone. Not even your own parents could bring themselves to love you. How could you expect me to love you, after what you’ve done?”_

   “It wasn’t me, Remus,” murmured Sirius, but at that point, he didn’t know if the words were audible or not. “I told James to pick Peter! I thought they would be safer! I thought that picking me would be too obvious… It’s my fault…”

 

   _“You deserve this pain. You deserve this, Sirius. This **is** your fault.”_

 Sirius couldn’t reply anymore, he broke down in sobs anew, his hands covering his ears as he cried and tried to block out a voice that he couldn’t tell whether it was real or not.

 

_February 18 th, 1982, 4:31a.m., a cheap motel room_

_Remus_

 

The digital clock’s light was the only light in the room. Remus stared up at the ceiling, unable to bring himself to sleep. His thoughts dwelled on someone he had long ago wanted to forget. It had only been four months, since James and Lily died, but already Sirius had become dead to him.

 

 Or at least Remus wanted him to be.

 

 He had nightmares almost every night now. They weren’t the tame dreams he’d had in school, where he killed his whole family and all his friends, no, these were truly nightmares, because they were of a monster worse than him. He wasn’t there when Sirius murdered Peter, but he could imagine what had happened. He imagined that Peter was shocked. He imagined that Sirius was well and truly mad as he cast that curse, destroying a street full of people. Murdered thirteen people.

 

 He could imagine what Sirius thought when James made him Secret Keeper. He could imagine him reporting to the Dark Lord, evil brewing in a heart that had once been good, and hatred growing where once love had been born. He thought of James’s son, who was living with Lily’s foul and bitter older sister because his only legal guardian was a murderer and the Ministry wouldn’t let Remus take him. He thought of Sirius, sitting in Azkaban and surrounded by Dementors, and likely reliving his childhood, remembering that his parents hated him, and he wondered if the day Remus left him was something that the Dementors caused Sirius to think of. He didn’t think so.

 

 Remus turned over on the bed, staring at the empty other side, and part of him wished that it was filled. The other part of him wished that he were dead.


	16. sixteen

_June 15 th, 1980, 3:17a.m., their flat in Bristol_

_Remus Lupin_

 

Remus held Sirius tightly to his side even though they had already Apparated. They had just returned home from a party for Lily and James’s anniversary, and Sirius was quite drunk, enough so that Remus feared that if he let go of him, the poor man would walk directly into a wall, then turn around and trip over his own feet, all the while singing off-key to the Weird Sisters song _Dance Like a Hippogriff_.

 

   “… ma mama ma mamamaaaaa!” Sirius sang.

 

   “Hold still,” Remus scolded him, but instead of listening to him, Sirius leaned in and pressed a finger to his lips.

 

   “Shhhhussssshhh,” Sirius said.

 

   “What?” Remus asked, and Sirius tapped his lips with his finger.

 

   “From now on,” Sirius murmured, his breath tickling Remus's neck and face, and it would have been slightly sexy if it didn’t smell of a strange mix of champagne and anchovies, “we shall speak only in Weird Sisters lyrics.”

 

   “No,” Remus said around Sirius’s finger.

 

 Sirius gasped in offense and leaned away; too far, he toppled over backwards. Fortunately, there was a sofa there to catch him.

 

 Remus laughed at Sirius’s shocked face. “Are you alright?” he asked his lover, already holding out a hand to help him back up.

 

   “You let me fall on purpose!” Sirius insisted.

 

   “No, Padfoot, you’re just drunk,” Remus assured him. Sirius huffed, then took Remus’s hand, but instead of lifting himself off the couch, he tugged suddenly, jerking Remus down and on top of him. Sirius gave a grunt as he landed, then lifted his knees up around the sides of Remus’s hips.

 

   “Hi, Moony,” Sirius giggled.

 

   “Bastard,” Remus said.

 

 Sirius rolled his eyes, then pressed his hands to his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Remus almost gagged at the taste; Sirius had only eaten the one anchovy, how had it made such a lasting impression? “You need to brush your teeth,” he said.

 

 Sirius scowled, then pressed his palms in, squishing Remus’s cheeks together. “Y’know what we should do, Moony?” he said.

 

   “Brush our teeth?”

 

   “We should have sex,” Sirius said, still squishing Remus’s face.

 

   “Your breath reeks,” Remus told him, his voice altered by Sirius’s hands squashing his face. “You have to brush your teeth.”

 

   “If I brush my teeth, will you have sex with me?” Sirius asked brightly.

 

   “If you don’t brush your teeth, I won’t be going near you for a month,” Remus threatened in a nasally voice, which dampened the effect slightly.

 

   “Fiiiine,” Sirius sighed, finally releasing Remus’s face. Remus pushed himself up and onto his knees.

 

   “Go brush your teeth,” Remus told him.

 

   “I will,” Sirius shot back. “But only because you’re going to have sex with me.”  


   “Maybe,” Remus told him. Sirius grinned and practically floated to their bathroom.

 

 Remus heaved a sigh and rose from the couch, following him. He entered their room, then changed out of his dress robes into a fresh pair of boxers and an old Quidditch jersey that had been Sirius’s. He heard Sirius spitting and crossed to the bathroom to brush his own teeth. Sirius looked over at him and grinned, then rinsed his mouth. Remus grabbed his toothbrush and squirted toothpaste onto it, before shoving it in his mouth and starting to scrub.

 

   “Is my breath minty fresh?” Sirius asked, then exhaled in Remus’s face.

 

   “Very,” Remus mumbled around the toothbrush. Sirius smirked and dropped a kiss onto his cheek, then left the bathroom. Remus brushed his teeth for a moment longer, then spat out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth. He gargled some water, spat again, and put away his toothbrush. He turned the light off as he left the bathroom, and looked up to see Sirius waiting for him on their bed.

 

   “Remus,” Sirius said, smirking as he stretched out his legs. He was completely naked.

 

   “What are you doing?” Remus asked.

 

   “You said if I brushed my teeth, we could have sex!”

 

   “I said maybe,” Remus corrected, crossing to the bed.

 

 Sirius threw back his head in a groan. “C’mon, Moony, please?”

 

 Remus threw back the duvet and slipped between the sheets. Sirius grinned and dove under them as well, however Remus merely lifted his wand from his nightstand and gave it a wave, turning off all the lights in the flat.

 

   “Y’know, I usually prefer to make love to you in the light.”

 

   “Go to sleep, Sirius,” Remus told him, slipping down and laying back against his pillow, closing his eyes. He heard Sirius sigh and felt him slide down to lay beside him, then he draped an arm over Remus's waist. Feeling perfectly content to spoon, Remus let Sirius pull him in closer and nuzzle the back of his neck. Sirius pressed a kiss to his shoulder, then the nape of his neck. The arm over his waist pressed to his stomach, then fingers brushed the waistband of his boxers. Remus opened one eye and leaned back to look at him.

 

   “What are you doing,” he said.

 

   “Nothing,” Sirius said, kissing his Adam’s apple, then dragged his lips over his neck to his ear. “I’m jus’ cuddling you.”

 

   “I know what you’re doing,” Remus accused, though his breathing had gotten a bit shallower.

 

   “What am I doing?” Sirius asked, his lips wrapping around the lobe of his ear. Remus’s eye shut again as a shiver went down his spine.

 

   “Trying to seduce me,” he mumbled, half not caring any longer.

 

   “Yes. I wanna fuck you, Remus. I wanna feel you get hard, I wanna hear you moan. Have sex with me.”

 

   “What if I don’t?” Remus murmured, though it was a completely empty threat. “What’ll you do?”

 

   “I dunno,” Sirius sighed. “Marry you.”  


 Remus’s eyes flew open as Sirius began sucking a hickey into his neck. “Wh–what?”

 

   “What?”

 

   “What d–did you just say?”

 

   “I’ll marry you?” Sirius suggested, now trailing open-mouthed kisses down his neck.

 

   “Sirius – you – I –”

 

   “Answer later,” Sirius murmured. “Wanna fuck you right now.”

 

   “Answer – answer later!” Remus spluttered, but Sirius caught his lips in a kiss and a hand drifted closer to the front of his boxers. “Sirius,” Remus mumbled against his lips, and Sirius lifted them.

 

   “What?” he asked, his tone incredulously exasperated.

 

   “You just asked me to marry you!” Remus burst out. “This is not something that I can just ignore!”

 

   “Yeah, but I have a whole thing planned,” Sirius said dismissively. “And I don’t have the ring right now either, so jus’ forget it for now ‘n’ have sex with me.”  


 Remus gaped at him, mouthing incoherently. Sirius kissed his mouth again, his tongue pushing inside his mouth, then bit at his lower lip. Remus didn’t have the strength of will to break the kiss, and when Sirius began to kiss along his jaw again, it took him a moment to realize he had the power of speech. “You actually want to marry me?”

 

   “Duh.”

 

 Remus hit his shoulder. “This is not the time for ‘duh!’”

 

 Then Sirius rolled his eyes. He actually rolled his eyes. “Remus, I’ve been in love with you since fuckin’ third year; ‘course I wanna marry you. Who else would I wanna marry?”

 

   “I – well, you –…”

 

 Sirius sighed. “Jus’ shut up ‘n’ let me make love to you, I’m probably goin’ to remember less than ‘alf of this conversation in the morning.”

 

 Remus felt himself deflate with the reminder of Sirius's extreme inebriation. “No, no you probably won’t…”

 

 Sirius kissed him again, but slower this time, and when he pulled back, he didn’t immediately begin to kiss his neck. “Remus, I’m not jus’ saying I wanna marry you because I’m drunk, I promise.”

 

   “But you are drunk…”

 

   “Remus, I have a plan,” Sirius whined, “don’t make me implement it early!”  


   “You have a plan?” Remus asked, disbelievingly.

 

 Sirius puffed out his chest. “Of course I have a plan, do you really think I was jus’ going to whip out the ring ‘n’ drop to my knee outta nowhere?”

 

   “Well, what is your grand plan, then?”

 

 Sirius raised an eyebrow. “If I tell you, then I won’t be able to use it.”

 

 Remus gave a shrug. “I guess…”

 

 Sirius sighed and pressed his forehead to Remus's, then pecked his lips. “Stay here,” he mumbled. He slid out of the bed, then stumbled past it; Remus heard a thud and he swore.

 

   “You okay?” called Remus, sitting up a little in the bed.

 

  “’m fine, just hit my leg on this damn trunk.”

 

 He heard rummaging, then a garbled incantation and footsteps, and the mattress depressed as Sirius sank back onto it. There was a soft _click_ and Sirius’s nightstand lamp turned on; Sirius dropped the chain and held out a bowl in his hands.

 

   “A bowl?” Remus said.

 

 Sirius pointed into it. “Popcorn,” he said. “Dig to the bottom.”  


 Remus obeyed and groped around for a moment until something cold and distinctly not-popcorn-like brushed his fingers. He grabbed it and pulled it out.

 

 It was a ring.

 

   “I was gonna take you to a movie, and put the ring down at the bottom of the bag, since you always eat the entire bag.”

 

 Remus stared down at it.

 

 Sirius looked at him, then waved a hand in front of his face. “Remus?” He set the bowl on his nightstand and plucked the ring from Remus’s hand.

 

  “Hey!” Remus protested. “That’s mine!”  


 Sirius stopped. “Wait, are you saying yes?”

 

 Remus felt a corner of his mouth twitch. “Duh,” he murmured.

 

 Sirius blinked twice, then grinned at him and grabbed him in an intense kiss; he felt him fumble with his left hand, then the thin, cold band was slipped onto his finger.

 

 Remus let him fuck him, and the knowledge that Sirius wanted to _marry_ him made the orgasm better than ever.

 

 It was almost dawn when they settled in for the night, Remus tucked close to Sirius’s chest and his fingers playing absently with his ring.

 

   “Where are we even going to get married?” Remus murmured. “It’s not legal here yet, Muggle or Wizard.”  


   “’s legal in Wizarding France,” Sirius mumbled. “ _Tu parles François_?”

 

   “Nope,” Remus replied.

 

   “ _Ça va_ ,” Sirius answered. “ _Je t’aime._ ”

 

   “I love you?” Remus guessed.

 

   “ _Oui_ ,” Sirius murmured.

 

   “Oh. _Je t’aime_ you too.”

 

   “ _Je t’aime aussi._ ”

 

   “ _Je t’aime aussi._ ”

 

 Sirius pressed a kiss to his shoulder, then soon after, Remus heard his breathing even. Remus looked down at the ring on his hand and smiled lightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Look! It's a fluffy proposal! Way better than last week with that extremely feels-grabbing piece. Leave a review if you enjoyed this, tell me if your heart feels a bit better now. Have a lovely day, all._


	17. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hi, so, US readers, today is a sad day. So have some extremely gay boys to lighten your spirits, in honor of the queer dance party that took place outside Mike Pence's house and the orange orangutan taking over our country. Good luck everyone, stay strong._

_September 1 st, 1976, 11:04a.m., the Hogwarts Express_

_Sirius Black_

 

The train was gaining speed by the second, and they were still trying to get to their compartment. James kept running into Sirius’s trunk, and he had sworn in front of frightened looking first years four times already.

 

   “Sirius, mate, I know you’re anxious, but could you stop fucking stopping in the middle of the damn corridor?!” James finally cried. A door opened. “Oh, hi Evans,” he added in a higher voice.

 

   “Evans, did you see Remus pass by?” Sirius asked before she could scold James for swearing.

 

 Evans blinked. “Erm, yes, I did. But –”

 

 Sirius strode past her, and James darted after him, leaving her shouting after James to watch his language.

 

   “I will, Evans, don’t worry!” James called over his shoulder.

 

Finally, Sirius skidded to a halt outside their compartment; he shoved the door open and shouldered his way inside and saw –

 

   “Peter,” James said with a sigh. “Have you seen Moony? Only Sirius is about to shit his pants if he doesn’t show up soon.”  


   “I haven’t seen him yet,” Peter said. “Hello to you too.”

 

   “Yeah, hey, mate,” Sirius said distractedly. “How was your summer?”

 

   “Alright,” Peter shrugged. “Didn’t do much. Yours?”

 

   “Sirius destroyed his parents’ wands and moved in with me,” James said.

 

 Peter’s eyes got really wide really quickly. “What happened?”

 

   “Remus did,” James sighed. “Sirius, will you please kindly move your ass inside the compartment so I can put my trunk up in the luggage rack? I’m sick of lugging it.”

 

   “Oh, sorry,” Sirius said, moving the rest of the way into the compartment. He helped James with his trunk, then James did the same for him. James flopped onto Peter’s bench and leaned against the window.

 

   “What did Remus do?” Peter asked.

 

 Sirius didn’t sit down just yet; he moved over to the door and stuck his head outside, but he couldn’t see Remus yet.

 

   “You’ll find out once he gets here,” James said.

 

 Sirius turned away, the train gave a sudden lurch and Sirius fell forwards onto a bench. He pushed his hair out of his face and huffed. “He’s late,” he muttered.

 

   “It’s only ten past 11, honestly.” Sirius jumped to his feet and grinned at Remus, who rolled his eyes at him. “Help me with my trunk?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

 

   “’Course,” Sirius said, moving forward quickly to help Remus lift his trunk into the luggage racks. Sirius shut the compartment door, then pulled down the blinds.

 

   “Fucking finally, Moony,” Sirius said, grabbing Remus in a hug and pressing an impatient kiss to his lips.

 

 Remus let out a surprised _“oomph”_ and Peter said: “OH, that’s what Remus did.”

 

 Sirius released him, then pulled them both onto the bench, Remus in his lap and his arms around his waist trapping him in place. Remus’s face was the color of a tomato, but Sirius didn’t really care. He buried his face in Remus’s neck, inhaling deeply as he wanted to memorize what Remus precisely smelled like: Cheap shampoo and ink. A smile curled his lip; it was a scent that was distinctly Remus to begin with.

 

   “So, did this happen before or after term ended?” Peter asked innocuously.

 

   “The day OWL’s ended,” Sirius answered, pulling his head from the crook of Remus’s shoulder.

 

 Peter, for some reason, turned and grinned triumphantly at James, who rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re full of shit, y’know that, Wormtail,” he said, digging around in his pocket. He withdrew a bunch of coins, counted some out, then dropped them in Peter’s outstretched hand.

 

   “Really?” Remus said. “You bet on us?”

 

   “It’s nothing personal, Moony, it’s just business,” Peter assured him, gleefully shoving his winnings in his pocket.

 

 Sirius looked at Remus, who raised his brows and rolled his eyes. He shrugged.

 

   “I bet you got together after summer started,” James said, “because of how horribly fucking awkward Sirius was when he got to my house.”

 

  “I like to think he was just nervous,” Remus said.

 

   “Of what?” James snorted. “A cardigan wearing dweeb who drinks decaf coffee and reads _the Chronicles of Narnia_ every night?”

 

   “Hey, don’t insult my cardigan wearing dweeb,” Sirius said.

 

 Remus covered his eyes with a hand.

 

   “What?” Sirius asked.

 

 Remus just shook his head slowly.


	18. eighteen

_December 11 th, 1996, 11:43p.m., a boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower_

_Remus_

Remus dropped his head onto Sirius’s shoulder and yawned. Sirius leaned his head onto Remus’s, muttering something about absolute exhaustion; Remus couldn’t quite hear it, he was so exhausted.

 

   “What?” he asked Sirius, his eyes falling shut.

 

   “We should just fall asleep here,” Sirius said, then yawned himself. “Fuck homework.”

 

 Remus _hmm_ ed and snuggled closer to Sirius’s side. “Okay,” he whispered. “You can fuck your homework.”

 

   “NO DOING IT IN THE DORM ROOM IT’S NOT FAIR!” James shouted from somewhere across the room. They ignored him.

 

 Sirius pulled his arm out from between them and wrapped it around Remus, the book in his lap being tossed aside carelessly. “I like this,” he murmured.

 

   “What?”

 

   “This. Cuddling, I guess. Just – getting to hold you.”  


 Remus felt himself blushing. “I like it when you hold me,” he mumbled, his face getting even warmer as the words left his mouth.

 

   “I wish we could do it more often.”

 

   “Me too,” Remus agreed.

 

 Sirius took his hand, and his thumb started to rub over his knuckles. “Why don’t we?”

 

   “I don’t know,” Remus murmured. “We’re never alone.”

 

   “Why don’t we do it anyway?”  


   “WHAT DID I JUST SAY?” James called.

 

   “Oh, shut up, we’re not talking about sex!” Sirius shouted back.

 

   “Oh, never mind then, carry on.”

 

   “What were we saying?” Remus asked. He felt very sleepy and Sirius smelled so very nice…

 

 Sirius gave his hand a small squeeze. “Why don’t we, y’know, cuddle more often.”

 

   “Oh. Because we’re never alone.”

 

   “Yeah, we said that.”  


   “Oh.” Remus could think of nothing more to say, so he said just that. They were quiet a moment before Sirius spoke again.

 

   “But what if… what if we cuddled anyway?”

 

   “Even when we weren’t alone?”

 

   “Yeah. What if we held hands and kissed and did, y’know, couple stuff even when there’s people around?”  


 Remus opened his eyes and stared down at his hand clasped in Sirius’s for a while before he could answer. “We don’t because we’re… we’re closeted. And there are so few people in the school who wouldn’t care and too many who would.”   


   “My parents already hate me, there’s nothing worse they can do to me now.”

 

   “Sirius, I hate to say it, but what happened with your parents, it was fairly easy to escape, wasn’t it?”

 

 Sirius was quiet. Remus looked up at him and saw his gaze focused on their clasped hands as well.

 

   “I mean, you had someplace to go right away to escape from that,” Remus went on. “You went to James, and you were safe again. At school, it would be different… I mean, a Hufflepuff got put in the Hospital Wing a few months ago because some Slytherins heard he was queer, what do you think would happen if we actually came out?”

 

   “There wouldn’t be a safe place to escape to, except here,” mumbled Sirius.

 

 Remus nodded. They were both quiet again, both of them thinking over different things, until Remus spoke again. “I want to hold our hand when we walk down the corridor too, Sirius. I want to cuddle you in the common room and lean on you during lessons.”

 

   “But we can’t.”

 

   “No.”

 

 Sirius gave a heavy sigh. “Maybe one day, Moony.”

 

 Remus gave another nod, then he slipped his hands out of Sirius’s and pressed it to his cheek. Sirius covered it with his own hand, looking up at him with a soft smile. “One day, Padfoot.” Remus pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, then pulled back, breathing him in. _One day._


	19. nineteen

_February 24 th, 1973, 4:02a.m., a boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor tower_

_Sirius Black_

 

Sirius hadn’t realized that the soft whimpering sound wasn’t part of his dream until he rolled over in bed. He pulled the blankets about him tighter, wanting to go back to sleep, except the sound hadn’t stopped. He opened his eyes, looking around blearily, wondering what he was hearing. It sounded less like whimpering then and more like sniffling, like someone was crying.

 

 Sirius pushed back his curtains and got of bed before he even realized what he was doing. He quickly identified that the noise was coming from Remus’s bed; there was a faint light escaping the curtains and he could see Remus’s silhouette, sitting up in bed. He knocked against the bed frame before pulling back the curtains. Remus looked up, startled, then his face showed guilt.

 

   “Sorry I woke you,” he muttered, switching off the light and effectively hiding his ruddy face.

 

 Sirius picked up the glass rabbit and switched it back on. “I don’t mind,” he said. “Move over.”

 

 Remus frowned at him. “Erm, okay,” he murmured, obeying. Sirius joined him on the bed and threw an arm over the younger boy, hugging him gently from the side.

 

   “Nightmare?”

 

   “Yeah.”

 

 Sirius nodded. “The same one?”

 

 Remus bobbed his head up and down. “I, erm… bit my mum… turned her.”

 

 Sirius squeezed his shoulders before letting go. “I’m sorry.”

 

   “S’not your fault,” Remus mumbled. “Don’t be sorry.”

 

   “But I am,” Sirius said. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not fair.”

 

 Remus gave a short laugh and shrugged. “I learned a long time ago that life’s not fair.”

 

 Sirius looked at him, then made up his mind. “Remus, I swear that I’m going to do my damndest to make sure your life’s fair.”

 

 Remus smiled. “I’ll do my best to make sure your life is fair, too, Sirius.”

 

   “My life’s pretty fair,” Sirius said with a shrug. “But thanks.”

 

 Remus shook his head. “Don’t think I never noticed,” he mumbled, sniffing again. “Your brother gets letters. You don’t.”

 

 Sirius’s gaze dropped. “Hey, we’re throwing your pity party here, not mine,” he joked uncomfortably.

 

 Remus patted his hand. “I know when you lie,” he said softly.

 

 Sirius gave a shrug. “Who gives a damn about letters,” he said. “You deserve twice the fairness that I do, anyway.”

 

   “Why, because I’ve got a life-destroying disease and you’ve just got cold parents?”

 

   “Yep. Hey, I swear to make sure your disease doesn’t destroy your life, Moony.”

 

 Remus gave a laugh. “Moony?” he murmured. “That’s a funny name.”

 

   “Goes with your whole Werewolf McWerewolf the Werewolf,” Sirius chuckled.

 

   “Y’know, ‘Mc’ is an Irish family thing, I’m Welsh.”

 

   “Who gives a damn.”

 

   “I think the Welsh,” Remus murmured, yawning. “Maybe the Irish?”

 

   “Well, I’m French, I don’t care about anyone.”

 

   “I thought you were Korean or Vietnamese or something like that?”

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Little bit of that too; Vietnamese, I mean. But mostly French. I didn’t learn English until I was like, seven, y’know. Nannies and the lot all spoke French.”

 

   “What did you learn English for then?”

 

   “Because my parents spoke English most of the time and I needed to know what they were saying to me.”

 

 Remus didn’t laugh. Instead, he gave a nod and patted Sirius’s hand again. “Sorry,” Remus murmured.

 

 Sirius glanced at him. “Don’t forget that this is still your pity party,” he reminded him.

 

 Remus chuckled. “You clearly won’t let me,” he said, yawning again.

 

   “Nope,” Sirius said. He looked back at his friend, seeing that Remus’s eyes had shut and he was leaning back against the pillows. “Feel better?” he asked softly.

 

 Remus nodded. “Thanks, Sirius,” he whispered.

 

 Sirius slipped off the bed. “Anytime,” he murmured.


	20. twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _guess who's super sorry that it's been more than a week since the last update? hint, it's also the person who just started a new semester at college and is attempting to not fall into an existential crisis. it me. i'm v sorry, guys, like i said, i just started a new semester and Rene de Cartes is haunting me. plz enjoy this, I'll be back in a few days with the next update._

_ October 7th, 1995, 8:53p.m., the DADA professor’s quarters _

_Remus_

 

Harry and his friends left just before nine, leaving Remus and Sirius listening to the recap of the Harpies vs. Wasps match that had just ended. Sirius leaned on the counter and smiled up at Remus.

 

 Remus raised an eyebrow. “What?”

 

   “Nothing,” Sirius said with a shrug, continuing to smile dopily. “You’re just extremely attractive.”

 

 Remus flushed and he looked away, down to his feet. He felt Sirius come up behind him and hug him from the back, his forehead coming to rest on his shoulder.

 

   “What are you doing?” Remus asked with a laugh.

 

   “Vertically spooning you.”

 

   “I’m not quite certain that that’s a thing, Sirius.”

 

   “It is now.”

 

 Remus sighed and rotated himself in Sirius’s arms. He draped his own arms over his shoulders and raised his eyebrows.

 

   “What?” Sirius said.

 

   “Are you going to kiss me or not?” he asked.

 

 Sirius rolled his eyes. “Maybe I won’t. What are you gonna do about that, then?”

 

 Remus smiled, then pressed a quick kiss to his lover’s mouth. “Marry you,” he said. Sirius laughed his deep bark-like laugh, and kissed him again, properly.

 

 He pulled back, and whispered: “That’s my line.”

 

 Remus smirked at him. “No, your line is ‘marry _me_ ’.”

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Same difference.”

 

  “No, it isn’t!” Remus said with a laugh.

 

 Sirius drew his wand and flicked it at the radio; the match recap switched to Remus’s jazz station. “It is,” Sirius said, “dance with me.”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes, but he let Sirius lead him in a slow waltz even though the song playing was more suit for a foxtrot. They danced until the end of the song, then Sirius took his hands and led him from the lounge into their bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind them.


	21. twenty-one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _hello all, I hope each of you had a lovely *cough* holiday invented by greeting card companies *cough* I mean, Valentine's day regardless of your relationship status. I hope you took time to give yourself a hug and treated yourself to something nice, bc you are your own valentine. and if you haven't read the latest update to For In Dreams, what are you doing, go do that now, otherwise some stuff here might not make sense._   
>  _(yes I still am single isn't it obvious?)_

_October 29 th, 1995, 8:24a.m., their quarters_

_Remus_

Remus had every intention of sleeping in that Sunday, before traveling to Diagon Alley to meet with the Weasleys and the Potters, however, the plan of sleeping in was interrupted, as was his very pleasant dream, by the very irritating and sudden voice of Dora Tonks.

 

   “Sirius? Remus! Oi, the both of you, wake up!”

 

 Remus sat up suddenly, the voice startling him from sleep. Sirius groaned and tugged at his shoulder absently. Remus ignored him and threw the blankets off, getting out of bed.

 

   “Nuu, Remus, come back to bed,” Sirius mumbled.

 

   “Tonks?” Remus called. Sirius sat up.

 

   “I need to talk to you!”

 

 Remus opened their bedroom door and walked into the lounge. Tonks’s head floated in the flames, her expression close to panic.

 

   “Wha’s goin’ on?” Sirius asked as he followed Remus into the lounge. “Tonks, what are you doing?”

 

 Tonks did not even react to the sight of Sirius in naught but his boxers, rather she looked between them with ever increasing anxiety in her eyes. “Can I come through? I need some advice.”

 

   “Go ahead,” Remus said, covering a yawn.

 

 Tonks nodded, then a few moments later she stumbled out of the fire. She grabbed the back of the armchair and inhaled deeply. Remus stepped forward, concerned by her blanched face and wondering if she was going to vomit.

 

   “What’s wrong, Dora?” Sirius asked her. Tonks raised a finger, still concentrating on her breathing.

 

   “Are you going to throw up?” Remus asked.

 

 Tonks inhaled deeply. “Nope. Nope, did that already. Not doing it again.”

 

   “Is it contagious?” Sirius asked, already reaching to pull Remus back from her.

 

 Tonks shook her head quickly, then seemed to regret it. “Pretty sure you can’t catch this.”

 

   “What’s wrong?” Remus asked.

 

 Tonks heaved a heavy sigh then finally straightened up, and she looked at them in the eye. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was not the bright pink it had been when she had left for America three weeks before, rather it was wispy and pale blonde. “I’m pregnant,” she said flatly.

 

 Remus’s jaw dropped. They were quiet a second, then:

 

   “Definitely not contagious then,” Sirius said.

 

   “Sirius!” Remus scolded.

 

 Tonks moved around the chair and dropped down into it. “I just Floo’d from the Ministry; when I got back from America I had to get checked by a Healer to make sure I hadn’t brought over any illnesses and the Healer asked me why I was travelling cross continent through the Floo instead of taking a boat –” Tonks’s voice was rising steadily, her hair quickly becoming just as white as her skin – “and I said because boats take too long,” Tonks inhaled rapidly, then said in an even higher voice, “and the Healer laughed at me and said that the extra time shouldn’t be much of a bother because it’s safer for my baby!”

 

 Remus glanced over at Sirius. Sirius gave a shrug.

 

 Tonks hung her head in her hands. “I just had my period, like right before I left for New York! I was literally one day off my period when we did it, how the hell did I get _pregnant?!_ ”

 

   “Er, who’s we in this situation?” Sirius asked.

 

 Tonks let out a particularly loud groan. “One of the American Aurors, the day after I arrived, I helped in a raid that was extremely successful, then after everyone when out to celebrate, and John and I…”

 

   “Celebrated?” Sirius asked.

 

 Tonks gave a nod. “Worst is, the next raid… one of the Scourers shot John.”

 

 Remus drew in a gasp. “He’s not – he isn’t dead, is he?”

 

 Tonks nodded. “I mean, I was sad about it because, well, he died, but I didn’t know him that well even if we did – you know, but now, the last guy I did it with was too far back to be the dad so it has to be John, who’s fucking dead!”

 

 Tonks fell back in her chair, covering her face with her hand. Remus glanced at Sirius. Sirius, once again, only shrugged.

 

   “I’m going to make you a cup of tea, Tonks,” Remus said. “And get you some chocolate.”

 

   “That would be nice,” Tonks murmured. Remus patted her shoulder and walked over to the kitchen. He busied himself with making tea and pulling some of his good chocolate out of the pantry, then walked back over to the lounge area to pass the mugs out. “Thank you,” Tonks said as she took her mug and the chocolate from Remus.

 

   “You’re welcome,” he said to her. He took a seat with Sirius on the couch, giving him a mug as well. Sirius took it with a smile, then sipped from it. They all drank their tea in silence for a little while, until Tonks had finished the chocolate.

 

   “What if that Healer was wrong?” Sirius asked.

 

 Tonks shook her head. “I made him check again four times, then he got another couple of Healers to check another two more times. I’m pregnant.”

 

 Sirius glanced at Remus, who had nothing for him. He turned back to Tonks, then slipped off the couch, knelt in front of Tonks and reached out a hand, touching her knee. “Do you want to stay with us for a while? Until you’re ready to go home and tell Andromeda and Ted?”

 

 Tonks nodded absently. “That would be nice. I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

 

 Sirius gave her knee a squeeze. “That’s okay, you don’t have to.”

 

 Tonks set down her mug, then slid off her chair and wrapped her arms around Sirius’s neck. He patted her back slowly, while her shoulders began to shake. Remus could do nothing, but sit there and watch them. Eventually, Tonks’s sobs stilled and she pulled away. She rubbed at her cheeks, then fell back against the chair. She looked down at herself and touched her stomach with a shaking hand.

 

   “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.

 

 Sirius touched her shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Dora. We’ll help you, and your parents will help you. You can get desk duty until the baby’s born, then you’ll get two months off for maternity leave. Personally, I was always jealous of women for that excuse.”

 

 Tonks laughed softly. “Except my two months off will be spent not sleeping and trying to get a baby to stop crying…” She trailed off, unsmiling, still staring down at her stomach. “I don’t even know if I want to keep it,” she whispered.

 

   “It’s up to you,” Remus said.

 

 Her hand had begun to rub small circles into her belly, almost as if she wasn’t even aware of it. Tonks slowly shook her head and leaned it back, staring up at the ceiling. “I feel bad now for not feeling as bad when John got shot,” she said. “I mean, I barely knew him, but now…”

 

   “You didn’t know,” Sirius said. “It’s okay, Dora.”

 

 She nodded vaguely. “Do I have to call his mother? Should I tell his family? I don’t even know if he had siblings, I don’t know if his parents are still alive…”

 

   “It’s up to you,” Remus repeated, “but you’ll have people at your back every step of the way.”

 

   “But what do I do?” she said. “I’m not ready to be a mom; I can’t take care of a baby, I can barely do my own laundry! How am I supposed to take care of a helpless infant?”

 

   “Your mum will help you out,” Sirius promised. “She’ll love this baby to death.”

 

   “But what if she doesn’t?” Tonks ask, her hands moving up and gripping at her hair now. “What if she’s so mad at me for getting knocked up that she never speaks to me again and I’m left all alone with a screaming baby?”

 

   “Your mum wouldn’t do that,” Sirius promised. “She’s much too kind, alright? She’ll be beside you for everything.”

 

   “I don’t know how to change a diaper!” Tonks said, her voice rising. “I don’t know how to feed a baby! Which boob does it use? Do I just put my boob in its face and it just knows what to do? How do I put it to sleep? How do I keep it from crying? What if it gets at my wand when I’m not looking and destroys everything in sight? What if –”

   “Dora, Dora, stop freaking out,” Sirius said, “you will be fine. Your mum will teach you how to change diapers and which boob the little one will drink out of. You have nine months to learn how to take care of your baby.”

 

 Tonks nodded slowly, her eyes a little to the left of Sirius’s face. “What do I tell my boss?” she whispered.

 

 Sirius glanced over at Remus and raised his eyebrows. He mouthed something, but Remus wasn’t sure what he was saying, so he got off the couch and moved closer. Sirius looked a little annoyed, then whispered in his ear: “Calming draft.”

 

 Remus nodded and got up. Tonks didn’t notice. He crossed over to the fire and quickly Floo’d to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey looked up from her desk and waved him over.

 

   “What has Mr. Potter done now?” she asked him with a straight face.

 

   “Nothing,” Remus answered, though a smile twitched the corner of his mouth up, “but I need a calming draft.”

 

   “For whom?”

 

   “Nymphadora Tonks.”

 

Madam Pomfrey looked up at him skeptically. “What’s she done?” she asked. “And why is she here?”

 

   “Sirius is her cousin,” Remus explained, “and she’s just discovered that she’s – well, she’s very shocked and uncertain of what to do with herself now.”

 

 Madam Pomfrey sighed and rose from her chair. She crossed to a cabinet and unlocked it with a tap of her wand. She withdrew a tiny bottle, then handed it to Remus. “That’s one dose.”

 

   “Thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said, bowing a little. He started back towards the fire, then paused. “Erm, Madam, calming drafts are perfectly safe for pregnant women to drink, correct? Just out of curiosity.”

 

 Madam Pomfrey didn’t skip a beat as she took her seat again and answered him: “Of course they are. And please tell Ms. Tonks that she’s going to need to start seeing a Healer more regularly now. I know a few to recommend to her.”

 

   “Yes, thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said once again, then Floo’d back to his quarters.

 

 Sirius and Tonks were sitting where he had left them, and Tonks was speaking shrilly again; “ – what if I fall asleep and it crawls out of its bed and gives itself brain damage, what if it gets at my Invisibility cloak and I can’t fucking find the baby?!”

 

   “Dora, you keep your Invisibility cloak at your office,” Sirius reminded her. “The baby wouldn’t get at it.” He spotted Remus and waved him over. “Remus brought you a calming draft, okay? You can take it with your tea and then go and lay down.”

 

 Tonks looked up as Sirius was speaking, spotting Remus, and she exhaled heavily. Remus sat on the floor beside her and poured the calming draft into her tea, then tapped it with his wand to reheat it. He handed it to her, and she took it with shaking hands. The two of them waited until she had drunk all of the tea, then they helped her to her feet.

 

   “You can sleep in here,” Remus said, leading her towards the guest room. “When you wake up, we’ll be in our room, okay?”

 

   “Yeah,” Tonks said, her voice soft. “Just don’t forget silencing charms this time, okay?”

 

 Remus blushed as Sirius shook his head; at least they knew the calming draft was working. Besides, their rooms were already charmed to be sound proof. They got Tonks settled in the guest room, then pulled the door closed, leaving her to herself.

 

 Sirius looked at Remus and raised an eyebrow. Remus exhaled forcefully, then smiled a little.

 

   “Pregnant,” he said. “Not something that happens every day.”

 

 Sirius let out a short laugh. “As long as you don’t act like you did when Lily was pregnant. Dora will not take that as well as Lily did.”

 

   “Lily hexed me once because I offered her a poof,” Remus said. “How can Tonks get any worse than that?”

 Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’m sure that she’ll find a way.”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes and stepped past Sirius. “You talk big game, but we both know that Harry had you wrapped around his finger the minute he looked at you.”

 

   “I’m a giant teddy bear, what do you expect?”

 

 Remus shook his head at him as they went back into their room. “In that case, do what teddy bears do best and spoon me.”

 

   “I’d love to,” Sirius said with a warm smile.


	22. twenty-two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _this chapter corresponds to chapter 37 of For In Dreams. ___

_September 12 th, 1995, 3:04p.m., the Defense classroom_

_Remus_

 

Remus shuffled the stack of quizzes together as the class made their way from their desks to the door. He settled them in his case to take back to his room to grade, and then looked up over the room. “I think they’ve all gone now,” he said to Sirius.

 

 Sirius turned his back on the classroom and leaned against the desk, raising an eyebrow. “Y’know, I think it is extremely sexy that you know the precise difference between a hex and a jinx.”

 

 Remus felt his face flushing and chuckled softly, shaking his head at his lover. “What does my knowledge of the differences between jinxes and hexes have to do with my attractiveness?”

 

   “Probably because I don’t have a clue what the difference between a hex and a jinx is,” Sirius said. “It’s the fact that you know it that’s sexy, Remus.”

 

 Remus laughed again, still shaking his head. “Really, Sirius?” he asked. “Really?”

 

 Sirius gave a shrug. “Okay, everything about you is sexy, I admit it,” he replied.

 

   “Sirius, we’ve just finished class, are you really flirting right now?”

 

   “I flirt with you constantly! It’s part of my charm.”

 

   “You are quite charming,” Remus conceded.

 

 Sirius pushed himself off the desk and took Remus’s hands, gently shifting him so that his back was now to the desk. “I managed to convince you to fall in love with me, didn’t I?” he murmured. Remus gave him a smile and slipped his hands around his waist.

 

   “That you did, Sirius,” he replied in an equally quiet voice. “That you did.”

 

 Sirius smirked triumphantly; he flicked his wand towards the door, locking it, and then leaned in to kiss him. Remus chuckled softly in the back of his throat as Sirius pressed a hand to his cheek; he pushed his tongue inside his mouth and drew himself even closer. Remus felt a hand at his hip beneath his robes, pushing at the hem of his shirt, then Sirius began a trail of kisses down his jaw.

 

   “That feels nice,” Remus murmured, and Sirius chuckled lightly. The hand at his hip slipped beneath his shirt, then began tracing small circles at the small of his back. Remus’s eyes fluttered shut, then open again, remembering suddenly where they were. “Wait, we’re – we’re in the classroom, Padfoot.”

 

   “Class is over,” Sirius murmured, his lips brushing a highly sensitive spot at the nape of his neck, “no one’s coming in here until tomorrow.”

 

   “But…” Remus said, though he didn’t have anything to follow it up with; Sirius's began sucking at his skin, his tongue causing Remus to shiver. “Well…” Sirius nipped at the skin, and Remus let out a soft moan. He half registered Sirius's other hand drifting down his chest to his other hip, then pushing under his shirt to caress the small of his back. Remus brought his own hands up over Sirius's chest, then pushed them up into his hair, loving the feel of the soft locks between his fingers. Sirius dragged his lips over his neck to his jaw, then Remus caught his lips in a kiss. Hands pushed up his side, one cupping his shoulder blade, the other moving around to touch his chest. A thumb brushed over his nipple, and Remus shuddered.

 

  _Click._

 

 Sirius jerked his hands out of Remus’s shirt quickly and Remus looked around the room wildly, whispering: “What was that?”

 

 There was silence. Remus’s heart was doing about eighty miles per hour as he scanned the room, then spotted the shadow of a crouching figure near the door, and Sirius called out to it. “Who’s there?”

 

 A single hand stuck up in the air, and something on it caught the light and glinted. Remus frowned, seeing a band of gold on the ring finger of the hand.

 

   “What? Is that Harry?” Remus muttered, then added in louder voice: “Stand up!”

 

 Their godson rose to his feet, his hand still stuck in the air, his face a very bright pink, and his eyes cast upon the ground. Harry glanced up at them, then quickly back to his feet and dropped his hand.

 

   “Harry?” Sirius said. “What are you doing?”

 

   “Trying to get out quickly and quietly,” Harry mumbled.

 

  Remus gave a sigh of relief that it was just Harry, and not anyone else. “You frightened us, Harry.”

 

   “Sorry, I was trying to avoid that.”

 

   “Well, what were you doing, then?” Sirius asked again.

 

   “Erm, I spilled my bag at the end of class, and I hadn't cleaned it all up before… erm, before you guys, erm,” Harry cleared his throat, then gesticulated vaguely towards them.

 

 Remus looked at Sirius, his eyebrows raised. Sirius looked back at him, the worry that had been in his eyes a moment before had been replaced with irritation.

 

   “Well, get out then,” Sirius said to Harry.

 

   “I’ll do that,” Harry muttered. “Right, erm, see you. I mean, not that – I’m just going to go –” Harry spun on his heel and walked directly into the door. “Ah! Crap...” Harry massaged his forehead and exited the classroom hurriedly. Remus looked back at Sirius, his eyebrows raised even further.

 

   “Are we sure James was his father?” Sirius asked him. “Because James was never that awkward.”

 

   “Oi!” came Harry’s voice.

 

   “Go away, Harry!” Remus and Sirius said in unison.

 

   “The pair of you are incorrigible!” Harry called, pulling shut the door behind him.

 

 Sirius looked back at Remus. “At least we know for a fact Lily was his mum.”

 

 “Oh, shut up, Sirius,” Remus sighed.

 

 Sirius grinned at him. “What will you do about it if I don’t?” he asked.

 

 Remus couldn’t help the smile as he leaned in and draped his arms over Sirius’s shoulders. “I’ll marry you,” he answered in a whisper. Sirius kissed him again.

 

   “We should go back to our room,” Remus muttered against Sirius’s lips.

 

 Sirius pulled back and sighed. “Probably.” He stepped back, his arms crossing themselves over his chest. He looked Remus up and down, the smiled softly. “It’s a good thing you’re wearing full robes today, Moony.”

 

   “Shut up,” Remus muttered as he drew his robes around himself. Sirius chuckled to himself as they crossed to the door. He turned the handle, then raised his eyebrows.

 

   “The stagling remembered to lock it behind him,” Sirius said proudly, looking over his shoulder to Remus, who rolled his eyes and flicked his wand at it.

 

   “I’m so pleased,” Remus said. Sirius smirked as they left.


	23. twenty-three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I'm late again guys, school's been rlly chaotic this past week. happy monday, and all that crap

_September 6 th, 1977, 2:51p.m., the Potions classroom_

_Remus Lupin_

 

Remus’s potion was frothing an acrid-smelling violet smoke, his tie was singed, he’d lost a button in the cuff of his shirt, and the glass spoon he’d been using to stir his potion was a melted heap on the desk near the sputtering flames. He blamed Sirius.

 

 The morning had started just fine; he’d been the first in their Transfiguration class to successfully transfigure his desk into a horse, in Defense Against the Dark Arts he’d been able to conjure a Patronus without much effort, in Ancient Runes after lunch he hadn’t even needed the review of the year before. His day had started going downhill when he left Ancient Runes for Potions and met up with James and Sirius, who were leaving Arithmency. The day, so far, had been very warm, so Sirius had pulled his hair back into a haphazard bun at the top of his head to keep cool.

 

 Remus completely and whole-heartedly blamed the strands of hair that were still falling loose from the elastic band Sirius was using to hold his hair back.

 

  “Mr. Lupin, do you know where you went wrong?” Professor Slughorn was asking him.

 

 Remus gritted his teeth to keep himself from saying _“When that lock of hair by Sirius's ear began to curl from the steam,”_ and shook his head. Professor Slughorn gave a sigh and moved away from his table, shaking his head and clicking his tongue disappointedly. Next to him, Sirius leaned over and raised his eyebrows.

 

   “Seriously, Moony, what did you do?” Sirius asked him. “Because your potion looks almost as bad as James’s.”

 

   “Shut up, Sirius!” James snapped, Lily having already doused his flaming cauldron with her wand.

 

 Sirius simply shrugged. A strand of hair fell between his eyes, curling in the steam from the cauldrons. Remus gulped and muttered something half-intelligent under his breath.

 

   “You alright, Remus?” Sirius asked, touching his arm. Remus half jumped out of his skin, then quickly nodded.

 

   “Fill a vial with a sample of your potion, label it, and put it on my desk!” Professor Slughorn called. “Then you are dismissed!”

 

 Remus filled a vial as quickly as possible, waved his wand over it to mark it with his name, then carried it up to Slughorn’s desk. He set it down, then turned around and walked into Sirius.

 

   “Careful there, Remus,” Sirius said as he grabbed his arms to steady him, smiling at him gently.

 

   “I, erm, yes,” Remus muttered. That one strand of hair was still dangling between his eyes. Sirius must not have noticed it yet. “Yeah, right.”  


 Sirius raised an eyebrow, but Remus pushed past him and made his way back to their table. He packed up his potions kit and bag as quickly as possible, then started to put away Sirius’s things as he hadn’t returned from the front of the classroom yet.

 

   “You want to help me out too, Moony?” James asked him.

 

   “What?” Remus said, startled. “No, not really.”

 

 James glanced over his shoulder towards where Sirius was, smirking. “Uh-huh. Yep.”

 

   “What?” Remus asked, though he wasn’t paying attention.

 

   “Nothing,” James said innocently. “Nothing at all, dear Moony.”

 

Sirius returned to the table. “Did you pack my stuff up for me, Remus?”

 

   “Yes,” Remus said, picking up Sirius’s bag. “Come on.”  


   “I’m just gonna hang back and be absolutely useless for no reason,” James said, smirking still, “see you two later. Or not. Whichever.”

 

 Sirius shot James a frown, but Remus shoved his bag at him and grabbed his arm, tugging him away. Remus dropped it quickly, trying not to seem too flustered.

 

   “Is there a reason James is hanging back?” Sirius asked.

 

   “No clue,” Remus said. “No fucking clue.”  


 He glanced back at Sirius and saw that he, too, was smirking. He felt like he hated Sirius's smirk sometimes. Remus pushed his way through the crowd of students leaving the dungeons, making his way for the ground floor classrooms and a broom cupboard he knew Filch never used. There were hardly any classes on the ground floor in the afternoons, so the corridors were empty. Remus realized that he had grabbed Sirius’s hand between the dungeons and passing the last few classrooms of the ground floor.

 

   “Should I know where we’re going?” Sirius asked.

 

   “You’ll figure it out,” Remus muttered. Had he happened to turn around at that moment, he would have seen Sirius grinning like a fool.

 

 The corridor ended, a single locked door marking the final wall, flanked by suits of armor that both creaked and groaned as they turned their heads to watch them. Remus cast a quick unlocking charm, then opened the door. Sirius practically floated past him before Remus could even turn around. Giving the corridor one final glance, Remus stepped into the broom cupboard after Sirius and pulled the door shut.

 

 He didn’t wait for Sirius to cast a light, he didn’t wait for him to say something sarcastic or sexual; Remus just grabbed him in a rough kiss. He pushed his hands into Sirius's hair, finally dislodging the remains of the bun he’d put his hair in, and loved the feeling. Sirius moaned against his lips, his hands pushing into Remus’s robes and under his shirt. Remus bit at Sirius's lips, then dragged his mouth across his cheek to his ear, catching the cartilage between his teeth and biting gently down on it. Sirius let out another tiny gasp as Remus moved his lips to his neck, then moaned when he began to suck at a seemingly sensitive spot beneath his ear. Remus tangled his fingers in Sirius's hair, pressing Sirius’s body flush against the wall with his own.

 

   “That fucking bun,” he muttered into his ear. “God, that fucking bun was driving me insane.”

 

   “What?” was all Sirius said in reply. “My – my bun?”

 

   “Fuck, yes, your bun!” Remus said, pulling his lips back up to Sirius’s ear and wrapping them around his earlobe. Sirius’s moan tickled his neck and sent shivers down his spine. “You didn’t even put it up right, it kept falling out.”

 

   “Remus, I’m never going to put my hair up properly again.”  


   “The hell you are _._ ”


	24. twenty-four

  
_April 8th_ _, 1977, 2:21_ _a.m._ _, a boys' dormitory in Gryffindor tower_

Sirius

"… James, you gotta actually do a handstand."

James huffed as he lifted his other leg into the air. "Happy?" he grunted, then immediately fell over and swore violently. Sirius laughed as James crumpled into a heap on the floor of their dorm room.

"You gotta take a shot, now, Prongsie," Sirius crooned, slurring more than a little.

"Fuck you, Black," James spat as he righted himself. "Fuck you and everything you stand for."

"I stand for the protection of innocent canines and beautiful werewolves around the world, do you really wanna fuck with that?" Sirius asked him, his nose in the air in a pompous manner.

James just stuck his tongue out at him, and took a proffered shot from Peter. He downed it, then flopped onto his mattress, which had been pulled off his bed onto the floor, and put his feet up on Peter's trunk. "Sirius, you absolute twat, it's your turn; truth, or fucking dare."

Sirius yawned pointedly, then lay back on his bed. "Dare," he said.

James scratched at his head and hiccuped, then slurred: "I dare you to – wai', no tha' wouldn't work."

"Wha?" Sirius said, lifting his head back up.

James hiccuped again before he answered. "Was gonna dare you to snog Moony, but that's sommat you do on a regular basis, innit, so it's not a proper dare."

"I'll do it anyway!" Sirius laughed delightedly, then leaned over towards the head of his bed where Remus was curled up with his pillow. "Moony, c'mere."

"I will not, you reek of whiskey, Sirius," Remus said, batting a hand at him. Of the four of them, he was the least drunk, but already half-asleep.

"C'mere anyway, Moony, I love you!" Sirius said, grabbing at Remus and managing to tickle his stomach slightly.

"Keep your filthy paws off me," Remus said tiredly, batting him away still. Instead, Sirius squirmed closer and started tickling him purposefully. "Stop it!" Remus laughed.

"Sirius! I dare you to send a Howler to McGonagall!"

"Yes!" Sirius cried, forgetting his quest to tickle Remus into snogging him; he jumped off the bed, tripped over an empty box of chocolate frogs, then staggered to his trunk; Remus hugged Sirius's pillow closer and shut his eyes again. "Moony, help me send her an Howler."

"A Howler," Remus corrected, ending in a yawn.

"Wha'ever, just help me, babe."

"Did you just call him 'babe'?" James laughed. "Merlin, you are so gay!"

"Yeah, yeah, fuck you, too, Potter," Sirius grumbled. He snatched parchment, a quill, and an inkpot from his trunk, then slammed it shut and set the writing tools out on it. "Remus, how do you charm a Howler?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Just write the letter, I'll charm it."

"Prongsie, what do I write?" Sirius asked.

"Proclaim your undying love for her," James said.

"That's boring," Sirius protested.

"Pretend it's from Dumbledore!" Peter piped up.

"Brilliant!" Sirius shouted, then started scribbling intently. After a minute or two, he grabbed a wand off his bed and waved it over the parchment to dry it, however, he'd grabbed Remus's wand, so nothing happened. Remus snatched the wand from him and dried the ink, then grabbed the letter and folded it up. He cast a charm on it, then the outside of the letter turned a shade of blue that was painful on the retinas.

"Now we just need an owl," Sirius said.

James pointed lazily across the room, where his owl was conveniently perched on the wardrobe and observing the four boys with a disapproving eye. Sirius cried an "aha!" and crawled on his knees over to the wardrobe. "C'mere, mate, take this letter to McGonagall!" He realized that he wasn't holding the letter and turned around. "Moony! Give the owl the letter!"

Remus rolled his eyes for the benefit of no one but him, then rose from the bed and carried the letter over to James's owl. "Here, boy," he said, conjuring twine to tie it to the owl's leg. The owl looked down at it, then at Remus and screeched irritatedly.

"You didn't address it!" Sirius protested.

Remus shrugged. "Just take it to McGonagall at breakfast."

The owl seemed to be pleased with the clarification and hooted contentedly.

"Right!" Sirius said, looking around for the bottle of whiskey and his shot glass. "Dare complete. Peter, your turn, truth or dare?"

"Truth," Peter said.

"Come on!" James cried.

"I refuse to do anything that requires I move from my fort," Peter insisted, rolling over inside his spectacularly constructed pillow fort.

Sirius sighed, but then forgot about it as he'd found the whiskey. He couldn't find his shot glass, so he just took a swig from the bottle.

"I dare you to kiss Moony!" James cried.

"No!" Sirius burst out, accidentally spitting firewhiskey James's face.

While James howled and wiped the alcohol from his eyes, Remus crossed back to Sirius's bed and dropped onto it. "Peter, you said truth, right?"

"Yes," Peter said. "Truth."

"Have you and Veronica Bowers done it yet?" Remus asked. He may have been the least drunk of the four of them, but he was still somewhat drunk.

"Yeah, Pete, have you lost your v card yet?" James asked, having sprayed his face with water conjured from his wand to remove the traces of the firewhiskey.

"I'm not a virgin," Peter insisted, "but Roni and I haven't done it yet, no."

"Don't be shy, Wormie, everyone's first time's a bit nerve-wrecking," Sirius assured him.

"I'm not a virgin!" Peter laughed. "Why do you guys keep thinking that?"

"Remus, truth or dare!" James said, ignoring Peter's question.

"Dare," Remus said, almost bored.

"Have you and Sirius done it yet?" James asked.

"That is a truth, not a dare," Remus said. "But if you really want us to do it right now –"

"Fine, I dare you to not do it!" James said hurriedly. "You're not allowed to do it in here anyway, it's unfair to the rest of us who have to concoct ways to sneak girls up."

"You should have fallen for a guy, then Prongsie," Sirius said seriously. "Makes everything so much easier."

"Sirius, truth or dare?" Peter asked.

"Truth," Sirius answered, puffing his chest out.

"Have you and Remus done it yet?" he asked, a bit timidly.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at Remus, raising his eyebrows questioningly, but Remus just shrugged. "Yep," Sirius said, popping the 'p'.

"What?" James gasped, sarcasm lacing his voice. "Really? I never would have thought!"

"Shut up, James," Sirius said, cuffing him over the head.

"James, it's your go," Peter said.

James had ducked Sirius's hand, but popped up at the sound of his name, therefore he failed to dodge Sirius's second swipe. "OW! Dare."

"You kiss Moony," Peter said, giggling to himself.

"No!" Sirius shouted. "Not happening!"

"Why do you all want to kiss me?" Remus muttered.

Sirius looked back over at Remus and clapped his hands together beneath his chin. "I want to kiss you because you're absolutely gorgeous and you always taste like chocolate and you make the best noises when I suck your –"

"Thumb because he's a child of the Lord, God bless you all, amen!" James cried suddenly, making Remus roll his eyes and Peter giggle.

Sirius kept on babbling as if James hadn't interrupted him – " and you're always cuddly and you smell like pure sunshine and I'm head over heels in love with you!"

Remus had started going red right around _absolutely gorgeous_ and had hidden his face behind his sweatered hands at the comment on the noises he made, and by the time Sirius finished he was the color of strawberry frosting and seemed to be trying to hide in his jumper. Sirius clambered onto the bed and flung himself in Remus's lap, then stared up at him with large eyes.

"Pet me, Remus," he purred. Remus giggled lightly and started to comb his fingers through Sirius's hair, making him shut his eyes contentedly and sigh.

"Hey, we're trying to play a game!"

"Fuck off," Sirius snapped at James. "You got me drunk and now I'm horny, deal with it."

Remus turned, if that was possible, even redder.

"Well, go to the Room of Requirement to fuck, you can't do it in the dorm room!"

Sirius considered this. He did not want to go all the way to the Room of Requirement, but he did want to hear Remus make those noises he'd been talking about.

"Eh, whatever," Sirius said, yawning convincingly. "I'm tired."

Remus caught his eye and raised an eyebrow. Sirius winked quickly. Remus hid his face again.

"Don't wimp out on me early!" James said.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said, already grabbing his curtains. "I'm tired, fuck off."

"Pussy!"

"Cock-sucker!"

"That's you, Sirius," Remus said.

"Oh, right. Pussy-sucker!"

"I already used 'pussy', you can't use it!"

"Fine, asshat, now fuck off!" Sirius pulled the final curtain in place, then shifted in Remus's lap and grabbed his wand; he charmed the curtains to stay closed and put up silencing charms, muttering the incantations under his breath.

"Truth or dare," Remus murmured.

"Dare," Sirius replied.

"I dare you to blow me."

"Well, fuck me," Sirius murmured, surprised at Remus's bluntness.

Remus smirked down at him. "I think that can be arranged."


	25. twenty-five

_November 21 st, 1980, 9:03p.m., their flat in Bristol_

_Sirius_

 

When Sirius got home from the Order meeting, Remus was sitting on the couch, curled up with a book. For a moment, Sirius just stood there, staring at him as his brain tried to process that something so pure and innocent could exist at that moment. The ground was littered with tissues, Remus’s nose was red, he was buried under several blankets, and he had a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. To Sirius in that one moment, there was nothing more beautiful in the world.

 

 Remus looked up, his hands going to close the book. He pulled the thermometer out of his mouth and sat up on the couch. “Sirius,” he said cautiously, like he could tell just from the way Sirius was standing that something was wrong. “How was the meeting?”

 

 Sirius shrugged off his jacket and strode forward; he kicked aside tissues and narrowly avoided knocking over a cup of tea to drop onto the couch with his lover. He flopped forward and pushed his arms around Remus’s waist, not even caring how ill he was.

 

 His shoulders began to shake and he felt the book drop onto his back as Remus hugged him. The tears came hot and fast as he squeezed his lover’s waist, his face buried in his abdomen.

 

   “What happened?”

 

   “Marlene,” Sirius gasped. “All her family. They’re –…”

 

 Remus’s hands worked their way into his hair, slowly massaging his scalp. After a moment, he spoke. “Not…?”

 

 Sirius nodded. He felt Remus lean in and hug him tightly, his body covering Sirius’s. He felt Remus begin to cry as well, his warm tears soaking Sirius’s shirt.

 

   “Slaughtered in their beds,” Sirius choked. “Never had a chance to fight; the whole house was killed in an evening.”

 

 Remus pulled back and pressed his lips to Sirius’s hair, tears dripping down onto his head. He didn’t say anything, and Sirius’s sobs doubled.

 

   “I saw her just last week,” Sirius said. “The last thing I said to her was that–that her jacket was fucking hideous and she’d better not be buying my Christmas present in the same place. I saw her just… just last week…”

 

   “I know,” Remus murmured. “God, Sirius, I know.”

 

   “Those were my last words to her,” Sirius sobbed. “She flipped me off and left.”

 

   “She gave me the flu,” Remus said, and his voice broke.

 

   “She’s gone.”

 

 That made seven of their classmates. Seven of the people they had graduated with were dead. Dorcas Meadows had never made to home from their commitment ceremony in July. Marlene spent months hunting for her killer. The Prewett brothers killed somewhere between their sister’s baby shower and their homes. Molly still cried. Edgar Bones had died right in front of Sirius. He couldn’t forget the way the light had drained from his eyes. Mary Macdonald had been shot down during a raid. Peter hadn’t been the same since. Benjy Fenwick had disappeared a few months ago. His wife was now raising a baby alone. Now, Marlene was gone too.

 

   “It’s war,” Remus whispered. “The good get taken during war.”

 

 Sirius only cried harder.


	26. twenty-six

_August 31 st, 1994, 2:54p.m., their flat in Ottery St. Catchpole_

_Sirius_

 

“I still can’t believe Dumbledore wants us both to be professors,” Sirius said as he folded Remus’s socks.

 

 Across the room, Remus looked up from the desk where he was packing his books. “You don’t?”

 

   “No. I mean, I was a rubbish student back in the day, wasn’t I?”

 

   “Sirius, the two of us had the best Defense marks of our entire year.”

 

 Sirius gave a shrug. “Still. I don’t understand.”

 

 He felt hands on his waist and Remus dropped his head onto his shoulder, hugging him from the back gently. “Maybe it’s because he was tired of letting Snape substitute for me on the full moon.”

 

 Sirius leaned back in Remus’s arms and pecked him on the lips. “Maybe it’s because he thinks the students need a professor with a little more pizazz,” he joked.

 

   “Maybe it’s because I made the class too easy last year.”  


   “Maybe he’s just mad.”

 

   “Maybe he wants you to have time with Harry,” Remus suggested.

 

 Sirius turned back to the drawer of Remus’s socks. “Maybe.”

 

 Remus dropped a kiss onto his shoulder, then released him and went back to the desk. Sirius set another pair of folded socks in Remus’s trunk, then looked back to find another pair. He paused. In the nearly empty drawer, there was something at the bottom tucked underneath a pair of dress socks that looked out of place.

 

 He moved the socks, and his breath hitched in his throat. He stared at it a moment, then carefully, reverently, picked it up.

 

   “You kept it?” he choked out.

 

   “Kept what?” Remus asked. Sirius looked at him, then held it up. Remus looked suddenly pale, and his gaze dropped to the floor.

 

   “I – Yes.”

 

 Sirius crossed the room, holding it tightly in his hand, and grabbed him in a fierce kiss. Remus started, then leaned into the kiss, his hands going around Sirius’s waist. A moment later, Sirius pulled back, his empty hand pressed to Remus’s cheek.

 

   “Why?” Sirius asked.

 

   “I couldn’t –” Remus broke off, looking at the ground again; he cleared his throat and started again. “I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it.” He glanced up at him, then, in an ashamed voice, confessed: “I tried. I’m sorry.”

 

 Sirius caressed his cheekbone with his thumb, then slipped his fingers under his chin and brought his face back up to look at him. “They took mine away,” he murmured. “When they locked me up. They took it away. Destroyed it, an Auror told me.”

 

 Remus clenched his jaw, then looked down and carefully opened Sirius’s palm. The wedding ring caught the light, in the same way that it had done fourteen years ago when Remus first fished it out of a bowl of popcorn. He took it from him, then pressed a slow kiss to Sirius’s lips.

 

   “We’ll have to get you another one, then,” he murmured.

 

   “I fucking love you, Remus Lupin.”

 

 Remus smiled at him. He took out his wand and conjured a long chain, then slipped the ring onto it and draped the chain around his neck. “I love you, too, you foul-mouthed idiot.”

 

 Sirius just kissed him again. They could keep packing later. Right then, he needed to repay Remus for not throwing away his ring.


	27. twenty-seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _yes, yes, yes, i'm v evil it needed to be done, okay?_

_November 12_ _ th _ _, 1981, 6:13_ _ p.m. _ _, a now unoccupied flat in Bristol_

_Remus_

 

The door swung open slowly, stopping when the handle struck the wall beside it. The lounge was scattered with trash, dirty dishes piled up on the coffee table, stacks of bills all stamped _URGENT_ sat on the floor near the door, and there was a distinct odor of alcohol and cigarette smoke and body odor permeating the room that was discernable even from the door.

 

Remus choked back a sob.

 

He made his way inside, looking around slowly, letting the door swing shut again behind him. He touched the arm of the couch, remembering the many times they had fallen asleep on it after not making it to their bedroom, stared into the empty grate and though of nights spent staring into the fire cuddling together after one of them had a nightmare, picked up a photo frame that showed evidence of being broken and repaired magically many times. His hands shook as he stared down at it and the tiny spidering cracks in the glass, at the happy grin on Sirius’s face and the way he himself was laughing and leaning into Sirius. He wondered why Sirius had bothered to ever repair it.

 

The frame slipped from his fingers and hit the ground, the glass shattering instantly. Remus didn’t even care. His hands clenched into fists as he now glared at it, hating that he once trusted this man with his love, with his every secret, with his life. With the life of his friends. He kicked it, sending it flying and breaking even further when it struck a wall. Remus whipped out his wand and started to vanish things; the empty bottles, the cigarette butts, he vanished the entire sofa, wishing he could do the same to the memories attached to it. He cleared the lounge in minutes, then made his way into the kitchen. He emptied the cupboards of the mugs and cups and dishes, the fridge of its beer bottles and take-out containers, the stacks of newspapers on the table. He vanished the chairs and table, the dish towels and the crumpled papers littering the floor. He turned his wand on the fridge to get rid of the pictures stuck to it, and hesitated. He put his wand away and carefully removed the photo of Harry, waving his little fists at the camera and tugging on Sirius’s hair. Sirius was wincing and grinning at the same time, while James silently roared with laughter next to him. It broke his heart, but Remus folded it carefully and stuck it in his pocket. He took the photos of James and Lily, a picture from their graduation from Hogwarts of James, Peter, himself, and Sirius, the rest of the photos of Harry; he put them in his pocket to deal with later. He could cut Sirius out of them all. But he left the photos of just himself, the ones that Sirius had randomly taken of him throughout their relationship, mostly while he’d been asleep, and all the ones of him and Sirius looking disgustingly happy. He vanished those without a second thought.

 

Remus walked slowly, mournfully, from the kitchen to the bedroom. His hand fell on the knob, and he couldn’t bring himself to turn it. He leaned against it, resting a fist on the painted wood. A tear slipped from his eye and struck the floor. He could almost hear Sirius pounding the door, begging him to stop what he was doing and talk to him. He could almost hear the clatter of a ring hitting the floor and the sound of the wardrobe slamming shut.

 

Remus turned the handle and stepped inside. The bedroom was just of a mess as the living room, but without any dishes, rather there was a pile of old laundry that had a faint odor rising from it. The bed was unmade and there were more empty bottles here. He looked over the room, his breath catching in his throat and more hot tears spilling from his eyes. Not for the first time in the past week, he couldn’t help the feeling that maybe if he had stayed, Sirius wouldn’t have turned his back on their friends. Maybe he wouldn’t have betrayed them.

 

Remus angrily brushed away the tears and drew his wand again to vanish the contents of the room. His hand shook as he turned it on the pile of laundry first, and he couldn’t bring himself to speak the incantation. Without thinking, he cast a cleaning charm and rid the clothes of their stench, then conjured a box and began filling it with Sirius’s clothes. He emptied the wardrobe, though there was little in it, the drawers, conjuring more boxes when each one filled. He levitated them into the lounge after packing up all the clothes, then went into the bathroom, not wanting to face stripping the bed yet. He packed up the soaps and shampoos from the shower, the Muggle medicines and shaving tools from behind the mirror. There were still two toothbrushes in the cup. Remus threw them away. He packed up all the towels and the rugs, then vanished the cleaning supplies under the counter and the clear plastic shower curtain. He put the boxes in the lounge and moved back into the bedroom.

 

He steeled his nerves and pulled the duvet off the bed. It needed washing. After pulling back the next blanket, he saw the sheets were covered in stains, and everything smelled like it hadn’t been washed since he left. He shoved them into a box, took the pillows and added them. He opened the drawer of the nightstand that had been his and saw nothing had changed since February. He emptied into a box, then moved around to Sirius’s. He emptied the drawer, then vanished the beer bottles; one of them was still half full. He vanished the lamps and was about to do the same to the nightstands when something on Sirius’s caught the light. Remus lowered his wand, then picked it up.

 

It was a ring.

 

Thin, gold and traced with a leafy vine, the ring that had sat on his left hand for nearly a year shone even in the low illumination cast by the overhead light. Remus turned it over in his fingers, then slowly set it on the bare mattress. He leveled his wand at it, blinked away tears, then shut his eyes and choked out a quiet “ _Evanesco_.”

 

When he opened his eyes, tears slipped from them and the ring remained on the mattress, innocent and whole. His wand refused to obey the command to cast the spell to destroy the ring.

 

So, Remus picked it up and dropped it into his pocket. He vanished the mattress and bed frame, the nightstands and the trash that littered the floor. He found a journal on the ground under where the bed had been and picked up. He put it in the box that held the contents of Sirius’s nightstand, unable to force himself to open it. He packed up the books and the items covering the dresser, then vanished the wardrobe and dresser. He destroyed the last of the trash, then cast a charm on the room to clean it. He did the same for the bathroom, the kitchen, and the lounge, then shrunk the boxes and placed them in his pockets, and Remus could swear the ring weighed heavier in his pocket than the boxes. He locked the door and walked to the stairwell leading out of the building, then Disapparated, in the very same spot he had left from in February.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _seven days... ish_


	28. twenty-eight

_July 28 th, 1977, 1:52a.m., a shabby but cozy house in London_

_Remus_

 

When Sirius, James, and Peter arrived at his house earlier that day – well, technically yesterday, going by the clock –, Remus had thought they would play a few rounds of poker with his Exploding Snap deck, or a board game, perhaps mess around with James’s miniature Quidditch set. He certainly did not expect the four of them to be huddled under the same blanket, Sirius hugging his arm, Peter completely hidden under Sirius’s shirt, and James screaming and grabbing Remus’s other arm every five seconds while watching a film.

 

 He didn’t really think _Carrie_ was that frightening anyway.

 

   “HOLY SHIT!” James shouted, for the eighth time by Remus’s count, Sirius yelped and ducked his head under Remus’s chin, Peter whimpered even though he couldn’t even see the screen and Carrie’s arm sticking out of the earth.

 

 Remus looked at them. “What is wrong with you,” he said.

 

   “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” James replied in a shout. Remus was made glad for the seventeenth time that he had put Silencing Charms on his walls before starting the movie. “DO YOU NOT SEE THAT?”

 

   “It’s just a hand,” Remus said with a shrug. “It’s not real.”

 

   “Are you sure?” Sirius murmured. His scruff was tickling Remus’s neck.

 

   “It’s all completely fake,” Remus laughed. “It’s a movie.”

 

   “I don’t want to watch anymore,” Peter mumbled.

 

   “You stopped watching half an hour ago,” Remus reminded him.

 

   “I don’t want to watch anymore!” Sirius said.

 

   “YOU’RE NOT!” James shouted.

 

 The credits started to roll and Remus pulled off the blanket to get up; Peter immediately screamed and James grabbed it away from him. “HOW DARE YOU TAKE OUR SAFETY NET AWAY THIS IS THE ONLY THING BETWEEN US AND THE DEMON.”

 

   “If you’ll let me get up, I’ll turn it off,” Remus told him.

 

   “No, Moony, don’t leave me!” Sirius begged, grabbing his arm.

 

 Remus slipped out of his grip and crossed to the small television set and VCR that his dad had helped him move into his room. “I’m guessing we shouldn’t watch _The Exorcist_ then.”

 

   “EXORCIST??? YOU MEAN MUGGLES KNOW WHAT THAT IS?”

 

   “Put on a kid’s movie or something,” Peter whimpered, still hidden under Sirius's shirt. Sirius hugged him tightly and patted his head.

 

   “It’s okay, Wormy, I’ll protect you,” Sirius murmured to him.

 

  “Stop taking the mickey, Sirius,” Peter said, flapping his hands at him, but he didn’t pull his head out from beneath Sirius's shirt.

 

   “I’m not taking the mickey!” Sirius insisted. “I’ll protect you, you protect James, James’ll protect Moony, Moony’ll protect me. ‘Course, I don’t really trust James to protect Moony properly, so I’ll protect him too.”

 

   “Oh, shut up, Sirius,” James said, finally lowering his voice from a shriek to normal conversation tones.

 

   “What? No one could properly protect my Moony but me!”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the flush creeping up his cheeks. He stopped the tape, then hit the rewind button; he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at it while he waited.

 

  “What are you doing?” James asked.

 

  “Waiting for it to rewind so I can put it away,” Remus said. “It’s always a pain in the ass when someone doesn’t rewind a tape completely before they put it away.”

 

   “What does that mean?” Peter asked.

 

   “The film has to rewind from the end back to the beginning,” Remus explained.

 

   “I thought that I was the pain in your ass?” Sirius asked.

 

 James burst out laughing, then choked on a mouthful of popcorn he’d just eaten, Peter whipped his head out from Sirius's shirt to look at him with an expression of “ _are you fucking kidding me_ ”, and Remus turned to Sirius with a raised eyebrow. Sirius merely shrugged.

 

   “You’re the biggest pain in my ass possible,” Remus promised him, which made Sirius grin.

 

   “As long as I’m the only thing in your ass.”

 

 James legitimately choked and Peter clapped a hand to his forehead; Remus raised the other eyebrow at him. “If you don’t watch your tongue, Sirius Black, you will not be going near my ass every again.”

 

 Sirius saluted. “Yes, sir!”

 

 Peter reached across Sirius and thumped James on the back, because he was still choking. Remus heard the VCR stop and turned around to stop the tape, then ejected it, quickly putting his hand over the tape flap to catch the VHS before the VCR spat it out across the floor. He put the tape in its sleeve, then set it on top of the VCR next to _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ and _The Exorcist_. He hadn’t been joking earlier when he said they shouldn’t watch it. Even he got a bit uncomfortable during it. Remus started back towards the bed where James was spitting popcorn kernels onto the floor and both Peter and Sirius were hitting his back, stopping to pick up and put away _Jaws_ when he accidentally kicked it. His mother was quite the collector of horror films.

 

   “So, I know Sirius is sleeping with Moony tonight anyway,” James said, having cleared his airways finally, “but I left my teddy bear at home because I didn’t expect to be terrified by a teenage girl in dress robes.”

 

   “It’s called a prom dress,” Remus corrected.

 

   “Why?” James said.

 

   “I dunno, it’s an American thing.”

 

   “Peter can be your teddy bear,” Sirius said. “Instead of me being his. Because Moony is my teddy bear.”

 

 Peter pouted and released Sirius. James held out his arms, and Peter shuffled over Sirius to huddle under the blanket beside James.

 

   “That’s everyone teddy bear-ed up,” Remus said. “I assume this means you want to go to bed?”

 

   “Yep,” Sirius said. “I want to see if I can fuck you quietly enough that James doesn’t notice.” Remus legitimately flushed, while James gave a cry if indignation. “I’m joking, I’m joking!” Sirius said hastily, ducking James’s fist.

 

   “I thought you were serious?” Peter said, poking his head out from beneath the blanket innocently.

 

 James stopped trying to hit Sirius in favor of laughing again; Remus staggered back to the bed and collapsed onto it, clutching a stitch in his side, all the while Peter looked quite pleased with himself. Sirius gave Peter a sharp high five for the master level of punception he had achieved.

 

   “I trained you well,” Sirius said.

 

 Peter beamed. He then snuggled back beneath the blanket, and promptly began to snore.

 

   “Hey, come on, this is my bed!” Remus protested. “It’s bad enough I have to share with Sirius, get your own bed!”

 

   “Bad enough?” Sirius spluttered.

 

 James rolled his eyes while Peter got up, grumbling; he wrapped himself up in the blanket then climbed the ladder to the top bunk and resumed his snoring.

 

   “So, I do actually have to share with Peter?” James said.

 

   “Unless you’d like to sleep on the floor,” Remus told him. “Get off my bed.”

 

 James huffed and stood up; Sirius stretched out and winked at Remus, who flushed again. James pointed an accusatory finger at Sirius, wagging it at him with a scowl. “No fucking Remus.” Sirius responded by pointing an accusatory middle finger at James, who ignored him. “This bed will shake and I will know if you’re breaking dorm rules.”

 

   “We’re not in the dorm!” Sirius protested.

 

   “It is still not fair!” James insisted, climbing the ladder to join Peter.

 

   “You’re not fair!”  


   “You’re not fair! You’re gay!”

 

   “Bisexual!”

 

   “Still dating your roommate,” James said. “Totally not fair.”

 

 Sirius echoed James’s huff as Remus joined him on the bed. He opened his arms and Remus settled in beside him, resting his head on his chest. Sirius pressed a kiss to his forehead and Remus shut his eyes.

 

   “I wasn’t joking when I said you were my teddy bear,” Sirius murmured.

 

 Remus opened one eye. “Am I spooning you or not?”

 

   “You are. Just warning you.”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes and draped an arm over his chest, hugging him quickly. “It’s fine, Sirius.”

 

   “Did you put the silencing charms on the whole room or just the bed?”

 

   “The whole room,” James answered.

 

   “Oh, shut up!” Sirius snapped.

 

 Remus sighed. It was going to be a very long night.


	29. twenty-nine

_January 22 nd, 1977, 1:541a.m., the Gryffindor common room_

_Sirius_

 

“… oh, Merlin, there!”

 

   “There?”

 

   “Yes! Right there!”

 

   “Ohh…”

 

   “Can you feel it?”

 

   “God, oh, uhhhh…”

 

 Sirius looked up at Remus. He grunted again as he yanked his arm out from under the couch.

 

   “Couldn’t get it,” Remus sighed.

 

   “Do you realize how sexual that sounded?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus turned pink. “Shut up, you idiot.”

 

   “Whatever. Let me try and get it.”

 

   “This is your fault.”  


   “My fault?” Sirius asked, drawing his arm back. “You’re the one who started moaning.”

 

   “No, _this_! You dropped it!”

 

   “Only because you were moaning in my ear!”

 

 Remus glared at him. “I blame you entirely.”

 

 Sirius stuck his tongue out at him. “Just shine the light a little closer to the right, will you?”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed Sirius’s wand from him, then aimed the light pouring from the tip closer to where Sirius was groping around on the ground.

 

   “Why does this couch have to be so close to the ground?” Sirius grumbled. “Ah! I’ve got it!”

 

 He jerked his arm back out and waved it triumphantly in Remus’s face. Remus raised an eyebrow.

 

   “That’s someone’s Charms’ notes.”

 

 Sirius looked down at it. “Why are their notes so small?” he asked. Remus rolled his eyes once again.

 

   “Get out of the way,” he said, shuffling along the ground closer to the couch. Sirius rolled out of his way, propping himself up on an elbow to watch Remus fumble along under the couch.

 

   “I’ve got it,” he said, pulling back his arm. Sirius let out a little sound of victory and snatched it from him.

 

   “Finally!”

 

 Remus put the wand out and handed it to Sirius. “One problem.”

  
  
  “What?” Sirius said, who had paused in ripping open the package.

 

   “You’re not hard anymore,” Remus told him. “The condom’s useless.”

 

 Sirius glanced down at his crotch. “Shit.”

 

 Remus shook his head and pushed himself off the ground. “You’re an idiot.”

 

 Sirius leaned in and pressed an abrupt kiss to his mouth. “I’m _your_ idiot,” he corrected, grinning.

 

 Remus blushed but returned the kiss. “Indeed you are,” he murmured.


	30. thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _So, you lot should know by now the (at least i think) famous line: "you fold your socks, Remus, forgive me if I'm not trembling at the sight of you." i didn't come up with that. just saying._

_November 21 st, 1972, 9:43p.m., a boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor tower_

_Remus Lupin_

 

When Remus exited the bathroom, he had not expected to see all three of his roommates standing in the center of the room with their arms crossed over their chests and stony expressions on their faces.

 

 He would have expected them to be arguing over something silly, or pillow fighting, or James to be forcibly brushing Sirius’s hair, but not to be waiting for him like that.

 

   “Wh–what’s up, guys?” Remus asked, attempting a smile and avoiding going to the very first place his mind wanted to go. _They can’t know, don’t be silly, Remus. There’s no way they know about the full moon. No, no, no way, go away thoughts, I don’t like this, I don’t like this –_

 

   “Remus, we have a question,” Sirius said, and Remus tried not to act like he was having an anxiety attack.

 

   “Yeah?” he replied, going over to his bed and hanging his towel across the radiator. “What?”

 

   “Where were you last night?”

 

 Remus’s stomach plummeted. _THEY KNOW THEY KNOW OH GOD THEY KNOW –_ “I wasn’t feeling well, I went to the – the Hospital Wing.”

 

   “Hey, Remus?” James said. “Did you know that last night was the full moon?”

 

 Remus felt his heart stop. He wondered if it was possible for the human heart to actually stop beating; he guessed it was, as he could swear that his heart had noped out of the situation. “Was it?” he said, trying for a last vestige of hope that this was not going where he knew it was going. “I didn’t know.”

 

   “Yeah, and last full moon, you were in the Hospital Wing.”

 

  _HOW COULD I HAVE USED THE SAME EXCUSE TWO MONTHS IN A ROW OH MY GOD I AM SO STUPID THEY’RE GOING TO REPORT ME I’M GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD –_

 

   “W–was I?” he said instead. _Please no, please no, please no, please God no –_

 

   “Yeah, you’re a shit liar, Remus,” James said.

 

   “Listen, it’s not – it isn’t as bad as you think it is!” Remus began babbling, letting anything come out of his mouth that might possibly convince them to let him stay at Hogwarts. “It’s controlled, Madam Pomfrey keeps an eye on me, no one can get at me while I’m turned –”

 

 The other boys’ eyes were all getting very wide, though Remus didn’t know why. “– Dumbledore’s thought it all through, no one’s in danger from me, besides, it’s not like I could hurt anyone, I still turn into a cub when I do turn –”

 

   “Whoa, whoa, Remus, stop!” Sirius said hastily, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him slightly. “What are you talking about?”

 

 Remus balked. “I – Y–you guys know that I’m a w–werewolf.”

 

 Sirius’s eyebrows shot up remarkably far up his forehead, James’s mouth fell open, and Peter’s expression of shock and horror looked like someone had just flashed him. “We thought you were sneaking out to snog Dorcas Meadows!” Sirius gasped. “You’re a werewolf?”

 

 Remus felt his blood run cold. They hadn’t known. They had not known, and he had just blown it. Sirius was gaping at him, Peter had backed up and tripped over a trunk, James was blinking as he stared into space.

 

   “Why the hell would I be snogging Dorcas Meadows every month on the full moon?!” Remus demanded.

 

   “I don’t know, she’s one of the Wiccan witches, they’ve got weird full moon rituals!” Sirius said. “You’re really a werewolf?”

 

   “Just because she’s Wiccan doesn’t mean she snogs people only on the full moon!” Remus said emphatically. Of course, he was defending someone else just then. He had spilled the beans to his roommates, who were now definitely going to report him and get him expelled, and he was telling Sirius off for assuming things about Wiccans.

 

   “That actually makes more sense,” James said.

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, I didn’t really think you were actually snogging Dorcas Meadows, she’s not your type.”

 

   “You’re a werewolf?” Peter muttered.

 

 Remus glanced between them. “Um, one, a whole lot more sense, two, you don’t know what my type is, three, y–yes.”

 

 James glanced at Peter and hit him on the arm. “Pete, relax! The full moon was last night, and anyway, this is Remus we’re talking about, for bleeding Merlin’s sake, he couldn’t hurt a Flobberworm.”

 

 Remus wasn’t sure if he should be relieved that James appeared to be defending him or offended that he was calling him harmless. He wasn’t really sure what he was feeling in general.

 

 Sirius seemed to realize that he was still clutching his shoulders and dropped his hands. “So, what’s being a werewolf like?” he asked, dropping onto Remus’s bed.

 

 Remus didn’t answer him. He glanced between the three of them, his mouth hanging slightly open, until he found the words to speak. “Yo–you’re not reporting me?”

 

   “Report you?” Sirius said. “You just said Dumbledore had things all figured out, why would we need to do that?”

 

 Remus opened his mouth, shut it, blinked, then let his gaze drop to the ground. “Because I’m a monster,” he muttered.

 

 James let out a loud laugh. “Monster? Bloody hell, Remus, you fold your socks, forgive me if I’m not trembling at the sight of you.”

 

 Remus looked up again; James was still laughing, Peter had gotten up off the trunk, and Sirius was looking at him with a confused expression. Then Sirius spoke.

 

   “Why would you think you’re a monster?”

 

 Remus blinked at him, then he shrugged, looking down again.

 

   “It’s the wolf that’s the monster,” Sirius said. “And when you turn, the wolf takes over. You’re not the wolf.”

 

   “Yeah, it’s like, I dunno, steak and kidney pie,” James said, “you got one thing that’s bad but part of the whole, then the other thing that’s good and part of the whole, but you can ignore the kidney pie because the steak is way better and who gives a damn if the kidney pie tastes bad?”

 

 Remus looked up at him, so did Sirius and Peter. “That m–made absolutely no sense,” Remus said.

 

 James snorted. “What do you want from me, I’m no philosopher.”

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Part of what he said has a point; you and the wolf are two separate things, Remus, you’re not a monster.”

 

 Remus looked up at Sirius, and his mind finally processed everything that had just happened and he felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude that he had met these boys. His friends didn’t care that he was a werewolf, they didn’t think he was a monster, _they didn’t care._

 

   “Wait a second,” Peter said abruptly. The other three looked up at him as he frowned, looking as if he was still having trouble processing the situation. “You’re a werewolf.”

 

   “Yes, Peter, we have established that fact,” James said dryly.

 

   “But your name is Remus Lupin,” Peter continued, ignoring James completely. “Remus as in the brother of Romulus, who were both raised by a wolf, Lupin as in the moon or something, but… but, basically, you’re Werewolf McWerewolf the Werewolf.”

 Remus blinked once, twice, then the four of them burst into laughter; Remus collapsed onto his bed next to Sirius, laughing uncontrollably at the irony of his name that not even he had noticed before. He was a werewolf, and his best friends in the entire world didn’t give a damn.


	31. thirty-one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _a lil something short and sweet for y'all_

_November 22 nd, 1977, 12:22a.m., a corridor on the fifth floor_

_Remus_

 

Of all his duties as a prefect, Remus hated patrolling the most.

 

 He was very tired, he was sick of walking up and down the same corridors for an hour, and he just wanted to go back up to his dorm and crawl under his blankets. He covered a yawn and wished for the millionth time that it was one already so he could go to bed. He turned a corner and groaned a little at the sight of the same empty hallway.

 

 Remus began down the hallway, passing by the ominous silhouettes of the suits of armor – one of them was scratching its nose, another was playing hacky-sack with a neighboring suit's helmet – and paused by a window. He looked out at the grounds, at the reflection of the crescent moon on the lake and the trees swaying in the breeze.

 

 He heard a swishing of fabric behind him, and something was thrown over his head; Remus whipped around, his hand going for his wand, but stopped as Sirius grinned at him.

 

   “You come here often?” whispered Sirius.

 

Remus rolled his eyes. “What are you doing, Sirius?”

 

 Sirius gave him a pout, his bottom lip turning out in a way that he knew would make Remus want to kiss him. “Can’t I surprise visit my lover every now and then?”

 

 Remus snorted, covering his mouth with his hands as he giggled. “Lover makes us sound like we’re sophisticated barons in some old time drama who’re cheating on their wives.”

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Would you rather I call you boyfriend?”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes. “I think lover sounds right,” he said.

 

   “My point exactly. Plus, it sounds much cooler than ‘boyfriend’. Lover.”

 

 Remus giggled again. “But what are you doing here?”

 

 Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t we just cover this? I’m surprising you!”

 

   “You succeeded,” Remus said. “But someone is going to wonder why there are two disembodied male voices flirting with each other by a window.”

 

   “Eh, they’ll think it’s a pair of especially homoerotic ghosts,” Sirius said with a wave of his hand. “Emphasis on erotic. Come with me.”

 

 Remus let Sirius take his hand and pull him away, down the corridor and into a broom cupboard. Remus pulled James’s invisibility cloak off while Sirius tapped the door with his wand twice, then conjured a light. Remus dropped the cloak onto the ground, then leaned back against the wall. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

 

 Sirius put his wand away, then set his hands at Remus’s tie, which Remus hadn’t ever bothered to tie properly. He pulled it loose, then leaned in as he began to unbutton his shirt. Remus’s breath hitched in his throat as Sirius’s lips touched his neck.

 

   “You’ve been on my mind all day,” Sirius whispered, his voice in Remus’s ear sending a shiver down his spine. “Do you know what you do to me when you wear your tie like that, when you leave the top button of your shirt undone, and you roll your sleeves up?”

 

   “I hadn’t realized it did anything,” Remus murmured. Sirius began to suck at a point under his jaw, Remus tilting his head unconsciously.

 

   “It drives me insane,” whispered Sirius. “I couldn’t wait to get you alone.”

 

   “Took you long enough,” Remus replied, his arms snaking around Sirius’s neck and his hands pushing their way into his hair. He pulled Sirius’s head up and kissed his lips; Sirius immediately pushed his tongue into his mouth, pressing his body into Remus’s. The kiss broke and Sirius trailed kisses down his cheek and neck, his hands undoing the final button on his shirt. Remus gasped a little when he set his hands on his bare chest, then inhaled sharply as Sirius pushed his hands to the small of his back and pulled him closer.

 

   “I’ve been needing to touch you all day,” said Sirius, “but you never fucking got the hint.”

 

   “I’m taking it now,” Remus mumbled.

 

   “And that damn girl in Ravenclaw, daring to flirt with my lover.”

 

 His heart, already racing, skipped a beat as Sirius murmured that. “Jealous much?” he murmured.

 

   “Very,” Sirius whispered, biting at his ear. “You’re mine.”

 

   “Okay,” Remus said. “I’m yours.”

 

 Sirius kissed a trail down his neck, then across his collar bones before coming back to his lips. “Mine,” he mumbled against his lips.

 

   “Yours,” Remus answered. Sirius’s hands found his belt and started to undo it. Remus bit his lip, and Sirius kissed him harder.

 

 They returned to Gryffindor tower around two, and the both of them got into Remus’s bed; Remus felt Sirius pull him close as they fell asleep.

 

   “… I think Sirius is in Remus’s bed again.”

 

   “Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”

 

   “Are you going to tell them or should I?”

 

   “I’m gonna tell them, I’m not letting them live this down.”

 

   “You’re not mad?”

 

   “Oh, I am, but I’m less mad that Sirius stole my cloak again and more mad that they got jizz all over it!”

 

   “It’s only a little bit on that one corner.”

 

   “It’s the principle of the thing, Peter!”

 

 Remus opened his eyes. He knew something had gone wrong the night before. He prodded Sirius until his eyes opened.

 

   “Whaaa…” Sirius mumbled.

 

   “You got cum on James’s invisibility cloak,” Remus whispered.

 

 Sirius’s face flushed red and he pressed a hand over his face. “Shit,” he muttered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _just imagine james scowling at sirius throughout the day while sirius looks sheepish and that's how the rest of this day went_


	32. thirty-two

_June 17_ _ th _ _, 1978, 3:31_ _ p.m. _ _, their flat in Bristol_

_Sirius_

 

As the shouting continued, James turned to Sirius with a proffered hand and a morose expression.

 

   “It was nice knowing you, mate,” he said. “It's a shame that our friendship is ending this way.”

 

 Sirius took the handshake and pulled James into a hug. “I'm gonna miss you, Prongs,” he said in a teary voice, blinking for effect. “But it's better this way.”

 

 James choked out a sob. “You were the best gay best friend a guy could ask for!” The two of them burst into fake tears, half laughing as Lily and Remus glared at them from the floor. Remus was still holding a half empty bottle of firewhiskey and an index card bearing the legend: _explain to the person on your left why you would be the best person to care for their child in case of their death._

 

   “Will you two shut up for two seconds?” Lily spat. “I am trying to beat Lupin’s ass into the ground!”

 

 Sirius let go of James quickly. “Okay, you two might be having world war three, but fucking _my_ lover in _my_ own sitting room is too far!”

 

   “Shut _up_ , Sirius!” Remus shouted. “The adults are talking.”

 

   “I think that was meant to be an insult but it sounded like a compliment to me,” James hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

 

   “I'm gonna take it as a compliment,” Sirius muttered back.

 

   “There is no way I would ever let the two of you babysit my cat let alone my – currently completely hypothetical! – child!” Lily said.

 

   “Okay, Sirius is an idiot, sure, but I've got to be one of the most responsible people you know!” Remus insisted.

 

   “Remind me how we got to talking about our hypothetical children?” James asked Sirius in a whisper.

 

 Sirius shrugged.

 

   “Two seconds ago, you literally just said you've never held a baby before in your life,” Lily reminded Remus.

 

   “There's a first time for everything!”

 

   “Are you fucking serious right now?” Lily laughed, but then her face froze. For a second, absolutely no one moved. No one spoke, no one sniggered, no one even let out a breath. Sirius raised his eyebrows as beside him, James covered his mouth with a hand. Remus, looking like he was trying very hard not to laugh, arranged his face into an expression of complete calm.

 

   “Not at the moment, but I was earlier this morning,” Remus said haughtily.

 

   “I hate you,” Lily snorted. James burst into laughter as Sirius clutched at James’s arm as he bent double laughing.

 

   “In fact, I’m planning on doing it again this evening,” Remus added. Sirius sat up straighter on the sofa. “But not if you say anything!” he added, pointing an accusing finger at his lover. Sirius slumped back on the sofa.

 

   “Can you believe him?” Sirius said to James.

 

   “He – he might be – fucking serious! Right now!”

 

 James and Sirius burst into renewed laughter.

 

   “I hate you!” Lily shouted. “I hate your name, I hate your mother, I hate the bloody star you were named after!”

 

   “It’s not my fault!” Sirius protested. “Come on, Lils, be _serious_!”

 

   “I’m leaving!” Lily declared, and she pushed herself up off the floor and started stumbling for the door; alcohol made her dizzy. “I’m leaving, I’m never talking to any of you again, goodbye!”

 

 James buried his face in Sirius’s shirt, muffling his laughter. Lily paused, then rapped him on the head. “Hello-o! I’m leaving!”

 

   “Okay! Just – don’t be fucking Sirius!”

 

   “Okay, this is just excessive,” she said. “I’m moving back in with my parents, I’m never talking to you lot again.”

 

   “Bye!” James choked out.

 

   “Jaaammeesssss!” Lily whined, now grabbing his arm and tugging on him. “Come on, I’m leaving you! Do something!”

 

   “I’ll see you in the morning, then,” James giggle. “Cause you’re not fucking serious!”

 

   “I hate you,” she declared, and left. Sirius wiped tears from his eyes, while James kept laughing into Sirius’s shirt.

 

   “We’ve had way too much whiskey,” Sirius giggled.

 

   “Lily had a point, though,” Remus said. “I am fucking Sirius.” James lifted his head, laughing even harder. “Like, right now.” James chuckled, then frowned.

 

   “Wait,” he said.

 

   “So, you should get out,” Remus told him.

 

 Sirius grinned and shoved James to his feet. “You heard the man! He’s fucking serious!”

 

   “Use protection!” James cried, then shut the door behind him, muffling his laughter.

 

 Sirius continued to grin as he jumped to his feet. “So, we’re fucking me, now, right?”

 

 Remus just kissed him. Sirius was never more glad for misnomers in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _you guys should know i found the prompt for this from tumblr user[ itscooltobefancy](http://itscooltobefanficy.tumblr.com/post/158080894955/in-seventh-year-remus-and-lily-have-a-really)_


	33. thirty-three

_September 1 st, 1973, Platform 9 ¾_

_Remus_

 

“Mum, I’m thirteen years old, I don’t need you to hold my hand anymore!” Remus laughed as he tried to disentangle himself from his mother.

 

   “Oh, but I wouldn’t want to lose you!” his mum laughed and grabbed him in a tight hug. “Whatever would I do without you?”

 

 Remus laughed and pulled away from his mum. “Probably s–sit in the living room and enjoy the fact that it’s clean for once,” he said.

 

   “He’s got a point,” said Remus’s father.

 

   “Pssh,” his mum said as she waved a hand. “Why would I care about clean living rooms when I’ve got your darling face to look at?” she added and pinched his cheek.

 

   “Mum!” Remus protested, batting her hand away.

 

 His mother laughed at him, her grin one of pure delight as her son scrambled away from her and rubbed at his cheek furiously. “Look at him, Lyall,” she said. “Such a fool.”

 

 Remus glared at his mother while his father laughed. Then a hand grabbed his shoulder and he did a sort of judo flinch away from it, flailing for a second until he realized that it was just James and he was giving him a very strange look.

 

   “Merlin, Remus, it’s just me,” he said. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin.”

 

   “James, darling, hello!” Remus’s mum cried as she flung out her arms for a hug. “My favorite son!”

 

   “Gee, thanks,” Remus said as James hugged Remus’s mum.

 

   “It’s okay, you’re my mum’s favorite,” James said to Remus.

 

   “I thought that was Sirius,” Remus said.

 

   “What was me?” asked Sirius’s voice, also directly behind Remus, also making Remus do a judo flinch away from him. “Moons, chill.”

 

   “Stop sn–sneaking up on me,” Remus said, wagging a scolding finger at both James and Sirius.

 

   “We’re not sneaking up on you,” James said with a reassuring wave of his hand. Then he glanced slightly to the left of Remus. “But Peter is.”

 

 Remus glanced over his shoulder and let out a manly squeak of fright when he saw Peter’s grinning face nearly resting on his shoulder. He glared at all three of his friends and his parents as they laughed.

 

   “This is harassment,” Remus declared.

 

   “What are we harassing you for?” Sirius laughed, leaning on Remus for support, he was laughing so hard.

 

   “I don’t know, my t–terrible hearing, apparently,” Remus sighed.

 

 A whistle somewhere blew. Remus’s father checked his watch and stifled his laughter. “It’s ten to eleven, you boys better get on the train,” he said to them.

 

   “My stuff’s on the train already,” Sirius said.

 

   “I’ve got my shhhhtuff on first,” James said, narrowly avoiding swearing in front of Remus’s parents. “Had to kick some firsties out of our compartment, though.”

 

   “James, you didn’t,” Remus’s mum gasped.

 

   “Wait, no, of course, I didn’t!” James said. “I mean, I had to swoop in there and make sure that I secured the compartment before the first years.”

 

 Remus’s mother looked disbelieving but the kind of disbelieving where the parent in question actually doesn’t care at all and is just disapproving out of principle. “Hmm,” she said, furthering Remus’s thought. “If you say so.”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes and hugged his parents, saying his goodbyes and promising to write them and such. Remus’s mother kissed his cheek then patted his arm as he pulled away.

 

   “Have a good term,” she said, and there were tears in her eyes despite her smile.

 

   “Bye,” Remus said, waving.

 

   “Onto the train!” Sirius said. “Before James digs his grave any deeper.”

 

   “And before anyone else walks up behind Remus,” Peter added with a snort.

 

   “Oh, shut up,” Remus muttered.

 

 Sirius threw an arm around Remus and squeezed his shoulders. “Come on, mate, y’know we love you,” he said with a grin.

 

 James threw his arm around Remus as well, adding, “No homo, though.”

 

   “Oh, well, yeah, course not,” Sirius said. “Duh.”

 

   “Will you both please just s–stop,” Remus begged; his face was entirely red because the moment James had said _“No homo,”_ and Sirius agreed with him, Remus had immediately pouted mentally.

 

   “Nope!” James cried. “Hey, we can braid each other’s hair later!”

 

   “Yeah!” Sirius cheered, and the two high-fived each other over the top of Remus’s head. Remus ducked out from under their arms and darted around to hide behind Peter, who was still taller than each of them, which would have been impressing excepting for the fact that Peter was nearly two years older than them.

 

   “Oi!” Sirius said. “We were about to start skipping merrily!”

 

   “Nope,” Remus said. “You two can skip yourselves merrily onto the train by yourselves.”

 

   “Fine,” James said.

 

   “We will,” Sirius added.

 

 The both of them stuck their tongues out at him, then proceeded to skip merrily onto the train. Remus exchanged looks with Peter and they followed them, tugging along their luggage.

 

 Remus shoved his trunk up onto the luggage rack with Peter’s help, as James and Sirius were too busy catching up everything that had happened in the past two days that they had not seen each other. Also, Peter was much more helpful than James’s non-existent biceps. They leaned out of the window to wave as they train’s pistons hissed and it began to move. Remus hung out of the window waving to his mum and dad until they disappeared from view.

 

   “Here’s to another year, lads,” James said.

 

   “It’s gonna be a great year,” Sirius said with a grin. “Hogsmeade!”

 

   “I can’t wait to get into Zonko’s!” James cried.

 

   “Me neither!” Sirius nearly moaned at the thought of the village joke shop. “Can you imagine the havoc?”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes at them.


	34. thirty-four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _today is the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, so while you once again mourn, please enjoy this fluffy chapter_

_April 11 th, 1977, 12:04a.m., a boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower_

_Remus_

 

Remus’s hands were shaking almost imperceptibly. Everyone was asleep, James snoring but muffled by his enchanted curtains, Peter murmuring in his sleep, Sirius quiet. There was faint light, made by the nightlight on Remus’s nightstand, spilling over the floor and slipping up the curtains and trunks. Everything was calm, but for Remus’s pounding heart.

 

 Remus opened Sirius’s curtains, the heavy fabric sliding silently along its track. Sirius didn’t stir, not even when Remus lifted the blankets and slipped into the bed beside Sirius. He left the curtains open slightly, so the light from his glowing glass rabbit could reach him even there. The boy shifted and lay his arm out, so Remus settled himself by Sirius’s side, resting his head on his shoulder, feeling his every inhale and exhale. Since it had been getting warmer lately, Sirius was sleeping without a shirt, letting Remus take comfort in touching his skin.

 

 The echoes of the nightmare still played in his mind, and his heart was still pounding, but the soft, mellow scent of Sirius’s shampoo filled Remus’s nostrils and the warmth of his skin seeped through to Remus’s chilled blood, soothing his distressed state.

 

 Sirius, still asleep, pulled his arm tighter around Remus.

 

 Remus drifted off again soon, but not long later Sirius shifted again, then woke.

 

   “Remus?” he mumbled.

 

 Remus lifted his head, “Go b–back to sleep,” he whispered.

 

   “Are you okay?”

 

   “Now, yeah.”

 

 Sirius draped his other arm over him, moving more to his side to hold Remus more securely. He planted a kiss on his forehead, then closed his eyes again.

 

   “Did you have a nightmare?” Sirius asked in a whisper.

 

   “Yeah,” Remus answered.

 

   “You want to talk about it?”

 

   “Not really.”

 

   “Okay.”

 

 They were quiet again. Sirius’s even breathing eventually lulled Remus back to sleep.

 

 Dawn came, and the sun and the sound of James and Peter getting up and talking roused them. Sirius groaned and buried his face in Remus’s shirt, trying to go back to sleep.

 

   “Oi, sleepyheads, wake up!” James shouted.

 

   “Go back to bed,” Sirius groaned.

 

   “Just because you’re not a morning person, doesn’t mean we can’t be,” James reminded him. “Besides, it’s Transfiguration this morning, and McGonagall’s going to be talking about conjuring food. You like food, right Sirius?”

 

   “Hey, where’s Remus?” Peter called. “He’s not in his bed.”

 

   “I’ve got him,” Sirius said. He shifted onto his back, rubbing at his face with the hand not beneath Remus’s waist.

 

   “Hey, you can’t do it in the dorm room!” James shouted. “We’ve discussed this thousands of times, it’s not fair to the rest of us!”

 

   “We weren’t doing it,” Remus defended. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Prongs.”

 

   “Shut up, let them think I got lucky last night,” Sirius hissed, loud enough for the other two to hear him. Remus rolled his eyes and the others laughed.

 

   “Did you have a nightmare last night, Remus?” Peter asked, coming around to open the curtain.

 

   “Yeah,” Remus said. “It’s fine. I found myself a giant teddy bear.”

 

 Sirius hugged his waist with a dopey smile, clearly pleased.

 

 Remus could hear James rolling his eyes, or rather groaning. “The two of you are so gay,” James said.

 

   “That’s kind of the point,” Sirius told him.

 

   “Fine, the two of you are so disgustingly affectionate it makes me want to vomit.”

 

   “Well, you’re so smitten with Evans that it makes me want to vomit.”

 

   “Hey, when you know, you know.”

 

   “Ditto,” Sirius called. Remus smiled. James groaned.

 

   “Oh, shut up, James!” Sirius called. Peter shook his head and moved away, going back to his own bed. Sirius took advantage of his leaving and pulled the curtains shut tight, then pressed his lips to Remus’s.

 

   “No snogging in the dorm room, either!” James called. Remus wondered how he knew they were kissing without being able to see them.

 

   “I thought Remus was supposed to be the one enforcing rules,” Peter replied.

 

 Sirius and Remus ignored them.

 

   “Hey, come on, we’re gonna miss breakfast if you two don’t pull your tongues out from each other’s throats.”

 

   “I could think of something other than breakfast I’d rather eat,” Sirius whispered against Remus’s lips, who giggled and pushed him back.

 

   “He has a point,” Remus told him. “We need to get going.”

 

   “Fuck you, James!” Sirius called as Remus got up.

 

   “Hey, Remus is your boyfriend, not me!”

 

   “Shut up,” Sirius muttered, but he finally got up as well


	35. thirty-five

_July 12 th, 1994, 7:27a.m., their flat in Ottery St. Catchpole_

_Remus_

 

A thin stream of sunlight slipped through the gap in the curtains, its golden tendrils adorning Sirius’s hair and turning it a softer shade of black that was almost brown. Remus studied his sleeping face, wanting to memorize the lines in his skin, the way his eyelashes fell on his cheeks, the slight pout of his lips. He touched his knuckles to his cheek, brushing away a lock of hair.

 

 Sirius stirred, then his eyes opened. He blinked, yawning, and fixed his gaze on Remus’s. A smile grew on his lips and Sirius covered Remus’s hand with his own.

 

   “Morning, Moony,” Sirius murmured.

 

   “Good morning,” Remus replied softly, and it was true. There had been very few mornings in the past decade that Remus felt were truly good. This was the exception.

 

   “Hey, morons, come on, I’m gonna be late if I wait for you much longer!”

 

 Sirius gave a groan. “Tonks, you absolute bitch, can you for once let us have a lie in?”

 

 The door opened and Tonks stuck her head in; her hair was a bright shade of violet this morning, streaked with blue. “We have a tradition,” she said. “We eat breakfast together. Every morning. That’s the rule.”

 

   “What does it matter if we miss one breakfast?” Sirius sighed.

 

   “I’ll get sad that dad and dad don’t enjoy my company,” Tonks quipped. “Put your pants on and come downstairs,” she added, shutting the door with a sharp snap.

 

   “How do you know I’m not wearing pants?” Sirius shouted astonishedly.

 

   “Why are we both dad?” Remus asked indignantly.

 

 They ate breakfast with Tonks, discussing the day ahead and what they had to do. Tonks told them that she’d been made the lead Auror in a robbery case, at which Remus congratulated her and Sirius merely grunted, still pissed about being forced to get out of bed. She left a little after eight, after which Remus forced Sirius to help him clean the kitchen. Around ten, they walked across town to Thea’s farm to visit Harry, staying for lunch. They left again around one, when Harry left to go and see Ginny at the Weasleys.

 

 They walked close to each other, and it struck Remus suddenly that their hands brushed as they walked. Exactly as they had first done fifteen years ago as children. It had taken just two days for them to fall back into their old rhythm.

 

   “Do we need to stop at the store on our way back home?” Sirius asked Remus.

 

 Remus shrugged, then he took Sirius’s hand in his. He didn’t care that they were in public. He didn’t care that an old lady across the street was giving them a suspicious look, or that a passing mailman wrinkled his nose, or even that a woman with her two children shot the two of them a dirty look and crossed the road with her kids held closer than a moment before. Sirius looked at him, and he smiled softly before squeezing his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i have finals next week. pray for me._


	36. thirty-six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _sorry that it's been a while, guys, i got swept up in exams and possibly forgot y'all existed for a lil bit there but i had reasons okay i had a cumulative anatomy final tuesday alright **cumulative**! pls don't hate me, have some fluff_

_September 1 st, 1971, 11:14a.m._

_Remus Lupin_

 His hands were shaking. His legs were shaking. Every bit of him was shaking, essentially. Even his brain felt like it was shaking, though that might have been the rumbling of the train. He was dragging his trunk behind him, the weight of it making his arm sore after all this time. He’d been looking for an empty compartment since he’d gotten on the train, but all of them were full; even the ones with only a few people in them had people who looked like they were the best of friends. He didn’t want to interrupt.

 

 A red-headed girl and a boy with pale skin pushed past him abruptly, the girl’s trunk banging into Remus’s.

 

   “Sorry!” the girl cried, but didn’t stop. Remus pulled his trunk closer to him.

 

   “It’s oka–kay,” he said. The boy glanced back at him and sneered. Remus sank in on himself. He turned away quickly and opened the next compartment that looked empty.

 

 A pair of boys stopped laughing abruptly, looking up at him. Remus felt his face go hot and he regretted opening the door at all.

 

   “Hullo!” said one boy of the two boys inside, a bespectacled boy his age with caramelly skin and a mop of thick, messy hair. “Were you looking for a compartment?”

 

   “Y–y–yes,” Remus stuttered. He dropped his gaze hastily, trying not to wince.

 

   “You can join us then,” said the other boy, and Remus looked back up. He had curious eyes, a stormy gray instead of any color filled the irises. “What’s your name?”

 

   “R–Remus Lupin,” he answered. He tried to keep back the wince.

 

   “Come on in, then, R–Remus,” the boy in glasses said with a grin – Remus couldn’t help but shrink at the mockery of his speech, even though it sounded good-natured. The boy scooted over on his bench and patted the seat. “My name’s James. A couple of wanna-be-Slytherins just left, so anyone’s welcome after that.”

 

   “That w–wouldn’t happen t–to be that ginger g–girl and her friend?” Remus asked. He did wince, his tongue failing him at even the simplest of sentences.

 

   “Yeah,” James said.

 

   “You don’t have to be sad about your stutter,” said the other boy, startling Remus. “My brother used to have the worst stutter, our nanny taught him how to get rid of it. Don’t remember how, though, sorry.”

 

 Remus felt his face flush again. He pulled his trunk completely into the compartment, not knowing how to respond to that. The luggage rack about James was empty, so Remus quickly lifted his trunk and shoved it out of the way.

 

   “Thanks,” Remus said, dropping onto the bench next to James. He clasped his hands in his lap, his gaze on the floor.

 

   “You want to play Exploding Snap, Remus?” James asked.

 

 Remus looked up. James was still smiling at him. “Sure,” he said and managed a smile back.

 

   “Awesome, I was just about to teach Sirius here how to play poker with it,” James said, pointing to the boy with gray eyes. Sirius was a funny name, Remus decided, funny enough to go with the thin gray eyes.


	37. thirty-seven

_ August 4th, 1978, 11:38pm, a bar in Bristol _

_ Sirius _

 

“I am NOT drink!”

 

“You mean drunk.”

 

“Yes! Wait, no!”

 

“You are very drunk, love.”

 

“I am not think as you drunk I am.”

 

“Point proven,” James said in a sigh.

 

Sirius chuckled to himself as he watched the exchange. Remus snorted softly beside him. Lily wriggled out of James’s arms and darted back to the bar.

 

“Another round of shots, good sir!” she called, maybe a bit too loudly. 

 

“I'm a girl,” said the bartender.

 

“Oops! Sorry. You're very pretty, you know.”

 

“I'm not giving you free drinks.”

 

“I don't care! James! James, come be rich!”

 

“Lils, for the last time, I am not rich. My parents are rich. I'm a temp.”

 

“I still don't care!” Lily flung her arms around James’s neck and shoved her hands into his mop of curls, making it an even worse mess.

 

“I spent so long fixing his hair!” Sirius sighed.

 

“I have an excellent idea,” Lily said.

 

“We should go home?” James suggested.

 

“No!” Remus moaned softly. Sirius grinned at him.

 

“You're fucking adorable,” Lily declared to Remus. Remus beamed back at her. “But no! That is not my idea!”

 

“What is your idea, then?” James sighed.

 

“You and me should get married.”

 

Sirius’s eyebrows shot up and Remus opened his eyes. James stood there with an open mouth, looking at a spot just above Lily’s head.

 

“I was not expecting that,” James muttered.

 

Lily pressed a kiss to his mouth and jumped away from him, back to the bartender who was pouring shots.

 

“We're getting married!” Lily announced to the entire bar. The entire bar cheered; Sirius let out a whoop because of peer pressure.

 

“I haven't even said yes yet!”

 

“You will, you've been in love with me for 8 years.”

 

“Well, yes, but this isn't fair!”

 

“Why not?” Lily demanded, swaying a little where she stood. “What's not fair?”

 

“Because -- well -- Sirius!”

 

“What?” Sirius and Lily said simultaneously.

 

James darted over to where Remus and Sirius were sitting; rather, where Remus was sitting on Sirius. “Gimme the thing!” 

 

Confused, Sirius asked: “What thing?”

 

“You know,  _ the _ thing!”

 

James raised his eyebrows, giving Sirius a pleading gesture. Sirius frowned for a second, then James pointed at his left hand and mouthed something.

 

“I can't read lips,” Sirius said in answer.

 

“Ring!” James hissed. In the background, Lily started talking about floral arrangements with the bartender. Sirius frowned harder, then gasped.

 

“Oh  _ that _ thing!”

 

He dug around in his pocket for a second, then pulled out a small bag, which he held out to James, who snatched it and darted away.

 

“Remind me why you were carrying the engagement ring?” Remus mumbled.

 

“Because James was liable to lose it,” Sirius answered.

 

“Then why didn't I have it?”

 

“Because you're liable to forget to carry it everywhere while James made up his mind on how to pop the question.”

 

“Fair point,” Remus mumbled back. 

 

“... but if I do have lilies, it would severely piss off my sister, and anything that pissed off my sister is good with me,” Lily said.

 

“Lily!” James called.

 

“Yes, dear?” Lily answered: she turned around and stumbled into a stool. James grabbed her hands to steady her. 

 

“The reason that this isn't fair is because I had a plan,” said James.

 

“What,” Lily said, her face blanking.

 

James lowered himself to one knee. “Lily,” he began.

 

Lily let out an incomprehensible squeal.

 

“I have been in love with you for 8 years,” he said.

 

Lily squealed again, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

 

“And I expect that I'll be in love with you for the next 80 years, in fact, until the end of time,” said James, completely calm while Lily grinned stupidly and bounced up and down, which Sirius thought was quite impressive. James took the ring out of the small bag that had been its home for nearly a month and held it up to her. “So if you'll have me, will you marry me?”

 

“Yes!” Lily squeaked, almost inaudible. “Yes, yes, yesyesyesyes!”

 

Sirius and Remus whooped and clapped along with the rest of the bar while James put the ring on Lily’s hand. The bartender wiped away a tear.

 

“We're actually getting married!” Lily squealed. 

 

“Excellent idea,” Remus murmured. “Yknow, we should do that one day.”

 

“Did you just propose to me?” Sirius asked.

 

“No,” Remus yawned. “That was just a suggestion. 

 

Sirius kissed his forehead. “I'll keep that in mind.”


	38. thirty-eight

_December 15 th, 1973, 10:42p.m._

_Sirius_

“Hey – stop freaking out, it’s just me. Are you going home for Christmas?”

 

 Sirius dropped his weight onto the sofa behind Remus, which made his friend jump again. “Twitchy, are you?”

 

   “What?” Remus said, turning in his seat with pink cheeks. It was honestly the cutest thing Sirius had ever seen.

 

 Giving himself a mental shake, Sirius repeated his question. “Are you going home for Christmas?”  


   “Erm, well, no,” Remus said, frowning a little. “I mean, I don’t even celebrate Christmas, remember, my mum’s Jewish. Wh–why?”

 

  “Just curious,” Sirius said, then jumped over the back of the sofa and landed next to Remus, making the wolf-boy jump again. “Merlin, Remus, what’s gotten into you?”

 

 Remus flushed. “N–nothing,” he said. Sirius leaned in, pursing his lips and examining Remus’s face closely. Remus leaned back.

 

   “You snogged Dorcas Meadows on the full moon,” Sirius decided.

 

 Remus’s shoulders deflated and he cocked his head at him, raising an eyebrow patronizingly. “Are you still going on about that?”

 

   “Yes,” Sirius decided, grinning. “You’ve got a penchant for snogging girls on the full moon.”

 

   “One of these days, you’re just not going to wake up,” Remus told him.

 

   “Really, now?” Sirius laughed. He leaned back and unfolded his legs onto Remus’s lap, dropping his boots onto Remus’s book. “Try me.”

 

 Remus shoved Sirius’s feet off his book. “You’d better be glad there was no mud on those shoes,” Remus warned, flicking an invisible fleck of dust off his book.

 

 Sirius rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Hey, have you actually snogged Dorcas Meadows?”

 

   “No, not on the full moon, not under the new moon, not under any moon,” Remus said, returning to his book.

 

   “Not even under the waning crescent moon while it’s in Venus?” Sirius gasped. “My, you really do avoid the moon!”

 

 Remus looked at him with an expression of distaste. “Ha, ha,” he said dryly.

 

 Sirius laughed and an idea struck him. Sitting up, he declared: “Moony!”

 

   “What?” Remus said.

 

   “Your name is now Moony,” Sirius decided, then he tapped Remus on the nose and jumped up. Remus snorted rather like a dog would and Sirius flounced away to find Dorcas Meadows and ask her if she ever snogged anyone under the full moon. As he left, Remus touched his nose and flushed.


	39. thirty-nine

_February 14 th, 1976, 10:57a.m._

_Remus_

 

For the first time in quite a while, Remus was eating breakfast alone. He didn’t know where any of his friends were, because even Peter had a Valentine’s Day date in Hogsmeade that day. Even bloody Peter, Remus thought to himself as he rather morosely took a bite out of his toast.

 

   “You look cheery.”

 

 Remus looked up and gave a half-hearted wave to Lily as she dropped down across from him, her Prefect badge glinting in the light from the windows.

 

   “Hi,” he said dully.

 

   “What’s the matter with you?” Lily asked, serving herself coffee and eggs as she frowned at him.

 

 Remus shrugged. Maybe it was because he was by himself, on Valentine’s Day, or maybe it was the fact that the next night was the full moon, or maybe it was the fact that his friends all had dates. Perhaps it was the fact that Sirius was out with Marlene McKinnon.

 

   “You look absolutely dreadful,” Lily said.

 

   “Thanks,” Remus told her. “I love being informed of how horrible I look.”

 

   “I mean, you look miserable,” she corrected. “Really, really miserable. What happened? Did a girl turn you down?”

 

  _The exact opposite_ , Remus found himself thinking. “No,” he said, which was sort of the truth. “No, it’s nothing.”

 

   “Well, nothing looks like it’s breaking your heart,” Lily said. “Are you alright?” She rose in her seat a little and, leaning over the table, pressed her palm to his forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

 

   “Thanks, mum,” he said.

 

   “Where are Potter and Black?” Lily asked. “I’ve half a mind to interrogate them about who’s broken you.”

 

   “No one broke me,” Remus insisted. “Besides, you hate James.”

 

   “On principle,” Lily reminded him, looking around. “Where are they, anyway?”

 

   “Hogsmeade,” Remus answered. “James is with Emily Perkins, Sirius and Peter are on a double date with Marlene and Dorcas.”

 

 Lily wrinkled her nose. “Really?”

 

   “Believe it or not,” Remus said, waving his toast contemptuously. “It’s true. It was Marlene’s idea, too.”

 

 Lily let out a soft _hmm_ and picked up her fork. “Well, have you got a date waiting on you?”

 

   “Nope,” Remus said bitterly.

 

 Lily stabbed her eggs with her fork, then gave a determined nod. “You do now,” she decided.

 

   “What,” Remus said blankly as Lily dug into her eggs.

 

   “Me,” she said, her cheeks bulging from the scrambled eggs. “It’ll be fun, Remus, come on.”

 

   “James would murder me,” Remus told her. “I know he says he’s over you, but he’s not even fooling himself.”

 

   “I’ll murder him before he murders you,” Lily said with a dismissive wave. “Don’t worry.”

 

 Remus gaped at her. “Are you legitimately saying this?”

 

 Lily shrugged. “Why not?”

 

 Remus blinked several times. He looked at his toast, then at her, then automatically to his right at where – where Sirius was, for once, not sitting.

 

   “Why not,” he said, looking at the empty seat.

 

   “Excellent!” Lily squealed. “Quick, finish your toast and we’ll head out.”

 

   “Be patient,” Remus grumbled, deliberately reaching for a jam jar and a second piece of toast.

 

   “Come on, I want to get to Honeydukes before all the raspberry chocolate truffles are sold,” she whined.

 

 Remus raised an eyebrow. Lily colored slightly, then muttered under her breath: “I like them, don’t judge me.” He rolled his eyes and slathered jam onto his toast, then stood, grabbing a napkin for the go.

 

   “Come on then,” he said, taking a bite out of the toast as Lily clapped her hands and jumped to her feet. At the end of the table, Lily darted to his side and snaked her arm around his elbow, trapping the hand not holding toast. Remus looked down at his arm wrapped in hers and shrugged.

 

   “We’ll do all the gross couple things,” Lily said, “except Madam Puddifoot’s. I refuse to set foot in that place ever again.”

 

   “Again?” Remus asked.

 

   “Don’t ask,” Lily warned him. Remus raised his eyebrows and took a confused bite of toast.

 

    “Permission slips,” said Pringle, his lazy glass eye trailing on Remus’s toast. Lily lifted her lapel and showed him her Prefect badge. Pringle’s real eye flicked to it, he squinted, and made a grunt.

 

   “Is that a yes?” Remus asked.

 

   “Next!” Pringle said instead. Lily tugged Remus forward.

 

   “Don’t question it,” she hissed in his ear; her breath made his spine shiver.

 

   “Right,” he muttered. He took another bite out of his toast.

 

   “So, Black, Potter, they’re all in the village already?” Lily asked casually.

 

 Remus hesitated, his mouth full of toast. He swallowed, then wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. Lily gave him a judgmental look. He returned it, raising an eyebrow.

 

   “You’re asking about James?”

 

 She flushed. “I am not! I want to be sure we don’t run into them.”

 

   “Sure,” Remus said, looking away. “They’re there already.”

 

   “Good,” she said, tightening her arm on his. “Good.”

 

 Remus looked at her out of the corner of his eye. Her cheeks were still pink.

 

   “Y’know, I thought you were going out with Benjy Fenwick?” Remus asked her, just as casually as she had been moments before. He popped the final bit of his toast into his mouth.

 

   “More like dancing around each other,” Lily sighed. “I think he’s here with Lila Williams this weekend.”

 

   “Really?” Remus asked. “Are you using me as revenge?”

 

   “Sure,” Lily snorted. “And you’re doing the same.”

 

 Remus didn’t reply, looking away and coloring a little. It had crossed his mind what Sirius would say if he saw the two of them together, walking arm in arm. Sirius wouldn’t say anything, however, and Remus wouldn’t mind, because there was nothing between them but friendship and that was how it was going to stay.

 

   “Remus?” Lily asked.

 

   “So, raspberry truffles?” he said. “As your pseudo-boyfriend, am I expected to buy you any?”

 

   “Are you using me to make someone jealous?”

 

   “Truffles, Lily. We are discussing truffles.”

 

 Lily stopped in the middle of the road and grabbed his other arm. “You are, aren’t you?” she asked, more than a touch of delight in her voice. “You fancy someone unavailable!”

 

   “I fancy no one,” Remus assured her falsely, no, truly. Remus did not fancy anyone, especially not his best mate.

 

   “Who is it?” Lily demanded.

 

   “No one,” Remus insisted, pulling his arms from her grip and continuing down the road. “Did you want those truffles or not? I’ll buy you a box if you like, I’ve got some extra pocket money from tutoring.”

 

   “You can’t bribe me,” Lily told him, catching up and curling her arm around his again.

 

   “How about a box of the raspberry truffles and a box of the strawberry coconut? I’ve been wanting to try those for a while.”

 

   “Remus!” Lily whined.

 

   “Lily, drop it,” he snapped. “There is no one, I am not interested in a single soul, not a girl in school interests me.”

 

   “I knew it!” she gasped.

 

 Remus froze.

 

 Lily was gaping at him, the corners of her mouth tilted towards her eyes. “I knew it!” she repeated.

 

   “Know what?” he asked cautiously.

 

   “Never mind,” she said, her mouth falling into a smirk. “Like you said, you’re interested in none of the girls at school.” She lifted her arm from his and started to float down the path, her hair swishing behind her. Remus stood dumbstruck for a second, then his brain jerked into gear and he darted after her.

 

   “What do you know?” he asked her nervously. “There’s nothing to know, absolutely nothing at all!”

 

   “Sure, Remus,” Lily said, smirking all the while.

 

   “Lily!” he protested.

 

   “You said yourself, there’s nothing to know,” she said, her voice triumphant.

 

   “Lily, this is serious!” Remus hissed, grabbing her hand and pulling her to a stop. “I swear, if you think what I think you’re thinking, it’s not true, I’m – I’m not…”

 

   “Not interested in the new Ancient Runes teacher?” Lily asked, her smirk growing.

 

 Remus dropped her hand. He blinked. And burst out laughing. Lily’s smirk turned into a frown very quickly, her pale brows knitting together in her befuddlement. “What?” she asked. “What’s so funny?”

 

   “Never mind,” Remus said, so relieved was he that she hadn’t guessed about his more-than-platonic (yet easily squashable) feelings for Sirius, that he didn’t care that she thought him into cougars. He started walking again, now shaking his head as he continued chuckling, and Lily threaded her arm through his once again.

 

   “You don’t like Professor Babbling, then?” Lily asked him, her brows still knit together.

 

   “No,” Remus said pointedly, still laughing.

 

   “But – you’re always so spaced out when we leave Runes?”

 

   “So, you thought I fancy the teacher?” Remus laughed. “Nothing else occurred to you?”

 

   “But if it isn’t that…” Lily trailed off, frowning and apparently thinking very hard. “I have no clue, are you gay or something?”

 

 Remus froze, his relieved grin switching to horror instantaneously. Lily gasped and clapped her hands over her mouth, staring at him in shock.

 

   “You’re gay?” she whispered through her fingers.

 

   “No?” Remus said hoarsely.

 

   “But – but – You went out with that Ravenclaw girl, Miranda, for three weeks last fall! And you dated Elizabeth Finch in fourth year! And – and –”

 

   “I’m not gay!” Remus hissed, grabbing her arm and tugging her forward. “I – I don’t know, I don’t think I am, anyway.”

 

   “But if you’re not –”

 

   “I am not gay!” Remus insisted. “Drop it!”

 

 Lily stared blankly ahead of them, and as the village came into sight, she whispered to him: “It’s okay, you know.”

 

 Remus clenched his jaw and said nothing.

 

   “I’d still be your friend if you were. If you are, I mean. I wouldn’t stop hanging around you.”

 

 He gave a jerking nod, looking around to see if anyone was in earshot. They stepped through a large brick archway, and Lily fell silent.

 

  “Morning, Evans, Lupin!” Arthur Weasley called to them, Molly Prewett waving from beside him. Remus waved back, not looking.

 

  “Are you okay?” Lily asked him in a whisper.

 

   “No,” he muttered, his eyes darting around.

 

   “Here,” Lily said, tugging him in a direction. “Let’s go in here.”

 

 Remus didn’t have a chance to read the sign above the doorway of the building she pulled him into, but instantly recognized it as Madam Puddifoot’s by the confetti and glitter covering every surface. Lily dragged him into a round booth and brushed away confetti from the table.

 

   “I thought…?”

 

   “The tables have Privacy Charms on them,” Lily told him. “Listen, are you okay?”

 

 She reached across the table and took one of his hands in both of hers, her face greatly concerned.

 

   “I’m – I don’t know,” Remus muttered. “I’m confused.”

 

   “There’s nothing wrong with you, you know,” Lily whispered. “It’s completely natural.”

 

   “Natural?” Remus muttered.

 

   “You’re not going to hell, or anything. I’ve read the Bible back to front, and –”

 

   “I’m into religion, Lily,” Remus told her. “Kind of goes with the witchcraft.”

 

   “Well, my dad’s… He’s a Bible-thumper, y’know, and even he doesn’t think gay people go to hell automatically – I mean, he thinks they go to hell if they have gay sex, but they can get into heaven if they abstain –”

 

   “I don’t believe in heaven or hell,” he told her.

 

 Lily closed her mouth, looking unsure of herself. “Okay,” she said. “Well, there’s that.”

 

   “I’m not gay, either,” he repeated. Maybe if he said it over and over, it would be true. “I do like girls.”

 

   “But…” Lily started, then stopped. Remus shrugged. He stared at his hand covered by both of hers, they were much smaller than his hands, he noticed. “I don’t mind,” she said again. “I’ll still be your friend.”

 

   “Thank you,” he murmured.

 

Lily patted his hand, her eyes all soft and her lips turned up at the corners.

 

   “Remus!”

 

 Remus gave a jump at the sound of his name, then, spotting the long black hair and crooked grin, he yanked his hand away from Lily’s. Sirius, Marlene, Peter, and Dorcas stopped outside their booth.

 

  “Budge up!” Sirius told him, dropping down next to Remus automatically. Remus shifted away from him as soon as possible, ending up on the other side with Lily.

 

   “You didn’t tell us you had a date,” Peter said as Marlene and Dorcas got in next to Sirius.

 

   “Yeah, ‘specially not that you had a date with Evans,” Sirius said, elbowing Remus in the ribs – Remus scooted a little further away from him, not making eye contact. “James’ll kill you, y’know.”

 

   “It’s not –” Remus started, but Lily interrupted him.

 

   “James will get over it,” she said, curling her arm around Remus’s. “I’m sure he’ll understand that Remus and I are happy together.”

 

 Sirius blinked. Remus blinked. Sirius and Peter exchanged looks. Remus looked at Lily, his eyebrows raised. Lily raised her own, smiling at him, then flicked her eyes at Sirius and mouthed: _“I know.”_ She patted his hand encouragingly. Remus colored, his heart sinking. Was it that obvious?

 

   “You’re actually together?” Marlene asked.

 

   “Yes,” Lily said.

 

 Remus ducked his head, pasting on a smile.

 

   “How long has this – erm, this thing been going on, then?” Sirius asked, sounding distinctly uncomfortable.

 

   “A few weeks,” Lily said. “We’re celebrating one month next Tuesday.”

 

 Sirius looked at Remus, though he avoided his friend’s gaze. “Really?” Sirius asked. He sounded disappointed in Remus.

 

   “Yep,” Lily told them brightly.

 

   “We shouldn’t have intruded,” Dorcas said hastily. “We can go –”

 

   “No, no, stay,” Remus said. “It, um, it might cushion the blow to James’s ego.”

 

 Sirius was frowning at Remus, his slanted eyes narrowed and his lips pursed. Remus glanced at Lily, trying to put up a happy and loving smile. Lily copied it, though more effectively.

 

   “You’re all coupley,” Marlene said, wrinkling her nose. “Gross.”

 

   “You came in here on a double date,” Lily reminded her. Marlene shrugged.

 

   “Fair point.”

 

 Peter was looking at Remus with an expression of displeasure, almost identical to Sirius’s, but a bit more subtly than their friend.

 

   “So, how is your Valentine’s going so far?” Lily asked the two other girls.

 

   “Wonderful,” Dorcas sighed. “Peter two bought me a rose and chocolates!” She pulled the rose from her coat, smiling widely.

 

   “He got me a bag of dung bombs,” Marlene said gleefully, jerking her head towards Sirius. Sirius shrugged.

 

   “Romantic,” Lily said dryly.

 

   “What’s your lovely beau gotten you, then?” Marlene countered.

 

   “We just got here,” Remus muttered.

 

   “He doesn’t have to buy me anything, though,” Lily said hastily. “We’re taking it slow.”

 

   “I’ll get you chocolates,” Remus told her.

 

   “Yeah, and steal half of them,” Sirius snorted.

 

   “That’s called sharing,” Lily told Sirius stiffly, sticking her nose in the air.

 

 Sirius snorted again. “Stealing,” he said.

 

   “It’s not stealing, he’s my boyfriend,” Lily insisted.

 

 Sirius’s smile soured a little, and he shrugged. “Whatever.” Remus stared at the tabletop, watching bits of glitter and confetti fall slowly onto it. A server came and the six of them ordered, Lily requesting a slice of chocolate cake which she stated she was going to share with Remus. She was really laying it on thick, he thought. Their tea and pastries came, and Remus kept staring at the tabletop. Two people appeared in the reflection and he looked up. He felt his face pale.

 

  “’Sup,” James said, grinning at Lily. Emily Perkins did not smile. Lily said, nothing, instead sipped at her tea and then dropped her head onto Remus’s shoulder. James’s grin dropped instantly. Remus took a long gulp of tea.

 

   “Well, there’s not really room for all of us,” Sirius said. “Marlene, how about you and I go visit the Shrieking Shack?”

 

   “Wonderful,” Marlene said. “Are we going to shag in the bushes or have a smoke?”

 

   “You pick,” Sirius said emotionlessly, waving to Peter to get out.

 

   “You know, we should go and visit Gladrags,” Dorcas said to Peter. “I need a new set of chimes.”

 

   “Excellent idea!” Peter said, getting out hastily. “See you, Remus!”

 

 Marlene, Dorcas, and Peter started for the door. Sirius hesitated as he got out of the booth, then turned and met Remus’s eye before Remus could look away. His eyes, normally bright and cheery, were cold. Remus dropped his gaze, and Sirius left.

 

   “Let’s sit down,” Emily Perkins told James. James dropped into the booth, sliding in to sit near Remus, but far enough away that he could face him. Emily blinked slowly, then sighed and took the end seat.

 

   “How is your afternoon going, Emily?” Lily asked politely.

 

   “Wonderfully,” Emily said dryly. “I got a thorough tour of Quality Quidditch Supplies just now.”

 

   “Sounds like a, erm, a fun outing,” Lily said.

 

   “It wasn’t,” said Emily, her mouth set in a firm frown. Remus hazarded a glance up, but James was still looking at him with an expression usually reserved for the Slytherins.

 

   “Have you been to Honeydukes’?” Lily asked. “I’ve heard they’ve got a sculpture of Hogwarts made entirely of chocolate.”

 

   “Haven’t had a chance,” Emily said, looking at James unhappily.

 

   “You know, if you’re just going to complain about everything we do, maybe you shouldn’t have come,” James snapped.

 

   “I’m beginning to regret it,” she snapped back.

 

   “Then go find Robert or whoever that bloke you keep talking about is,” James told her angrily. “Stop whining to me about him!”

 

   “I will!” Emily said sharply. “And you can keep mooning over Evans, or complain now that she’s taken!”

 

 Emily jumped up, straightening her handbag on her shoulder. She gave a sniff, stuck her nose in the air, and marched away.

 

   “Lovely weather,” Lily said, staring out the window.

 

   “What gives?” James asked gruffly.

 

   “N–nothing gives,” Remus mumbled, not looking at him.

 

   “I heard it was supposed to snow this weekend, but it looks like clear skies,” Lily remarked.

 

   “There’s a code, mate!” James hissed. “You’ve broken the code!”

 

   “I think I’ll pop off to the loo,” Lily said. “You boys work this out,” she gave Remus a look, her eyebrows raised, then slipped out of the booth.

 

 Remus hesitantly raised his eyes. James was full on glaring at him now.

 

   “Okuh–kay, listen, it isn’t wh–what you think –”

 

   “What, you’re not dating the girl I’ve fancied since first year?” James asked. “Is it something else? Are you trying to pull some cruel prank on me?”

 

   “N–no, you’ve got t–to un–un–understand –”

 

   “Oh, I understand, alright!” James snapped. “You’re betraying your friendship with me for a girl, right? Let me guess, it was all those late-night patrols!”

 

   “J–j–James, pl–please –”

 

   “Please, what?” James demanded.

 

   “Let me fucking talk!” Remus burst out.

 

 James felt silent. Remus swore very little, and only when he was upset. James knew that.

 

   “I am not d–dating Lily,” Remus spat out. “She’s pretending b–because I f–f–fancy someone else.”

 

   “You expect me to believe that?” James asked incredulously.

 

   “Y–yes!” Remus said, exasperated. He clapped his hands to his temples, frustrated at himself and James and Lily and his bloody tongue that couldn’t operate under pressure. For a second, James said nothing. Remus glanced up, seeing James biting his lip as he glared at the table.

 

   “Who?” James said, his teeth gritted.

 

   “I c–can’t say,” Remus muttered.

 

   “Because there isn’t anyone else, is there?” James spat.

 

   “Sirius!” Remus spat back.

 

 James’s jaw slackened. Remus glared into his tea, spotting a clump of glitter in it.

 

   “Oh.”

 

   “Oh,” Remus repeated mockingly.

 

   “ _Oh…_ ”

 

   “No need to apologize,” Remus told him darkly.

 

   “I’m sorry,” James said instantly. “I shouldn’t – I was wrong to assume – I mean, it did look an awful lot like you and Lily were a thing but… Oh…”

 

 Remus nodded.

 

   “Did you work it out, then?” Lily asked, dropping back down beside Remus. She leaned in and kissed Remus’s cheek for show.

 

   “You can stop that, now,” Remus said. “I fessed up.”

 

   “Oh,” Lily said, much in the same way James had.

 

 Remus stared miserably into his glittery tea. He pulled out his wand and siphoned off the glitter, then took a long gulp.

 

   “Erm,” James said.

 

   “Err,” Lily echoed.

 

   “Yep,” Remus muttered.

 

 Lily glanced at James. James tried to meet her eye, and she looked away.

 

   “We should, erm, we should go,” Lily said. “I think Potter ought to go and apologize to Perkins.”

 

   “I’m not apologizing to her,” James said instantly.

 

   “You were horrible to her,” Lily argued. “She deserves an apology!”

 

  “Well, she was no picnic either,” James snapped. Remus drained the last of his tea as Lily retorted, then slipped under the table and crawled out of the booth.

 

   “Remus!” both Lily and James called after him.

 

   “I’m going to Honeydukes’,” he said. “Feel free to keep squabbling.” He made his way to the door, opening it and stepping out into crisp air. The door chimed behind him and Lily stepped out, grabbing his hand and lacing her fingers through his.

 

   “You okay, luv?” Lily asked.

 

   “Yep,” Remus lied. “Peachy.”

 

  “Let’s get you chocolate,” she said, tugging on his arm. “Come on.”

 

 Remus glanced down the street, and saw Sirius and Marlene in the distance, Marlene riding on Sirius’s back. He turned away, letting Lily tug him away.

 


	40. forty

_February 14 th, 1976, 11:34a.m._

_Sirius_

 

“So, we’re certainly a pair,” Marlene said dryly. Sirius held her hand tightly, pulling her away from Madam Puddifoot’s as fast as he could. Dorcas waved to them as she and Peter started in the opposite direction; Marlene waved back. She looked back at Sirius, then poked him in the side.

 

   “Ow!” Sirius said, though it hadn’t really hurt.

 

   “You’re pissed,” she said.

 

   “Yes,” he answered.

 

   “One guess.”

 

   “No.”

 

 Marlene adopted a faux thoughtful expression. “Could it possibly the fault of our dear friend Lupin?”

 

   “Shut up,” Sirius grumbled, but his cheeks were warming.

 

   “Don’t lie to me,” Marlene said, abruptly pulling her hand from his and elbowing him. “We’re in the same boat, you and me.”

 

    “No, we’re not, you and Dorcas get to snog when no one’s looking.”

 

    “Well, yes, but we’re both bloody queers, right? Same boat.”

 

    “Except you fancy someone who fancies you back,” Sirius reminded her. “Now Lily’s hanging all over Remus like she owns him.”

 

 Marlene sniffed. “I think you’re a fool, Black.”

 

   “Personally, I don’t give a damn what you think.”

 

   “A bloody fool who’s bloody –”

 

   “Marls, I swear, if you say it one more time –”

 

   “Queer,” Marlene said, smiling. Sirius growled and stormed away, heading for the Shrieking Shack in the distance. Marlene caught up with him, and, throwing her arms around his neck, leapt onto his back.

 

   “Onward, horsey!” she shouted.

 

   “Are you kidding me right now?” Sirius grumbled, locking his arms around her knees. “I hate you.”

 

   “I don’t give a fuck, take me to the Shrieking Shack and give me your cigs.”

   “I am not giving you the entire pack, Marlene, you know I have to ration those!”

 

   “Ration them later! We, sir, are at war!”

 

   “With who?” Sirius demanded. Several people were giving them funny looks, though Sirius wasn’t paying any attention to them.

 

   “The dreaded pirate Evans!” Marlene declared. “She’s stolen your beauteous love, and we must win the HMS Moony back!”

 

   “HMS Moony? Really?”

 

   “Stands for ‘Wholly Moody and Surly.’”

   “That would be WMS, though.”

 

   “Heavenly? I dunno, have you had a chance to snog ‘im yet?”

 

   “Marlene, I will drop you.”

 

   “Fine, fine, we’ll chat our plan of attack later.”

 

   “There is no plan of attack!” Sirius protested.

 

   “Yes, there is, we’ve got to win Moody Moony over.”

 

   “Dropping in three, two –”

 

   “No!” Marlene squealed, hugging him tightly. Sirius half choked. “Sorry.”

 

 Sirius huffed and hoisted Marlene further up his back. “Moony’s not into me, Marls, he’s into girls with flowing ginger hair. Let it go.”

 Marlene dropped her head onto her arm, looking Sirius in the ear. Sirius glanced at her, then shook his head. She was pouting.

 

   “What now?”

 

   “You know what would be excellent?” Marlene said. “If you two got together, we could go on proper double dates.”

 

   “We just did that.”

 

   “No, we went on a fake double date,” Marlene corrected. “Because Peter thinks Dorcas really is _his_ date and I’m really _your_ date.”

 

   “What’s the difference, then?”

 

   “The difference, my dear fellow, would be that if we went on a double date, Dorcas and I could sit on one side and hold hands under the table and you and Moony could sit on the other side and do the same, while over the table we could hold each other’s hands, and successfully play straight.”

 

   “That’s a nice idea, Marlene, go find me a bloke who isn’t pretending.”

 

 Marlene groaned and dropped her head onto the back of Sirius’s. “I give up,” she declared. “Put me down.”

 

   “No,” Sirius said, tightening his grip. “We’re playing straights, remember?”

   “In that case,” Marlene leaned in and pressed a big, sloppy kiss to his cheek. Sirius wrinkled his nose and wiped his cheek on her sleeve. She laughed at him.

 

   “So, were you and Dorcas secretly holding hands under the table?”

 

   “’Course.”

 

   “Lucky.”

 

 Marlene dropped her chin onto Sirius’s head, exhaling heavily. Sirius took a turn, taking the path down to the Shrieking Shack. He let Marlene down at the gate, then pulled from his jacket a packet of Marlboros. He shook out two and handed one to his friend, who stuck it between her lips and waited expectantly. Sirius flicked his wand and lit it for her, then lit his own. He took a long drag from it, then exhaled, letting his head fall back and eyes shut.

 

   “I think you should at least try to talk to him.”

 

   “And risk ruining our friendship? No fucking way.”

 

   “You could come out to him, see what he says.”

 

   “No, I’m not coming out to anyone. It’s bad enough you know.”

 

   “Hey, you offered that information voluntarily,” she reminded him.

 

   “I was drunk,” he reminded her. He took another drag and blew smoke from his nostrils, then rubbed at his eyes.

 

   “What if –”

 

   “Marlene, this is the last time I’m going to tell you to drop it.”

 

 She huffed, taking an angry puff off her cigarette. “Fine,” she grunted.

 

 Sirius stuck the cigarette between his lips, letting it droop from the corner of his mouth, and conjured a squashy beanbag. He dropped onto it and blew smoke from his lips.

 

   “You know why I told you I was a dyke, Black?”

 

   “Why?” he asked, not looking at her.

 

   “’Cause I had to tell someone. I had to tell someone I was falling in love with a friend, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be her.”

 

   “If you’re trying to bring up some important moral lesson –”

 

   “Just shut up, and listen, okay? There are some things that it’s not healthy to bottle up. This is one of them.”

 

   “Marls, I –”

 

   “Tell Peter or James. If you’re so hellbent on being miserable about this, tell someone else. It’ll give you a shoulder to cry on when I’m busy with Dorcas.”

 

   “Right,” Sirius snorted. “I’ll tell my mates that I’m bent. That’s a good plan.”

 

   “Come on, James’d take it well.”

 

   “You saw how he reacted to Remus and Lily.”

   “Because he’s in love with Evans,” Marlene pointed out. Sirius shrugged.

 

   “Peter’d be weird about it,” Sirius said. “He’d probably think I fancied him.”

   “Peter’s not that dumb,” Marlene snorted.

 

   “Yeah, I know.”

 

 Marlene went quiet. For a moment, the both of them just smoked in quiet, Sirius in his squashy beanbag, Marlene leaning on the fence.

 

   “You tell your parents yet?” Sirius asked.

 

   “Nope,” she answered. “They’re Anglican.”

 

   “What does that mean?”

 

   “Means they would not take it well,” Marlene said. “Plus, my dad’s going ‘round the bend. Dementia. I’m not adding to my mum’s plate like that. She’s already convinced that I’m going to hell.”

 

   “Would they kick you out?”

 

   “Dad might, if he was in his right mind. Yours?”

 

   “Guess we’ll never know,” Sirius said. He took another long puff, and flicked the bud into a snow heap; it hissed and let out a trail of smoke. “They’ll never find out.”

 

   “Hey, if you need a fake girlfriend, I’m available.”

 

   “Thanks,” he said, sighing. “But, they’re the worst sort. You’re Muggleborn. It’d probably be just as bad.”

 

 Marlene shrugged. “Lie, tell ‘em I’m Dumbledore’s lost great-great-granddaughter.”

 

   “Sure,” Sirius snorted. “Thanks.”

   “No problem,” Marlene said. She flicked her wand, and Sirius suddenly fell to the ground as his beanbag vanished.

 

   “Hey!” he shouted and Marlene took off running. “Get back here!”

 

   “Catch me if you can, Black!”

   “I’ll murder you in your sleep!”

 

   “You’ll have to dress in drag to get up to my dorm!”

 

   “I’ll risk it!” he screamed. She laughed and ran around the corner back to the village. Sirius grumbled a curse to himself and chased after her.


	41. forty-one

_December 16_ _ th _ _, 1977, 8:43_ _ p.m. _ _, the Gryffindor Common Room_

_Remus_

 

 

“MOONY, YOU HAVE PLANS FOR CHRISTMAS!”

 

 Remus, unconcerned, turned a page in his book. “I know I do, Sirius. It's a thing that tends to happen when you make plans.”

 

 Sirius flopped down onto the sofa next to Remus, flicking a strand of hair out of his face with a hand. “I mean you have plans with _me_ , Moony.”

 

   “I am spending Christmas at home,” Remus said. “With my ailing mother and aging father.”

 

 He intentionally did not say _“dying mother.”_

 

 Sirius huffed. “Fine, but at some point during Christmas hols, you and I are going to Bristol.”

 

 Remus finally looked up from his book. Sirius looked, well, serious.

 

   “Bristol?” he repeated. “What for?”

 

   “It's a surprise,” Sirius grinned. “Oh, and James and Evans are coming, too. Also a surprise. James is inviting Evans now.”

 

   “I don't like surprises,” Remus said with narrowing eyes. “What does this entail?”

 

 Sirius gave a noncommittal shrug. “Something exciting? Or, I dunno, domestic?”

 

   “Domestic?” Remus repeated in a splutter. “What does that mean?”

 

   “It's a surprise!” Sirius insisted.

 

 Remus narrowed his eyes again, wondering if he ought to threaten the truth from his lover or seduce it out of him.

 

   “Tell me and I'll do the thing you really like.”

 

 Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Which thing?” he asked cautiously.

 

 Remus raised his eyebrows. Sirius clapped his hands to his mouth dramatically. “Really?” he said in a squeaky voice.

 

   “Yes,” Remus said triumphantly. “What's the surprise.”

 

   “A surprise,” Sirius said, grinning.

 

 Remus groaned and let his head fall back against the sofa. Sirius chuckled to himself.

 

   “Tell me or I won't do any of the things for a month,” Remus said.

 

   “Empty threat,” Sirius answered, smirking. “You tried that before Halloween, remember? You didn't make it a day.”

 

   “I hate you, you know,” Remus said, going back to his book.

 

 Sirius flung an arm around his shoulders, leaning in with a grin. “I’ll give you a hint,” he said softly. A shiver went down Remus’s spine. “It involves something Great Uncle Algie left to me in his will.”

 

 Remus’s eyes unfocused on the page. Bristol, domestic, Great Uncle Algie’s will…

 

   “I don't get it,” he said, looking up. Sirius groaned.

 

   “Remus, work with me here,” Sirius said. He looked around and sighed. “Uncle Algie owned a flat in Bristol. It was part of his estate, which was left entirely to me.”

 

 Remus dropped his book. He gaped at Sirius, his eyes wide and jaw slack. Sirius slowly grinned.

 

   “You're not – You're n–not saying – Are y-you?”

 

   “Yeah,” Sirius whispered. “I own it. We can move in at the end of the year.”

 

 Remus stared, dumbstruck.

 

   “It's about two hours by train from your parents’ place,” Sirius said. “Two bedrooms, a full bath, a sitting room, and a kitchen. We could turn the second room into whatever you want, an office, a reading room, a – a nursery, one day?”

 

 Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand. He tugged him up off the sofa and towards the stairs to their dormitory, pulling him none too gently up the stairs. In their dorm room, he dropped Sirius’s hand and checked the beds. When he was satisfied that the room was empty, he shut and locked the door behind them.

 

   “Remus?” Sirius said.

 

 Remus shoved Sirius against the door, having no patience for finding one of their beds, and started to kiss him, his hands pushing into his hair and his body pressing firmly against Sirius’s.

 

   “I fucking love you,” Remus whispered in between kisses.

 

   “Is that a yes on the flat?”

 

   “Obviously,” Remus growled, then started tugging at his tie. “Come on, get your tie off. We're doing the thing.”

 

 Sirius was grinning as Remus pushed him towards his bed. “I can't wait to live with you, Remus.”

 

 Remus pulled Sirius tie off for him, still just as impatient. Sirius flopped onto the bed, then grabbed Remus’s face in a kiss.

 

   “I can't wait to fall asleep next to you every night and wake up to you every morning,” Sirius whispered. Remus felt a shiver slip down his spine. “I can't wait to pick out towels and sheets and assemble crappy furniture with you.”

 

   “I love you,” Remus murmured.

 

   “I love you, too,” Sirius answered with a grin.


	42. forty-two

_July 18 th, 1978, 11:24a.m., a newly rented flat in Bristol_

_Sirius_

 

Something disgustingly vibrant woke Sirius by stabbing him in the eyeballs with sharp rays of violent sunshine. He threw an arm over his eyes to block the assault coming from the window, highly regretting everything he’d ever done in his life as a wave of nausea crashed over him. His brain was still pulsing with the same drumbeat from the night before, aching horrifically. Every muscle in his body felt twisted and grotesquely strained to the point of biological self-destruct. He honestly felt as if he’d been hit by a bus, then eaten by a giant dog and shitted out the other side onto a frying pan. And the sun was intentionally shining in his face just to make his hangover worse.

 

   “Are you awake?”

 

 Sirius lifted his arm halfway, then groaned at the light and dropped it again. Remus was lying with his face buried in Sirius’s chest, his body almost on top of Sirius’s. Sirius rubbed at his eyes, then squinted up at the ceiling. His lips dropped in a frown, and for a second, Sirius was quite confused, having expected to see crimson drapery above them, but instead, there was a ceiling with faded floral wallpaper. He dropped his arm onto the bed and looked around, then remembered that he and Remus were no longer at Hogwarts, they were at their new flat in Bristol, and that they had graduated. It was a graduation party that he had to blame for his record-breaking hangover; they and a lot of their classmates had gone out the night before to celebrate their voyage into adulthood. He knew that he had gotten extremely drunk, at least. Much else, he wasn’t precisely sure of.

 

   “I am not awake,” Sirius muttered.

 

    “I held your hair back when you threw up last night,” Remus said – Sirius groaned again –, “so you get to make breakfast.”

 

 Sirius nodded vaguely, as he felt like opening his mouth would require Remus to hold his hair back again. “What time did we get here?” he asked after a minute.

 

   “Half past four,” Remus answered in a mumble. “I think Peter Side-Along Apparated us here.”

 

   “Really?” Sirius said, then covered his mouth with a hand. Remus seemed to take his sudden silence as falling back asleep, as he poked his chest.

 

   “He was the only one not drunk,” Remus muttered.

 

   “That seems like a brilliant idea now,” Sirius muttered under his hand.

 

   “Come on, go make breakfast,” Remus said, patting his chest in a manner that was probably meant to be encouraging but failed supremely.

 

   “Can’t I just call it in?” Sirius grumbled. “I’m sure there’s a takeout menu somewhere in here.”  


   “You really want to eat greasy pizza with a hangover?

 

   “Good point,” Sirius grunted. Remus gave his chest another pat, and Sirius heaved himself into a sitting position. He rubbed at his eyes, squinting still, then swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started for the door. “Eggs?”

 

   “No cheese.”

 

   “Got it.”

 

 Sirius made his way into the kitchen and opened the pristine fridge. For a second, he stared into its contents, realizing for the first time in his life something that had never been important before, but was suddenly very crucial.

 

   “Remus?” Sirius called.

 

   “If you’re not bringing me tea and breakfast, I’m not answering.”

 

   “I don’t know how to make eggs.”

 

 For a moment, there was silence. Then he heard soft footfalls, and his lover stepped into the kitchen.

 

   “You look like death warmed over,” Sirius commented at Remus’s tight curls sticking up in all directions, his eyes squeezed and gummy, his shirt buttoned up wrong.

 

   “You don’t know how to cook eggs?” Remus asked quietly.

 

 Sirius shrugged. “Never needed to before.”

 

 Remus rubbed at his face with both hands, then pushed back his hair and opened the fridge. “Put the kettle on,” he said.

 

   “There’s water in eggs?”

 

   “No, for tea, fool.”  


 Sirius chuckled. “You’re mean when you’re hungover.”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes at him as he set a handful of eggs on the counter. “Says the man who only moments earlier remarked that I look like death warmed up.”  


   “Warmed over,” Sirius corrected, leaning on Remus’s arm.

 

 Remus looked down at him with his eyes half shut. “You think you’re adorable, don’t you?”

 

   “I think I’m absolutely gorgeous,” Sirius said with a grin. Remus smiled slowly, his lips curling and the sunlight slipping into his eyes as his face light up, then he pressed a kiss to Sirius’s lips, his grin still growing.

 

   “You are adorable,” he murmured. Sirius slipped his arms around his waist, raising up on his toes a little to kiss his lover better.

 

   “I am fucking gorgeous,” Sirius told him sternly.

 

 Remus let out a laugh. “You’re precious.”

 

   “I am bloody sexy, dammit!”

 

   “You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen,” Remus teased.

 

   “Yeah, my cock is.”  


   “Well, while that is true, you are also lovely and soft,” Remus declared.

 

Sirius let out a belly laugh, dropping his head onto Remus’s shoulder while Remus laughed and hugged him tightly.

 

   “ _Ne me quitte pas, mon cher_ ,” Sirius chuckled.

 

   “What’s that mean?” Remus asked.

 

   “Don’t leave me, my dear,” Sirius said, not lifting his head.

 

   “Why would I ever do that? You don’t even know how to make eggs; I’m pretty sure you’d die on your own.”

 

 Sirius laughed again and dropped a kiss onto Remus’s shoulder, exposed by the wonky buttoning he’d done the night before.

 

   “Though, really, we do need to make eggs. I’m starved.”

 

   “You’re always starved,” Sirius said, “it’s like you’ve got the metabolism of a wolf.”  


 Remus set his hands at Sirius’s shoulders and pushed him back to look at him crossly. “I am ashamed of you,” he said.

 

   “Love you, too,” Sirius said.

 

 Remus rolled his eyes, then pulled a frying pan from a shelf above them. “Just go stand in the corner and look pretty while I cook, will you?”

 

   “Done,” Sirius said, taking a step back. Remus shot him a smile, then lit the stove with his wand.

 

   “I’m glad you’re so talented,” Remus said snarkily as he deftly cracked an egg with one hand.

 

 Sirius leaned on the counter and gave him a charming grin. “Of course, I am, Moony, what else would I be?”

 

 Remus snorted but smiled nonetheless. “Your hangover seems to be gone.”

 

   “So does yours. Hey, you wanna go fuck?”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes pointedly. “So eloquent, Sirius, dear, I’m very impressed. Let me just whip off all my clothes so that I can be consumed by you.” Remus cracked another egg into the pan.

 

   “For some reason, that sounded sarcastic,” Sirius mused.

 

   “Oh, no,” Remus said emotionlessly, smiling a little. “You’ve found me out.”

 

 Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus’s cheek. “You’re the adorable one,” he decided.

 

   “Does that make you the big strong man?”

 

   “No, it makes me the man who’s very much in love with you.”

 

 Remus ducked his head, his cheeks flushing. “You flatter me.”

 

   “Is it getting me into your pants?”

 

 Remus rolled his eyes for the ninth or seven-hundredth time. “What doesn’t get you into my pants, Sirius?”

 

   “Is that a challenge?” Sirius murmured.

 

   “Yes, Sirius, it is, find out what exactly turns me off so much that I wouldn’t let you into my knickers.”

 

   “Accepted! Wait…”

 

 Remus gave him a look. Sirius responded by stretching his lips in a leer and making his eyes bulge from their sockets. Remus laughed and shoved him away. “That!” he declared. “That would not get you into my pants.”

 

   “Aha!” Sirius declared, then jumped onto the counter. “Are the eggs done yet?”

 

  “Nope,” Remus answered. “But my headache is coming back.”  


 Sirius raised his wand. “ _Accio Hangover Potion!_ ”

 

 The cupboard door behind him flew open and struck him in the back of the head, then a bottle soared out as Sirius was swearing and landed gracefully on the little kitchen table.

 

   “Talent,” Remus snorted. Sirius shoved the cupboard shut.

 

   “Bloody pile of matchsticks,” Sirius grumbled, slipping off the counter and picking up the hangover potion. He cracked it, squinted at the label, then took an approximate swig. “Disgusting,” he said, smacking his lips.

 

 Remus took the bottle and poured his into a cup. “You, or the potion?”

 

   “The potion, obviously.”

 

 Remus gulped down the potion, shuddered, and set the bottle aside. He stirred the pan of half-cooked eggs with a spatula, adding salt and pepper from the rack above the stove. Sirius set himself on the table, his head falling to the side as he admired the view.

 

   “Your pajama trousers are too small,” Sirius commented.

 

   “I know,” Remus said. “I got dressed drunk last night.

 

   “I’m not complaining,” Sirius added, “it makes your ass look fantastic.”

 

 Remus turned and gave him a look. Sirius adopted the leering grin again which made Remus laugh and turn away. Sirius stepped forward and hugged his lover from the back, dropping his chin onto Remus’s shoulder.

 

   “Are they done yet?”

 

   “Just about,” Remus said. “You want to get plates?”

 

   “Yeah,” Sirius answered, letting his eyes fall shut. He felt very domestic in that moment, making breakfast with the boy he loved, man, he corrected; they had officially become adults. Lifting himself from Remus’s shoulders, he moved over to the china cabinet to take out two plates, from a set they’d picked out and bought together. Everything in the flat was something they’d picked out together. The thought made him smile.

 

   “What are you grinning about?” Remus asked, serving scrambled eggs onto a plate.

 

   “Us,” Sirius said. “You and me. Our home.”

 

 Remus flushed again, dropping his gaze as he smiled back. “Our home,” he repeated.

 

 Sirius kissed his nose, then slipped a finger under his chin to lift it and kissed his lips. “Our home,” he repeated in a whisper.

 

 Remus returned his soft smile, and someone knocked on their front door.

 

   “Oh, Padfoot, Moony! Open up!”

 

 Sirius threw his head back in a groan. “You’re always going to be cockblocking me, aren’t you, James?”

 

   “Oh, definitely. Now, let us in!”

 

 Remus raised his eyebrows at him, and Sirius sighed; he went to the door to let them in.

 

 Lily stepped in first, going to Remus and automatically attaching herself to his arm. James strode past Sirius and dropped onto the sofa.

 

   “Wait, you two haven’t shagged on this thing, right?” James asked, his face suspicious and his frame poised to jump at any second.

 

   “No,” Sirius said, and James relaxed into the cushions. “Not properly.”

 

 James stood up and strode back to the kitchen. “Smells good in here, Moony,” he said. “What’s for breakfast?”

 

   “Not alcohol,” Lily grumbled. Sirius walked back into the kitchen as James dropped into a chair.

 

   “James, your girlfriend is trying to steal my boyfriend from me,” Sirius said. “And we had sex on that table, too.”

 

   “Dammit, Sirius, is nothing sacred?!”

 

   “’M not stealing Remus,” Lily said. “James is too boisterous for this time of the morning.”

 

   “It’s nearly noon!” James protested.

 

 Remus gave James a look, then summoned a cup and poured some hangover potion for Lily, who took it gratefully.

 

   “Have you nothing better to do than interrupt a tender moment between my lover and I?” Sirius asked James.

 

   “Lover?” James snorted. “You make it sound like you’re a couple of old chaps who’re cheating on their wives.”

 

   “See, that’s what I initially thought, too,” Remus said.

 

 Sirius huffed, and attached himself to Remus’s other arm. Remus stood incapacitated with a spatula in one hand and a plate of eggs in the other. He did the natural thing, and gave the eggs to Lily.

 

   “Thank you,” Lily sniffed, and detached herself from Remus to sit at the table.

 

   “They did the nasty on that surface!” James reminded her.

 

   “So?” Lily asked. “We’re probably going to do it on our kitchen table at some point.”

 

 James looked scandalized and turned on at the same time. Sirius rolled his eyes.

 

   “Why did we think taking a flat across from them was a good idea?” he asked Remus.

 

   “This was your idea,” Remus reminded him. “Personally, I thought you and James should keep sharing and that Lily and I should room.”

 

   “That’s a great idea!” Lily said. “Why didn’t we do that?”

 

 James spread his arms in incredulity. “Duh!” he said.

 

  “Hush,” Lily told him, flapping a hand at him vaguely. “Are you making coffee?”

 

  “Sure,” Remus answered, turning to look at the stove. Then he gave Sirius a dark look. “You didn’t put the kettle on.”

 

 Sirius raised his shoulders. “Oops?”

 

   “It’s a good thing I can’t get enough of you,” Remus told him, putting the kettle on with a grumble. “Honestly, you don’t even know how to make eggs.”

 

 Lily looked up with a slack jaw, a bit of egg on her lower lip. “You don’t know how to cook eggs?” she demanded.

 

   “I never needed to!” Sirius defended himself, raising his hand into the air. “I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth!”

 

   “Mate, even I know how to cook eggs,” James scoffed.

 

   “Yes, but you’re not allowed, James, you’d burn water,” Lily told him.

 

 James scowled. “Remus, your wife is picking on me!” he protested.

 

   “When did we get married, Lily?” Remus asked with a sigh.

 

   “I think sixth year,” she answered. “After we pretended to go out the second time so MacMillan would stop ogling my ass.”

 

   “Was that why?” James demanded. “I’ll kill MacMillan!”

 

 Lily waved her fork at James dismissively. “Hush, you.”  


 James huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, but he hushed. Remus pulled more eggs from the fridge, then served the second portion of eggs and gave it to Sirius.

 

   “What about me!” James protested as Sirius took out a fork.

 

   “I am obligated to feed my lover and my wife, apparently,” Remus said. “Nothing about my wife’s boyfriend.”  


   “Lily, your husband is neglecting me,” James said.

 

   “I don’t care,” Lily answered. “You could use someone who doesn’t wait on you hand and foot.”  


 James gasped and clapped his hands to his mouth. “You horrible woman!” he declared.

 

 Lily gave him a look, then raised an eyebrow. He broke into a laugh. Sirius leaned in and whispered to Remus; “They’re worse than us, Moony.”  


   “I think that’s because we’ve been in the closet for three years,” Remus said. “I’m sure you be grossly affectionate if one of us was a girl.”

 

   “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” Sirius said. “The horror stories Lily has told me!”

 

   “Yes, being a girl is terrible!” Lily said, always willing to rant about menstruation and the wage gap.

 

   “Horrendous,” James agreed.

 

   “Dreadful,” Sirius said.

 

   “It’d put hair on anyone’s chest,” Remus answered. “James, your eggs.”  


 Lily let out a snort. “I think I’ve run out of things to tell you lot.”  


   “I’m sure you could always re-tell some old ones,” James told her, taking his plate from Remus. “I love the story about that shopkeeper from town who wouldn’t hire you because he worried you would get pregnant while on duty.”

 

   “I was fourteen!” Lily exclaimed.

 

   “You’d only gotten your period for the first time the year before,” Sirius agreed.

 

   “Not that that hurt your development,” James said, giving Lily a wink. “Girls do mature much faster than boys.” Lily rolled her eyes but smiled a little.

 

   “Besides, who would get you pregnant?” Remus asked. “You were fourteen and every man working in that shop was over twenty.”  


   “Exactly,” Lily said.

 

   “I love you,” James said, giving her a sappy grin.  She flushed, raising a hand to cover her broad smile.

 

   “No one could be worse than them,” Sirius decided.

 

   “No one,” Remus agreed.

 

   “We’re the sappiest!” James declared

 

   “You are,” Lily told him, but she was still blushing.

 

 James blew her a kiss. Her blush redoubled.

 

   “Yep,” Sirius said with a smile. “The sappiest in existence.” He was glad, though, that he still lived with (well, across the hall from) his best friend and brother in spirit. He made a sudden wish that they would never be parted, no matter what.


	43. forty-three

_September 23 rd, 1978, 1:07p.m._

_Remus_

Water droplets spattered into an already formed puddle, mud forming at the edges of the small divot in the unnaturally green sod. The water splashed and landed on the polished surface of his black dress shoes. He wore these exact shoes to Lily and James’s wedding. There was still a few petals from the cherry blossoms embedded in the tread of his left shoe. There was a hand clutching his, but his fingers were slack where theirs were tight.

 

   “Remus,” Sirius whispered. “Remus?”

 

 Sirius’s fingers tightened. Water slipped down his nose, then dripped off the end of it, landing in the puddle.

 

   “Remus, they’re going inside.”

 

 He nodded. “I know.”

 

  “Do you… Do you want to just stay here a while?”

 

 Remus nodded again. He couldn’t look up from his shoes, couldn’t face the cold, slab that was all that was left of his mother, the woman who raised him, she’d fought so hard, yet it hadn’t been enough. His jaw was tight and he didn’t know what to think; to be angry that after all the money spent on research and treatments, nothing had worked, or that for all the magic in the world, not even wizards had a cure for cancer.

 

   “Do you want an umbrella?”

 

 Remus almost nodded, but then shook his head. They were already soaked the bone, what was the point?

 

 Then Sirius slipped an arm around his waist, his head falling onto his shoulder. If it were any other day, Remus would have worried about the people around them, the stragglers still making their way to the reception, but at that point in time, Remus couldn’t be bothered with homophobia. Fear had kept him quiet for long enough.

 

   “I never told her,” he whispered.

 

   “I’m sorry, love.”

 

   “I’m sorry,” Remus murmured. “I’m so, so sorry, Mum.”

 

 Sirius went silent and Remus looked up at the headstone finally. “I should have said something, anything. I should have… I should have told you a long time ago, I should have bucked up and admitted it, I –…”

 

   “She’ll know now,” Sirius murmured. “She’s watching, I promise.”

 

 Remus raised a shaking hand and rubbed tears from his face; little good it did, with the rain pouring down just as hard as ever. “I’ve never believed in heaven,” he mumbled.

 

   “We all go somewhere. Wherever that is, she’s watching.”

 

 Remus just nodded, he knew Sirius was trying to comfort him. Sirius was always trying.

 

 He turned to face his lover, his arms going around Sirius’s waist; he buried his face in Sirius’s neck, his shoulders shaking with his tears. Sirius held him tightly, his arms locked around Remus’s back, one hand cradling his head.

 

   “It’s going to be okay, love,” Sirius murmured in his ear. “It’ll be okay.”

 

 With Sirius’s fingers softly stroking his hair, his voice whispering comfort in his ear, Remus’s sobs ran out. Sirius pressed a kiss to his cheek. “She loved you, Remus. She’d still love you.”

 

 Remus nodded. Then Sirius’s fingers stilled in his hair.

 

   “Your dad’s come back,” he whispered. Sirius’s arms loosened, but Remus tightened his. He heard his father’s voice calling for him, but couldn’t bring himself to answer. The calls were getting closer, feet falling in mud and soppy grass. He kissed Sirius’s neck, then lifted his head and, not making eye contact, slipped from his lover’s arms to turn around and face his father.

 

 His dad stopped in front of them, his hands in the pockets of his suit. Remus glanced at him, then copied his father’s stance, his lips pressed tightly together.

 

   “We’re, erm, we’re waiting for you,” his father said.

 

 Remus nodded, biting his lip. His dad glanced between them, then looked down at the ground between his feet.

 

   “Right,” said his father. “Erm… Right.”

 

 His dad turned around, and on impulse, Remus grabbed his arm.

 

   “Dad, wait.”

 

 His father stopped, turning and looking him square in the face with raised brows. Remus glanced down, then at Sirius, and cleared his throat.

 

   “I – I need to tell you something.”

 

   “Then tell me,” said his father gravely.

 

 Remus inhaled a shaky breath, nodding to himself as he dropped his father’s arm. “I – I should have said, t–to Mum, long ago, but…”

 

   “But?”

 

   “I guess that I was scared.”

 

   “Don’t be.”

 

 Remus looked at his father, whose level gaze never wavered. In a split second, Remus knew that at this point, the truth was only a formality. Perhaps it had been that way for a long time.

 

   “I’m – Sirius and I – We’re –”

 

   “I know,” his father said.

 

 Remus looked down at his feet.

 

   “I have eyes, son. Your mother and I both.”

 

 He looked up, his mouth falling open, but his father nodded. “Why – why would you never say anything?”

 

   “We knew that it was up to you to tell us,” his father said quietly. “We never wanted you to be in a position where we were interrogating you.”

 

 Remus rubbed at his eyes, feeling tears prickling at his eyes again. “I – I’m sorry that I never said, Dad,” he murmured brokenly. “I should have told you, you a–and Mum, you must have thought that I d–didn’t trust you with the truth – I’m sorry.”

 

 His father stepped forward and touched his shoulder. “It’s alright, son. We forgive you – I forgive you, your mother, she would have forgiven you.”

 

 His father’s voice broke, and Remus pulled his father into a hug. “Thank you, Dad.”

 

 His father squeezed his arms, then let go and stepped back, one arm staying around Remus’s shoulders. He sniffed, rubbed at his nose with the back of his hand and sighed. “Sirius,” he said. “C’mere, son. Family hug time.”

 

 Sirius gave a sad smile as he stepped to them, his arms going around both Remus’s shoulders and his father’s, the three of them standing in an awkward triangle hug, tears fresh on their faces.

 

   “You two listen to me,” Remus’s father said, his voice a contradiction of pain and delight. “There is nothing worse in the world than love lost for fear or hate. So, know that I will always be there to support you, always.”

 

   “Thank you, Dad,” repeated Remus thickly. “Thank you.”

 

 His father squeezed his shoulder, giving him a tearful smile. “Your mother would have been so happy to hear it, you know. She’s always liked you, Sirius.”

 

   “Thank you, sir,” Sirius murmured.

 

   “You’ll call me ‘dad’ now, too,” Remus’s father insisted. “No more pretense.”

 

   “Thank you,” Sirius said again.

 

 Remus’s father shook their shoulders. “We stick together, us Lupins,” he said.

 

 Sirius and Remus made eye contact, and Remus’s father smiled. “You and I both know, son, the moment you can, you’ll change your name.”

 

   “Yes,” Sirius said, now looking at him. “I guess so.”

 

 Remus’s father squeezed their shoulders again before letting go. “Come on,” he said quietly. “They’ll be waiting for us. I’ve – I’ve got to make a speech. Remus, if you’d like, you’re more than welcome to – to say something.”

 

   “Thanks, Dad,” Remus murmured. Sirius took his hand as his father turned around, walking out to the cars, waiting to take them to the reception.

 

   “He’s right,” Sirius said. “I’d take your name sooner than let you take mine.”

 

   “Why?” Remus asked. “Tradition has it –”

 

   “Fuck tradition,” Sirius said. “I’d rather be Sirius Lupin than Sirius Black.”

 

 Remus knew there was more, but he didn’t have it in him to press. He paused just before the gate to press a quick kiss to Sirius’s mouth. “I think Remus Black would sound much too macabre anyway.”

 

 Sirius just nodded. “I really do think your mum is watching, from wherever. And I’d think she’d be happy.”

 

 Remus squeezed his hand. It was a comforting thought, he just wished he believed in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i'm sure by now y'all have noticed that the main story is going through a dry spell. unfortunately, writer's block strikes us all sometimes, and for me the best way to deal with it is to leave it alone for a while and not force anything. i'm writing other stuff in the meantime, and atm it's lord of the rings modern au's, so pls forgive me._


	44. forty-four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _tbh i thought i posted this_ ages _ago i'm sorry guys (yes i'm still suffering writer's block BUT i've got half a chapter for the main story fingers crossed)_
> 
>  
> 
> _edit: turns out the numbering in my story file was wrong i DID post this chapter already soz my bad here's the actual forty-four_

_December 26 th, 1977, 11:07a.m._

_Remus_

“Remus, up you get, we’ve got guests!”

 

 Remus rolled over to press closer to the wall; Boxing Day was about sleeping in, and no one could convince him to get out of bed at any time before 2p.m., not even guests.

 

   “Remus, I’m going to serve brunch, and if you’re not downstairs in fifteen minutes, you’ll not have any bacon!”

 

   “Fine with me,” Remus half mumbled, half shouted back.

 

 He fell back into a daze, then he heard his door open.

 

   “Lemme sleeeep, muuum,” Remus groaned into his pillow.

 

 He heard a chuckle, not from his mother though, she must have sent his father after him. He heard the ladder to his bed creak, then weight on his mattress. Remus raised up a little, then a body flopped down beside him, nearly on top of him.

 

   “What –”

 

   “It’s rude to refuse your guests,” said Sirius quietly. “’Specially if one of them’s your lover.”

 

   “What are you doing here?” Remus asked. “I though’ you were at the Potters’?”

 

   “I have brought one-third of the Potters’ to you!” Sirius said. “Plus one Evans, and a heaping desire to engage in domestic activities.”

 

   “Domestic what?” Remus mumbled.

 

   “Tea towels, love,” Sirius said. “And crockware and cabinets and bath mats.”

 

   “What’s that to do with you bein’ in my bed on Boxing Day?” Remus asked.

 

   “Oh, would you prefer I greeted you in a more sensual way?” Sirius asked.

 

 Remus raised his eyebrows. Sirius cocked his head.

 

   “Are you going to shag me or not?” Remus asked.

 

 Sirius grinned. “I shall!”

 

 Sirius crawled further up the bed, then swung a leg over Remus and propped himself up on his elbows, framing Remus’s face. Remus shifted under him, going flat on his back.

 

   “Now, how would you like it,” Sirius asked, pressing his lips to Remus’s collarbones, “fried or scrambled?”

 

   “Sirius, I am not conscious enough to deal with your poor attempts at humor, just fuck me.”

 

 Sirius chuckled into his neck, nipped lightly at his skin and sucked at the bite. “Would you prefer I fetch you a coffee before I fuck you, then?”

 

 Remus pushed his hips up into Sirius’s, his arms going around his lover’s neck. “Just fuck me, Sirius.”

 

 Sirius met his lips with a rough kiss, his tongue pushing into his mouth immediately; Remus pushed one hand down the back of Sirius’s shirt and the other into his hair, his fingers tangling into his soft, blue-black locks. Sirius broke the kiss to press his open mouth against his neck again, his lips finding the lobe of Remus’s left ear.

 

   “You’re a bit covered up, Moony,” Sirius whispered. “There’s a blanket cockblocking me.”

 

   “Get past the blanket and there’s nothing else in the way,” Remus answered.

 

    “Fuck, Moony,” Sirius murmured, his hand pushing under the blanket and finding Remus’s bare chest. “Fuck.”

 

   “Hurry up about it, then,” Remus said. Sirius pulled the blanket down, then sat up long enough to shove his legs under the blanket before kissing Remus again. His hand wandered lower and Remus let out a little gasp.

 

   “You didn’t know I was coming,” Sirius whispered, trailing kisses down Remus’s neck. “Do you sleep starkers at home usually?”

 

   “No,” Remus admitted. “But I fell asleep last night before I could get my pants back on.”

 

 He felt Sirius grin against his chest, felt him flick his hand and he let out another gasp. “Were you missing me?”

 

   “God, yes,” Remus whispered, then he had to moan again; Sirius’s hand was moving faster. “You’re addictive, Sirius.”

 

   “It’d only been a week,” Sirius mumbled, his voice becoming short; Remus could feel him reacting against his hip.

 

   “It could have been a day or a year, I’d still miss you.”

 

 Sirius kissed his mouth again, rough and insistent. “I fucking love you,” he mumbled. “I fucking love you.”

 

   “I love you, too, bloody fool, now hurry up and get your cock in me.”

 

   “ _Fuck_ , Remus.”

 

 Sometime later, Remus finally put his pajamas on and the two of them went downstairs. His mother and dad were in the sitting room with the telly on, watching a taped football match. James and Lily were in the kitchen playing cards.

 

   “Gin,” Lily declared as they walked in.

 

   “Wait, what?” James said. “Again?”

 

   “Having fun?” Remus asked.

 

   “Not as much fun as you two clearly were having,” Lily said quietly. James went red across the table and started to shuffle the deck of cards.

 

   “If they ask, Remus refused to get up and I took a nap,” Sirius told her, dropping into a chair. “Is there food left?”

 

   “No,” answered Lily, taking the cards from James and packing them up with a flick of her wand, “besides, I told Hope we’d be getting lunch while we’re out.”

 

   “Works for me,” Remus said, “after I’ve had some coffee.”

 

   “Are you not awake enough already?” James asked.

 

 Remus made a face at his friend as he went for the coffee pot.

 

   “I still can’t believe we’re going to be living on our own in six months,” Lily said.

 

   “Honestly, I can’t either,” replied James. “It feels like just yesterday we were fresh-faced firsties.”  


 Remus smiled to himself as he dropped sugar cubes into his coffee, turning around and sitting next to Sirius at the table in time to catch his reply: “I really can’t wait, though.” He reached out and took Remus’s hand under the table, giving him a smile. Remus felt his cheeks going red. Barely fifteen minutes ago, the two of them had been cleaning up from sex, and he was blushing about the thought of living with him.

 

   “Well, look who’s finally gotten up.”

 

   “Morning, mum,” Remus said; their hands were hidden under the table and his mother wasn’t wearing her glasses, they were fine.

 

 His mother dropped a kiss onto his hair as she passed him, putting her plate in the sink. “I’m told that you’re moving in with this lot at the end of the year.”

 

   “Yeah, we’ve got a flat in Bristol,” Remus said. Sirius must have told her that the _four_ of them would be living together. He wondered if Peter was included in that lie.

 

   “Bristol? Is there a reason you’ve picked Bristol in particular?”

 

   “My great-uncle left me the flat in his will,” Sirius explained. “Deed’s in my name now and everything.”

 

   “Well, isn’t that wonderful!” Remus’s mother commented. “And you’ve decided to share with this lot? Haven’t you had enough of them already?”

 

   “You can never have too much of your best friends,” Sirius said, squeezing Remus’s hand.

 

 Remus drained the last of his coffee and released his lover’s hand to rise to his feet. “I’ll go get dressed and then we can be off.”

 

   “Excellent!” James declared. “We’re off to buy bathroom decorations!”

 

   “I’d like to do it with ocean style things,” Remus heard Lily say as he went up the stairs. He chuckled to himself. His bathroom would never have oceanic decorations. He was thinking golds and warm greens.


	45. forty-five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _thanks to tumblr user siriuslestrange for posting[this](https://siriuslestrange.tumblr.com/post/157322654249/give-me-11-year-old-remus-lupin-with-a-stammer) which prompted me to write this_

_September 10 th, 1971, 8:43p.m._

_Remus Lupin_

 

The past ten days seemed to have gone by in a blur to Remus. He’d spent half of it avoiding eye contact and trying to blend in with the wall, however, James Potter and Sirius Black had seemed to make it their personal mission to keep him from successfully camouflaging himself into every crowd at every given moment. Just that morning, Sirius dared James to serenade someone at the breakfast table and James had serenaded him. Remus couldn’t remember being blushing harder than that ever in his relatively short life, until at dinner James dared Sirius to serenade someone, and Sirius copied James in singing to Remus.

 

 But he’d done his best to get over it; directly after leaving dinner, Remus ran ahead of his dormmates and went into the showers to spend nearly an hour under the hot water in an attempt to wash the embarrassment from his face. When he finally got fed up with it and had turned all his digits into prunes, he shut off the water and dried off, dressing while still in the bathroom. By the sinks, he could hear faint talking and laughter from the dorm room, and Remus tried not to think that they were laughing at his flighty escape from dinner. He brushed his teeth and gathered up his clothes, then steeled himself and pushed open the door.

 

   “ – it was just Dumbledore on roller skates!” James cackled. Remus frowned deeply; clearly, he had missed something. “Rolling down the hallway as if it was something perfectly normal to be doing on a Friday evening!”

 

 Remus shook his head and started towards his bed.

 

   “Shame it was just a dream,” Sirius said, which added a great deal of context to what James was saying, “I’d’ve paid good money to see that in real life –”

 

   “Ouch!” Remus gasped; his little toe throbbed at the point where it had struck the corner of Sirius’s trunk. Remus dropped his bundle of clothes and grabbed his foot, hopped for a second, then fell over on his arse, and during all of this while his brain was distracted by the throbbing pain in his little toe, truly horrific swear words flew from his mouth: “Fucking motherfucking fanny shitfaced cocks and bollocks, bloody fucking dickhead, tosspot, cocknose, shit-magnet, cunt-flaps, jizzing fuckwad!”

 

The pain faded. Remus abruptly realized what he had just said and turned bright red. On the floor, he glanced around the room at the shocked faces of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew.

 

   “Erm,” he said.

 

 Sirius raised his hands, then began a slow clap. James joined in after a second, then nudged Peter, who also began to clap.

 

   “That was brilliant!” Sirius crowed, a wide grin splitting his face ear to ear. “Bravo!”

 

   “Whoop-whoo!” James cheered.

 

   “Excellent form,” Peter said approvingly. “Ten out of ten.”

 

 Remus’s blush faded a little, and he smiled shyly.

 

   “Fantastic choice of words, too, though a smidge of points off from me because you didn’t use my personal favorite, cockwomble,” Sirius said. “Nine and a half out of ten.”

 

   “A hundred out of ten from me, ‘cause you did use my personal favorite!” James added enthusiastically. “The elegance of fuckwad is nigh unreachable.”

 

   “I like cocknose best,” Peter said haughtily.

 

 Remus’s shy smile turned into a grin, and Sirius offered him a hand up. James pounded him on the back, cheering again, and Peter whooped. Remus gave a bow, and they all four collapsed into laughter. Remus hung on Sirius’s shoulder, and for the first time ever, he felt truly like he had friends.


	46. forty-six

_September 2 nd, 1975, 9:12a.m., the Potions classroom_

_Remus Lupin_

The classroom was full of chattering and talk as the students had yet to settle back into the routine of classes, and it seemed that Professor Slughorn was humoring them for the time being, as despite the time, he had yet to call for quiet. Remus’s friends, of course, seemed to love this; Sirius and James were talking as loudly if not louder than the other students in the room, their cheerfulness almost infectious.

 

Almost.

 

Remus was quiet, not the way he was usually quiet, not carefully watching for the right opportunity to comment with something witty or inspired, not torn between judging and laughing, not just quiet, and the way that James and Sirius kept throwing questions and comments his way made him think that they had picked up on this unfamiliar sort of quiet, but he gave one word answers and half-hearted agreements, his attention constantly straying. He was the sort of quiet that he fell into when particularly stressed, and unfortunately, at this point in time, there were handfuls of things to stress him, not even to mention all the tonnes of homework they would be laden with by the end of the day.

 

The first and biggest thing, naturally, was the fact that his mother was dying. Not even wizards had a cure for cancer, and chemotherapy, while her best option, would only give her another year at most according to all the doctors. Remus had almost skipped Hogwarts that year to stay home with her, but she’d insisted he go on anyway, and now he was hundreds of miles from her and who was to say that she would even live until Christmas?

 

            “Alright, alright, that’s enough,” Slughorn called out, “let’s have your attention this way, please.”

 

Plus, with even the weight of his mother’s illness on his shoulders, the full moon was in just a week and he was already feeling achy and twice as depressed as usual.

 

            “Your attention, please!” Slughorn called again.

 

Remus shifted to face Slughorn, still despondent and quiet. The students eventually ceased their talking, and Slughorn gave them all a satisfied nod.

 

            “We’re just going to launch into today’s lesson, class,” the professor announced, a broad, shit-eating grin on his face that Remus particularly thought was irksome, “as this year is O.W.L.’s year, we’ll be starting some more complex potions, and today’s is a whopper! Today, we’ll be brewing Amortentia!”

 

Great, Remus thought, love potions. James elbowed Sirius and mouthed something that was likely related to Lily Evans, to which Sirius sniggered. Remus rolled his eyes at them.

 

            “Instructions will be on page 457 in your textbooks, and I’ll be going about the room helping you. I’ll be splitting you lot into pairs, before you try and do it yourselves.”

 

Remus made a show of digging his textbook out of his bag while Slughorn went about the room, and when he looked up, Sirius was standing next to him.

 

            “Aren’t you working with James?” he asked with a frown.

 

Sirius sniggered and pointed over Remus’s shoulder. Remus looked, and saw an extremely angry looking Lily Evans standing next to James, who looked like Christmas had come early. “Oh, no,” Remus muttered.

 

            “Oh, yes,” Sirius chuckled, before throwing an arm around Remus’s shoulders and pulling him into his side. “We make an excellent pair, though, don’t we? We’ll have the best batch of Amortentia in the class, I’ll bet.”

 

            “I wouldn’t,” Remus mumbled as he began thumbing through the textbook.

 

Sirius deflated a little; he released his shoulders and clapped his hands together, rubbing them like a mad scientist. “So, what’s first, Moony?”

 

            “Get the fire started,” Remus answered. “And fill it with goat’s milk, crushed rose petals, and crushed Ashwinder eggs.”

 

            “Goat’s milk?” Sirius repeated, shaking his head. “That’s barmy.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes again. “It’s the base, Sirius.”

 

            “Do we even have goat’s milk?” Sirius asked as he ducked beneath the table to check the ingredients beneath.

 

            “It’s in the store cupboard,” Slughorn answered the question; Sirius stood back up quickly, but cracked the back of his head on the edge of the table. “Careful, now, Mr. Black,” Slughorn added as Sirius swore foully under his breath. Remus patted Sirius’s head sympathetically.

 

            “I’d like to put a bell on that man,” Sirius grumbled, before walking away to get goat’s milk from the store cupboard, still rubbing the back of his head.

 

After the goat’s milk, the rose petals and Ashwinder eggs came sprigs of dried patchouli and Billywig stings, then the potion had to be brought to a boil while they stirred in honey, fairy dust, a single Alihotsy leaf, and the crushed scales from a Grecian siren. After it boiled for twenty minutes, which, according to the textbook’s _Fun Facts and Trivia_ in the margins, corresponded to the optimal period of time for copulation to result in pregnancy – Remus wasn’t too impressed with that, and seriously wondered why it was mentioned in a textbook for fifteen-year-olds –, they had to bring it back to a simmer and add essence of anise and cinnamon.

 

            “By now, the steam should be rising in spirals and the potion should take on a mother of pearl sheen,” Slughorn called to the class at large.

 

Remus peered down into their cauldron, where the potion was both the color of mother of pearl and had steam rising in spirals. Sirius looked into it too, then made an impressed noise.

 

            “Funny how these things go when someone actually knows what they’re doing,” Sirius said, elbowing him lightly.

 

            “Yeah, I guess,” Remus muttered. He drew away and started packing up his things.

 

Sirius looked a bit crestfallen, but Remus didn’t have the energy to put on a brave face for his friend. Then Sirius peered over the textbook once more and tugged on Remus’s sleeve.

 

            “Hey, the book says that it smells different to everyone, that it’ll smell like all the things you love the most.”

 

            “Yeah, it does that.”

 

            “Well, what do you smell?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus paused, then shrugged and leaned over the cauldron to take a deep inhale. He’d expected it to smell sweet, but the scent was actually savory; a mixture of tobacco and leather and dark chocolate. It was a heady smell that made him feel comforted and warm inside, but after a moment, it became familiar. Too familiar. He frowned, then lifted the textbook to check it again. The chocolate made sense, but otherwise, he couldn’t smell anything other than Sirius.

 

            “We stirred it three times clockwise before putting in the honey, right?”

 

            “Yeah, I remember you slapped my hand before I could give it a fourth stir.”

 

            “And we only put in one Alihotsy leaf?”

 

            “Just the one,” Sirius answered. “Why?”

 

            “Well,” Remus hesitated, setting the book back down to lean over the caldron and inhale again. “It’s just, it smells… odd.”

 

            “What sort of odd?” Sirius asked with a frown.

 

            “What do you smell?” Remus asked instead of answering.

 

Sirius leaned in and took a great sniff. “Smells fine to me.”

 

            “But what do you smell? Specifically? And do all the things you smell make sense?”

 

            “Of course they do,” Sirius said, his frown deepening. “What do you smell.”

 

Remus opened his mouth, about to answer, when Slughorn appeared before their table. “Ah, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, an excellent batch you have here,” the professor said to them. “Particularly aromatic, good job, boys.”

 

Remus gaped after Slughorn as the man walked away, even as Slughorn started to tut over the mess that James and Lily had made in their bickering. Sirius prodded his arm.

 

            “What do you smell?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus looked back to him, then his heart stopped. He stuck his nose back over the caldron and his breath caught in his throat as he realized the problem.

 

The potion was brewed perfectly. Remus was just attracted to Sirius.

 

            “Moony?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus couldn’t look him in the eye. “Er, just, books and chocolate.”

 

            “I s’pose that makes sense,” Sirius said, his voice full of concern, “but why did you think something was wrong with it?”

 

            “I – I dunno, I think I was expecting, er, perfume, or something,” he lied and turned his back on his friend. His heart was thudding in his chest, his mind racing –s _hit, shit, shit, shitshitshitshitshit –_

            “Oh,” Sirius said flatly. “Right.”

 

Remus shoved his textbook back into his bag, the aroma of tobacco and leather and chocolate turning sour in his nostrils. Sirius was his _friend_. He couldn’t be _attracted_ to Sirius, he couldn’t _like_ Sirius like that, and most importantly, he couldn’t be _gay_.

 

            “Right,” Sirius muttered again. The bell rang, and Remus practically ran from the classroom, from Sirius, from the comforting scent of Sirius that Remus should have never associated with a love potion.


	47. forty-seven

_March 10 th, 1976, 4:32p.m., a Gryffindor boys’ dorm_

_Sirius_

“SURPRISE!”

 

Remus, who had just opened the door, gave a sudden squeak and dropped his bag. Sirius sniggered.

 

            “What – How – What is this?” Remus spluttered, his eyes wide and roaming over the many balloons, the banners, the streamers, and the dozen grinning faces.

 

            “It’s a surprise birthday party,” James said, sounding quite pleased with himself. “Happy Birthday, Moony.”

 

Remus gaped for a second longer, then he rounded on Sirius. “Is this why you dragged me off to the library to check your Potions essay?”

 

            “’Course it was,” said Marlene as she threw an arm around Remus’s shoulders, grinning at Sirius – who at that moment did not like the particular shade of smirk on her face – “he didn’t drag you down there to have a snog.”

 

Sirius blushed and Remus paled, but smiled weakly. James grabbed Remus’s arm and dragged him away from Marlene to show off the expertly arranged buffet on top of the conjured tabletop on Peter’s bed, and Sirius shot Marlene a scowl. Marlene simply shrugged and then elbowed him.

 

            “Hey, he didn’t look too disgusted at the idea, did he?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

            “Fuck off,” he told her, and wandered away.

 

He leaned on a bedpost and crossed his arms over his chest, taking great care to smile as if there wasn’t a sudden feeling of being punched repeatedly in his chest. Remus was grinning and people were hugging him, and Lily Evans was hanging off his arm at every opportunity. It smelled fishy to Sirius, of course, since James didn’t seem too bothered by the fact that the girl he’d been love with for five years was acting affectionate with one of his mates, but the pissed off look that kept getting swapped with cheery smiles whenever people looked at her on the face of Emmaline Vance made his stomach turn.

 

            “Hey, mate, this is truly splendid.”

 

            “Thanks, Pete,” Sirius mumbled.

 

Peter prodded his arm with an éclair. “What’s up?”

 

Sirius gave a snort and shot Peter a grin, uncrossing his arms and pulling a cigarette almost by habit from the depths of his robes. “Nothing’s up, what makes you think something’s up?”

 

            “Your smile twitches,” Peter said.

 

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows at him but kept the smile. “My what does what?”

 

            “When you’re lying,” Peter supplied, then took a bite of the éclair. “You smile, but it twitches, as if you’re having to remind your lips to keep smiling.”

 

The smile dropped immediately. Sirius stuffed the cigarette between his lips and flicked his wand to light it. Remus’s back was to him, standing by the food tables with Evans and Vance on either side of him, laughing with some of their other yearmates. Evans was holding his hand, but Vance was leaning on his shoulder casually, a move she pulled often enough to keep it from appearing out of place, but not often enough to members of the opposite sex for it to not be just as obvious that she was interested in Remus. Sirius couldn’t blame her, Remus had an easy sort of charm about him that had all the ladies running, apparently.

 

And at least one bloke, but people didn’t talk about that.

 

            “So, how do you think James feels being the only one underage still?” Sirius asked Peter, trying to change the subject.

 

            “James’ll be seventeen in a couple weeks,” Peter answered. “Why’re you lying and what about?”

 

            “Mum, I didn’t think you cared,” Sirius said dryly, then took a drag on his cigarette.

 

Peter raised an eyebrow at him, then gestured with his éclair. “Now I know for sure something’s bothering you, because you never call _me_ mum, that’s always James.”

 

            “Can’t a bloke have two mums?” Sirius quipped.

 

            “Well, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?” Peter asked. “Unless one of ‘em’s a step-mum, otherwise they’d have to be fags.”

 

Sirius clenched his jaw for a second, then took another drag of the cigarette to avoid answering Peter. His friend sighed and took another bite of his éclair. They stood there for a long moment, the chatter around them filling their own silence.

 

            “I don’t get it,” Peter said finally.

 

            “Kay,” Sirius said disinterestedly. He stubbed out his cigarette on the bed post, then vanished it with a wave of his wand. He pushed off the post and crossed the room, grabbing a cheese puff and biting into it.

 

Remus appeared at his elbow and Sirius half choked in his haste to swallow the cheese puff. “Sirius, thanks, mate.”

 

            “Hey, no problem, Moons,” Sirius answered him, giving him a clap on the shoulder. “It’s your birthday.”

 

            “It’s still amazing,” Remus said, then grabbed him in a hug. Sirius’s breath caught in his throat and for a second he wasn’t sure what to do with his arms, but then it was over and Remus was clapping him on the shoulder in return, his grin as broad as ever. “You’re the best friend a bloke could have.”

 

            “’Course I am,” Sirius said, “greatest friend in the universe. No one’s ever had a friend better than me.”

 

Remus’s grin doubled and he laughed, and Sirius’s own smile twitched. He and Remus were the best of _friends_ , they’d be _friends_ their whole lives, wouldn’t they? Always just _friends_.


End file.
